tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16879498929077347782024-03-14T13:08:38.216+05:30LandfillThis is an environment-friendly blog as no trees are killed in its updating and maintenance. However, a large number of electrons are terribly inconvenienced.The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-7645352863872933032011-05-28T11:14:00.002+05:302012-06-06T12:04:47.746+05:30My Drinking Problem<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span">I could tell my story in two words - the two words “I drank.” But I was not always a drinker. This is the story of my downfall - and of my rise - for through the influence of a good woman, I have, thank Heaven, risen from the depths.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">I cannot accurately remember when my addiction to the stuff really began. It stole upon me gradually, as it does upon so many young men. As a boy I remember trying it, but I can recall that I wasn’t really fascinated by it. My downfall really began when I began college.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It was then that I was first acquainted with the awful power of ridicule. They were a bunch of reckless youths, the always-have-fun-no-matter-who-thinks-what kind. They frequented the movie theatres. They thought nothing of having chocolate fudge late in the night or early in the morning. They laughed at me when I refused to join them. I was only 18 then. My character was undeveloped. I could not endure their scorn. The next time I was offered a drink I accepted. They were pleased, I remember. They called me “a good sport”, “a lovely chap” and other complimentary names. They began to talk to me. I was not ignored by them anymore. I was intoxicated with the sudden popularity.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, how vividly I can recall that day! That shining, freshly-wiped counter, the colourful placards advertising various strange mixtures with ice-cream as their basis, their exotic-sounding names, the busy men behind the counter, the lovely eyes of the girl at the cash register where you bought the dessert checks. She had seen so many happy, healthy boys through that little hole in the wire netting, so many thoughtless boys all eager for their first soda, clamouring to set their foot on the primrose path that leads to destruction.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It was a Mint & Chocolate Chip sundae, I recollect. I dug my spoon into it with an assumption of excitement and happiness which I was far from feeling. The first mouthful almost nauseated me. It was like cold hair-oil. But I stuck to it. I could not chicken out now. I could not bear to forfeit the newly-won esteem of my comrades. They were gulping their sundaes down with the speed and enjoyment of old hands. I set my teeth, and persevered, and by degrees a strange exhilaration began to steal over me. I felt that I had burnt my boats and bridges; that I had crossed the River Styx. I was reckless. I ordered another round. I was the life and soul of that party.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">The next morning brought with it pain and remorse. I did not feel well. My head hurt. I felt like two guys were going at the inside of my head with a sledgehammer. I was in intense pain- both physical, and mental. But I could not back down now. I was too weak to renounce my popularity. I was only a boy, and on the previous evening, the captain of the college football team, to whom I looked up with an almost worshipping reverence, had slapped me on my back and told me that I was an amazing chap. I felt that nothing could ever match the honour. That night, too, I gave a party at which ice-cream sodas flowed freely. And that party was the turning point.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">I had got the habit. I had become addicted!<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">The next few years I will recount briefly. There is not much to say about it, except that I sank deeper and deeper into the abyss. So much so, that I knew all the ice-cream parlour tenders by their first names, and they knew me by mine. I didn’t have to specify the name of the abominations I wanted. I merely had to go to a ice-cream parlour, say, “The usual, Rahul,” and he understood.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">At first, it did not really trouble me much. I was young and I was strong. My constitution disregarded the effects of my habit. But, gradually, it began to take it’s toll. I began to lose my grip. I could not go on without having at least 5 ice-cream sodas in a day. I had difficulty in concentrating. My work and studies suffered. I had frequent black-outs. I felt nervous and dizzy. I became distant from the world. Eventually, I went to a doctor.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">He took a long look at me, did a check-up and said to me, “If I am to cure you of this ailment, you must tell me all.”<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">I hesitated at first. But then, I broke down, and with my head in my hands, I told him. “I am a confirmed soda-fiend, doctor,” I told him, “I am addicted to ice-cream.”<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">The doctor looked pityingly at me. He gave me long lectures about the harmful effects of the addiction. He gave me an even longer list of instructions. I was to abstain from sundaes of all variety and descriptions. I was to never look at a soda bottle again. If anyone even offered me one, I was to knock him down with one blow and hand him over to the nearest policeman.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">But it was hard. You have no idea how tough it is for a young man living in a big and wicked city to keep away from it’s charms once he’s got the habit. I could not hang out with my group. They called me a “spoilsport”, “killjoy” and other godawful names. But I could not join them. They left me alone while they went on their revelries. I felt more alone than I ever had.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">In the end, I undid all the good work of my one month’s abstinence. I had become desperate. I felt that there was nothing good left in the world. That nothing could save me now. So I went to the nearest joint and had 3 chocolate fudge, a pineapple fizz and 2 Blue Monsoons before I paused to take a breath. I hadn’t felt so good for a long time. It was like I was the king of the whole world.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">And then, the next day, I met Sue, the girl who brought about my reformation. I met her at a party and we hit it off instantly. We spoke to each other regularly on the phone. And then, one day, I asked her out to dinner.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">That was the happiest moment of my life. I met her at the door of her apartment. She was wearing a blue cocktail dress that matched the colour of her eyes. We went out to a nice restaurant and had a blast there. I could really feel a connection between us. A spark. I was beginning to feel the first wisp of love between us.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">After the dinner, I took her out to my favourite ice-cream joint. We were inside and I was about to place my order, before she realized where she was and I shall never forget the look of extreme disgust and horror that came on her face at that moment.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">“And I thought you were a great one!” she exclaimed to me. I could hear the pain in her voice.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It seemed that she was looking for a little wine or champagne. The idea was completely new to me. But she convinced me that it was only refreshment that she would consider, and recoiled in revulsion at my suggestion of a hot brownie topped with chocolate ice-cream. She grabbed me by my hand and took me out to the nearest bar. That night I tasted my first wine. And my resurrection began.<span class="Apple-style-span"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">It was hard at first, really hard. Something inside me was pulling me back to the sundaes for which I craved, but I resisted the impulse. With her sympathetic encouragement, I acquired a taste for alcohol. And then, one day, I realised suddenly that I no longer had an urge to go inside a soda parlour. I never wanted to see an ice-cream parlour again. Beers, at first repellent to me, have become my first choice of refreshment for me. I drink wines for breakfast. I am cured. I am saved!</span><span class="Apple-style-span"><o:p></o:p></span></div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-57538038028085330532010-04-07T15:04:00.002+05:302010-04-07T15:31:07.469+05:30Exam Paper I<ol><li> Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters<br /><input name="box" type="text"><br />(only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)<br /></li><br /><li>What's your age group ?<br /><input name="Q_1" value="1" type="radio"> less than 0<br /><input name="Q_1" value="1" type="radio"> equal to 0<br /><input name="Q_1" value="1" type="radio"> greater than 0</li><br /><li>What is 2 + 2 ?<br /><input name="Q_2" value="1" type="radio"> FOUR<br /><input name="Q_2" value="1" type="radio"> 4<br /><input name="Q_2" value="1" type="radio"> IV<br /></li><br /><li>If you have one brother, how many brothers your brother has?<br /><input name="Q_3" value="1" type="radio"> none <input name="Q_3" value="1" type="radio"> one <input name="Q_3" value="1" type="radio"> question is too personal<br /></li><br /><li> Complete the following sentence........... (4 marks)<br />______ ________ ________ _________ .<br /></li><br /><li>If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ? <input name="box1" type="text"><br /></li><br /><li>Read the statement carefully and answer the following question :<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself"</span>.<br />Q. How many times the word <span style="font-style: italic;">"mother"</span> appear in the above statement ?<br /> <input name="Q_4" value="1" type="radio"> None<br /> <input name="Q_4" value="1" type="radio"> few times<br /> <input name="Q_4" value="1" type="radio"> uncountable times<br /></li><br /><li>If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get<br /><input name="Q_5" value="1" type="radio"> One rupee ? <input name="Q_5" value="1" type="radio"> 100 paise ?<br /></li><br /><li>Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.<br />(HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______ (boy/girl). i am writing an essay.)<br /></li><br /><li> If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ? <input name="box2" type="text"><br /></li><br /><li>At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ? <input name="box3" type="text"><br /></li><br /><li>What do you do on a honeymoon ?<br /><input name="Q_6" value="1" type="radio"> Collect Honey<br /><input name="Q_6" value="1" type="radio"> Admire Moon<br /><input name="Q_6" value="1" type="radio"> Collect Honey while admiring the moon<br /></li><br /><li>Earth is Flat ?<br /><input name="Q_7" value="1" type="radio"> False<br /><input name="Q_7" value="1" type="radio"> Indeed False<br /></li><br /><li>If A = B and B = C then B = A ?<br /><input name="Q_8" value="1" type="radio"> TRUE<br /><input name="Q_8" value="1" type="radio"> NOT FALSE<br /><input name="Q_8" value="1" type="radio"> OUT OF SYLLABUS<br /></li><br /><li>If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you eat during dinner time ? <input name="box5" type="text"><br /></li><br /><li>Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT. <input name="box4" type="text"><br /></li><br /><li>Fill in the blank :<br />I am <input name="box5" type="text"> a letter.<br /><input name="Q_9" value="1" type="radio"> READING<br /><input name="Q_9" value="1" type="radio"> WRITING<br /><input name="Q_9" value="1" type="radio"> SEALING<br /></li><br /><li>Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?<br /><input name="Q_10" value="1" type="radio"> MR. ARMSTRONG<br /><input name="Q_10" value="1" type="radio"> MISS ARMSTRONG<br /><input name="Q_10" value="1" type="radio"> MRS ARMSTRONG<br /></li><br /><li>What comes first ?<br /><input name="Q_11" value="1" type="radio"> the Egg<br /><input name="Q_11" value="1" type="radio"> the Omelette<br /></li><br /><li>Can you count more than five using your hands ?<br /><input name="Q_12" value="1" type="radio"> YES<br /><input name="Q_12" value="1" type="radio"> NO<br /></li><br /><li>Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y<br /></li><br /><li>Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's<br /><input name="Q_13" value="1" type="radio"> Father<br /><input name="Q_13" value="1" type="radio"> Brother<br /><input name="Q_13" value="1" type="radio"> Son<br /><input name="Q_13" value="1" type="radio"> Daughter<br /></li><br /><li>Car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. how many wheels does each car has ?<br /><input name="Q_14" value="1" type="radio"> One <input name="Q_14" value="1" type="radio"> Four <input name="Q_14" value="1" type="radio"> Seven<br /></li><br /><li>To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator ?<br /><input name="Q_15" value="1" type="radio"> ONE <input name="Q_15" value="1" type="radio"> TWELVE<br /></li><br /><li>Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]<br />1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.<br /></li><br /><li>This one tests your imagination.<br />SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because.........<br /><input name="Q_16" value="1" type="radio"> SUN is smaller than AMERICA<br /><input name="Q_16" value="1" type="radio"> One can see SUN, but not AMERICA<br /><input name="Q_16" value="1" type="radio"> i do not have any time left to think on this one.<br /></li></ol><dl><hr size="1" color="#000000" noshade="noshade"><dt>Your feedback counts. (please do not write how many times)<br /><br />I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as<br /><input name="Q_17" value="1" type="radio"> 8 <input name="Q_17" value="1" type="radio"> 9 <input name="Q_17" value="1" type="radio"> 10 [NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]</dt><dt><br /><br />Number of times i flipped a coin<br /><input name="Q_18" value="1" type="radio"> 35 <input name="Q_18" value="1" type="radio"> 70 <input name="Q_18" value="1" type="radio"> i forgot to bring my coin so i bluffed and prayed for good luck.</dt></dl>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-74966993132216402382010-04-07T14:48:00.002+05:302010-04-07T15:04:14.453+05:30Exam paper II<strong>Instructions</strong> Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.<p> <strong>Time limit</strong> 2 hours. Begin immediately. </p><dl><dt> <strong>History</strong> </dt><dd> Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Medicine</strong> </dt><dd> You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Public Speaking</strong> </dt><dd> 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Biology</strong> </dt><dd> Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the Indian Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Music</strong> </dt><dd> Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Psychology</strong> </dt><dd> Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: <ul><li> Alexander of Aphrodisis </li><li> Rameses II </li><li> Hammuarabi. </li></ul> Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Sociology</strong> </dt><dd> Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Engineering</strong> </dt><dd> The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Economics</strong> </dt><dd> Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: <ul><li> Cubism </li><li> the Donatist Controversy </li><li> the Wave Theory of Light </li></ul> Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Political Science</strong> </dt><dd> There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Epistemology</strong> </dt><dd> Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Physics</strong> </dt><dd> Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>Philosophy</strong> </dt><dd> Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.<p> </p></dd><dt> <strong>General Knowledge</strong> </dt><dd> Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.</dd></dl>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-31915771216394578382008-06-18T03:47:00.005+05:302008-06-18T05:26:10.916+05:30GrinReaper's Grumpy Personality Test<div style="text-align: justify;">Choose the answer that best represents your tendencies (and/or fantasies). Do not think too hard; go with your first instinct (or you can even cheat if you want). This is a self-discovery tool so there are no wrong answers (Breath a sigh of relief!). This test takes approximately 12 minutes and is <i>not</i> timed. <b>Begin! </b>(Only at your own risk, of course!)<br /><span style=";font-size:16;color:black;" ></span><span style=""></span><br /><span style="">1.</span><span style=""> <span style="font-size:100%;">When paying at a store I often</span></span><br /><span style=""></span><span style=""><input name="Q_EI_1" value="1" type="radio"></span><span style="">pay and leave without chit-chat <input name="Q_EI_1" value="1" type="radio">have conversation with the cashier </span><span style=""><input name="Q_EI_1" value="1" type="radio">pull out a gun and demand cash</span><br /><span style=""></span> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""><span style=""></span></span><span style="">2.</span><span style=""> I work better when<br /><input name="Q_JP_2" value="2" type="radio">deciding what to do next as I go <input name="Q_JP_2" value="1" type="radio">following a schedule </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_2" value="1" type="radio">ordering others around<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">3.</span><span style=""> Talking about feelings and emotions is<br /><input name="Q_TF_3" value="2" type="radio">difficult <input name="Q_TF_3" value="1" type="radio">easy</span><span style=""><input name="Q_TF_3" value="1" type="radio">a turn-on<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">4.</span><span style=""> I process information through<br /><input name="Q_SN_4" value="1" type="radio">my five senses <input name="Q_SN_4" value="2" type="radio">intuition </span><span style=""><input name="Q_SN_4" value="2" type="radio">my laptop or computer</span><span style=""></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">5.</span><span style="">My thoughts are<br /><input name="Q_JP_8" value="2" type="radio">random <input name="Q_JP_8" value="1" type="radio">orderly </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_7" value="1" type="radio">embarrassing</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style=""> </span><span style=""></span><span style=""> <o:p></o:p></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">6.</span><span style="">Clutter in my home<br /><input name="Q_JP_9" value="1" type="radio">bothers me <input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">is not something I notice </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">is helpful for concentration<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">7.</span><span style="">I am more excited about what might happen<br /><input name="Q_SN_10" value="1" type="radio">later today or tomorrow <input name="Q_SN_10" value="2" type="radio">in a couple years </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">in a parallel universe</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">8.</span><span style="">After a social gathering I feel<br /><input name="Q_EI_11" value="1" type="radio">energized <input name="Q_EI_11" value="2" type="radio">drained </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">drunk</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">9.</span><span style="">I am most comfortable being<br /><input name="Q_JP_12" value="1" type="radio">a planner <input name="Q_JP_12" value="2" type="radio">spontaneous </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">lousy</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">10.</span><span style="">When in a one-on-one situation I usually do more<br /><input name="Q_EI_13" value="2" type="radio">listening <input name="Q_EI_13" value="1" type="radio">talking </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">dribbling around the goalkeeper</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">11.</span><span style="">I entertain myself with my<br /><input name="Q_SN_14" value="1" type="radio">surroundings <input name="Q_SN_14" value="2" type="radio">imagination </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">girlfriend/boyfriend</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">12.</span><span style="">I am more likely to have my<br /><input name="Q_SN_15" value="1" type="radio">ass on the ground <input name="Q_SN_15" value="2" type="radio">head in the clouds </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">foot in the mouth</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">13.</span><span style="">With people, I am more often<br /><input name="Q_TF_16" value="2" type="radio">friendly and warm <input name="Q_TF_16" value="1" type="radio">brief and to the point </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">abusive and demanding</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">14.</span><span style=""> I see life<br /><input name="Q_SN_19" value="2" type="radio">as it could be <input name="Q_SN_19" value="1" type="radio">as it is </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">as a burden</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style=""></span><span style="">15.</span><span style=""> I usually<br /><input name="Q_JP_21" value="2" type="radio">play, then work <input name="Q_JP_21" value="1" type="radio">work, then play </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">do nothing but drink beer and eat pizza all day</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">16.</span><span style="">Change for me is<br /><input name="Q_JP_25" value="2" type="radio">easy <input name="Q_JP_25" value="1" type="radio">difficult </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">something I put in vending machines</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">17.</span><span style="">When making decisions I<br /><input name="Q_TF_26" value="2" type="radio">don't consider the feelings of others <input name="Q_TF_26" value="1" type="radio">consider the feelings of others </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">recite eenie-meenie-minie-mo</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">18.</span><span style="">I tend to<br /><input name="Q_SN_27" value="2" type="radio">see the big picture <input name="Q_SN_27" value="1" type="radio">focus on details </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">black out very often</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">19.</span><span style="">I tend to be more<br /><input name="Q_TF_28" value="1" type="radio">reasonable <input name="Q_TF_28" value="2" type="radio">personable </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">annoying</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">20.</span><span style="">I am governed by my<br /><input name="Q_TF_29" value="2" type="radio">heart <input name="Q_TF_29" value="1" type="radio">head </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">boss</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">21.</span><span style="">I prefer<br /><input name="Q_JP_30" value="1" type="radio">routine activities <input name="Q_JP_30" value="2" type="radio">"spur of the moment" activities </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">sex</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">22.</span><span style="">I consider myself to be<br /><input name="Q_SN_32" value="1" type="radio">a concrete thinker <input name="Q_SN_32" value="2" type="radio">an abstract thinker </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">a stinker</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">23.</span><span style="">Give me the<br /><input name="Q_TF_33" value="2" type="radio">personal details <input name="Q_TF_33" value="1" type="radio">facts </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">money</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">24.</span><span style="">I get energized by<br /><input name="Q_SN_38" value="1" type="radio">learning facts <input name="Q_SN_38" value="2" type="radio">exploring theories </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">energy drinks</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">25.</span><span style="">I consider myself to be<br /><input name="Q_SN_42" value="1" type="radio">a realist <input name="Q_SN_42" value="2" type="radio">an idealist </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">a prick</span><span style=""></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">26.</span><span style="">Others might perceive me as<br /><input name="Q_JP_44" value="1" type="radio">rigid <input name="Q_JP_44" value="2" type="radio">aimless </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">a guided missile<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">27. </span><span style="">I am drawn to<br /><input name="Q_SN_45" value="2" type="radio">hidden meaning and inspiration <input name="Q_SN_45" value="1" type="radio">what is immediate </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">pretty females/handsome males</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">28.</span><span style="">I prefer speakers that communicate<br /><input name="Q_SN_48" value="2" type="radio">figuratively <input name="Q_SN_48" value="1" type="radio">literally </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">telepathically</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">29.</span><span style="">I make new friends<br /><input name="Q_EI_51" value="1" type="radio">quickly <input name="Q_EI_51" value="2" type="radio">over time </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">only when I owe all my existing friends</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">30.</span><span style="">My thoughts are on<br /><input name="Q_SN_52" value="2" type="radio">what lies ahead <input name="Q_SN_52" value="1" type="radio">the "here and now" </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">filling this bloody questionnaire</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">31.</span><span style="">I like<br /><input name="Q_JP_53" value="2" type="radio">to "go with the flow" <input name="Q_JP_53" value="1" type="radio">timetables and plans </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">butterscotch sundae</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">32.</span><span style="">When the phone rings I<br /><input name="Q_EI_54" value="1" type="radio">pick it up right away <input name="Q_EI_54" value="2" type="radio">wish I could ignore it </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">dance to the ringtone</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">33.</span><span style="">I am<br /><input name="Q_TF_59" value="2" type="radio">subjective <input name="Q_TF_59" value="1" type="radio">objective </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">inactive</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style=""></span><span style=""></span><span style="">34.</span><span style="">I am quick to<br /><input name="Q_TF_61" value="1" type="radio">critique <input name="Q_TF_61" value="2" type="radio">compliment </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">run away</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">35.</span><span style="">Being the center of attention is<br /><input name="Q_EI_62" value="1" type="radio">exhilarating <input name="Q_EI_62" value="2" type="radio">uncomfortable </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">depends on the circumstances</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">36.</span><span style="">When judging others I am<br /><input name="Q_TF_65" value="1" type="radio">impartial <input name="Q_TF_65" value="2" type="radio">partial </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">corrupt</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">37</span><span style="">I prefer someone who is<br /><input name="Q_TF_67" value="1" type="radio">efficient <input name="Q_TF_67" value="2" type="radio">empathetic </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">sexy</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""></span><span style="">38.</span><span style="">I enjoy a task when I<br /><input name="Q_JP_69" value="2" type="radio">start it <input name="Q_JP_69" value="1" type="radio">complete it </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">put it off onto others</span><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">39.</span><span style="">I want to<br /><input name="Q_TF_70" value="1" type="radio">get the task done <input name="Q_TF_70" value="2" type="radio">get to know others </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">just get the hell outta here</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style="">40.</span><span style="">At work I am<br /><input name="Q_TF_75" value="2" type="radio">relationship-focused <input name="Q_TF_75" value="1" type="radio">task-oriented </span><span style=""><input name="Q_JP_9" value="2" type="radio">distracted</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;"><span style=""><br /></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;">Please, mail me the completed questionnaires and then you can go back to doing whatever you were doing. I'll probably send you the results when I feel like it. Cash is a very good motivation, by the way. And so's the hollow end of a gun. Cheers!<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style=""></span></p>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-66380831125832474982008-06-06T09:31:00.000+05:302008-06-06T09:32:33.605+05:30Bloopers from Church Bulletins<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Supposed to be true:</span><br /><br /></div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li> Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. </li><li> Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. </li><li> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. </li><li> For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. </li><li> The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. </li><li> This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. </li><li> Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. </li><li> Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. </li><li> Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study. </li><li> This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. </li><li> The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. </li><li> Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. </li><li> The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. </li><li> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. </li><li> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.</li></ul>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-25247096308117292972008-06-02T21:51:00.003+05:302008-06-02T21:54:20.718+05:30Insurance Reports<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. The reports are claimed to be real.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></div><ol style="text-align: justify;"><li> The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. <p> </p></li><li> I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.<p> </p></li><li> A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.<p> </p></li><li> The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.<p> </p></li><li> I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.<p> </p></li><li> The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.<p> </p></li><li> I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.<p> </p></li><li> I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.<p> </p></li><li> As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.<p> </p></li><li> The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.<p> </p></li><li> To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. <p> </p></li><li> My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.<p> </p></li><li> An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. <p> </p></li><li> When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.<p> </p></li><li> The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over. <p> </p></li><li> I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.<p> </p></li><li> Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.<p> </p></li><li> The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.</li></ol>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-71571688800411789032008-06-01T11:14:00.003+05:302008-06-02T11:45:47.589+05:30Why Star Wars is not a kids' movie...<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> While it may have been a great PG movie, some of these lines could be taken the wrong way. On some of these you have to really stretch.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">From the Return of the Jedi:</span><br /></div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li>"Rise, my friend."</li><li>"Hey, point that thing somewhere else!" </li><li> "Not bad for a little furball." </li><li> "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?" </li><li> "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?" </li><li> "Keep on that one, I'll take these two" </li><li> "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!" </li><li> "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."</li></ul><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">From the Empire Strikes Back:</span><br /></div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li> "Possible he came in through the south entrance." </li><li> "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?" </li><li> "Hurry up, golden-rod..." </li><li> "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while." </li><li> "Control, control! You must learn control!" </li><li> "There's an awful lot of moisture in here." </li><li> "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?" </li></ul><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">From A New Hope:</span><br /></div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li> "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." </li><li> "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" </li><li> "Look at the size of that thing!" </li><li> "Sorry about the mess..." </li><li> "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" </li><li> "You've got something jammed in here real good." </li><li> "Put that thing away before you get us all killed." </li><li> "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" </li><li> "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care <em> what </em> you smell!" </li></ul>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-16627633427956913222008-05-30T16:29:00.004+05:302008-05-30T16:35:56.444+05:30Explaining the chemistry between a boy and a girl.<p style="text-align: justify;">There was a guy named Roger who was attracted to a woman named Elaine. One day he asked her out to a movie; she accepted; and they had a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asked her out to dinner, and again they enjoyed themselves. They continued to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them was seeing anybody else.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And then, one evening when they were driving home, a thought occurred to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she said it aloud: <i style="">"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"</i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And then there was silence in the car. To Elaine, it seemed like a very loud silence. She thought to herself: <i style="">Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Roger thought: <i style="">Gosh! Six months!!</i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Elaine thought: <i style="">But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of a relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? </i><i style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Towards children? </span>Towards a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Roger thought: <i style="">. . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . .</i><i style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> lemme</span> check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Elaine thought: <i style="">He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Roger thought: <i style="">And I'm</i><i style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> gonna</span> have them take a look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's still only August, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 600 bucks<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Elaine thought: <i style="">He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Roger thought: <i style="">They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Elaine thought: <i style="">Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight in his shining</i><i style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> armour</span> to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. </i><i style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.</span><o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">And Roger thought: <i style="">Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their …<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Roger,"</i> Elaine said aloud.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"What?"</i> asked Roger, startled.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Please don't torture yourself like this,"</i> she said, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. <i style="">"Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so …”</i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">(She broke down, sobbing.)</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"What?" </i>asked Roger.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"I'm such a fool,"</i> Elaine sobbed. <i style="">"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"There's no horse?"</i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"You think I'm a fool, don't you?"</i> </p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"No!"</i> said Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"</i> Elaine said.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">(There was a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he could, tried to come up with a safe response. Finally he came up with one that he thought might work.)</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Yes,"</i> he said.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">(Elaine, deeply moved, touched his hand.)</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"</i> </p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"What way?"</i> </p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"That way about time,"</i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Oh, Yes."<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">(Elaine turned to face him and gazed deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involved a horse. At last she spoke.)</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Thank you, Roger,"</i> she said.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Thank you, Elaine”.<o:p></o:p></i></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Then he took her home, and she lay on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and wept until dawn, whereas when Roger got back to his place, he opened a bag of chips, turned on the TV, and immediately became deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Serbians he had never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind told him that something major had been going on back there in the car, but he was pretty sure there was no way he could ever understand what, and so he figured it was better if he didn’t think about it. (This was also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">The next day Elaine called her closest friends and they talked about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they analyzed everything she had said and everything he had said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They continued to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Meanwhile, Roger, while drinking beer one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, paused just before a sip, frowned, and asked:</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><i style="">"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"</i></p>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-9772553031167862542008-05-29T12:36:00.003+05:302008-05-30T16:36:26.142+05:30The Answering Machine has spoken!!<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">These are from by-gone days when we actually had little machines that would answer the telephone for us. They were called "answering machines," intuitively enough. Roughly akin to voice mail today, but when they came out, they were quite novel. Thus, the were the source of much amusement.</span><br /><br />If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.<br /><br />A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.<br /><br />Hi. This is John:<br />If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> (Narrator's voice:)</span> There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.<br /><br />My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.<br /><br />Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.<br /><br />Hi. Now <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span> say something.<br /><br />Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.<br /><br />Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?<br /><br />Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.<br /><br />Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.<br /><br />Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.<br /><br />This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.<br /><br />Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a<br />message, and if I don't call back, it's you.<br /><br />Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.<br /><br />You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-31772428562613414822008-02-25T03:06:00.003+05:302008-02-25T04:58:33.233+05:30Attempt to Simplify English.We all know that <a href="http://letthisbeavailable.blogspot.com/2007/07/english-is-funny-language.html">English is quite a difficult language</a> to master what with all the double meanings and the extra-ordinary pronunciations. But the aspect of the English language that is the most difficult to grasp is the spelling. And blame it on the French! (the language, I mean, not the people esp. not the hot French girls) I mean why is <span style="font-style: italic;">ren-dez-vous</span> pronounced like how a Canadian would say <span style="font-style: italic;">round-a-bout. </span>Apparently, it is this influence that egged the English to pronounce the words irrespective of how they were spelled. And this can be very annoying for a novice at the language. It is in the hope to simplify this aspect that I present the following suggestions.<br /><br />One of the things in the English spelling that has trouble me are the double letters. I mean, they don't make any difference while pronouncing the word. So why keep them? So, we can do away with the double leters. Another anoying thing are the silent leters. Like there is no 'b' in <span style="font-style: italic;">doubt</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">debt</span>, and the extraneous 'e' at the end of most of the words such as <span style="font-style: italic;">there</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">table</span> etc serves no purpose whatsoever. It definitely does not provide end-suport to those words. So of course, the silent leters ar out to. Now, yu can notic how esy evrything is now.<br /><br />Now, another anoying thing about th languag is th use of vowels for rong sounds. This definitly provids a lot of confusion. So we eliminat th problem by fixing th vowel sounds as thus:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">a</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">cut</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">but</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">e</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">fret</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">det</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">i</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">fish</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">mis</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">o</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">cot</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">froth</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">u</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">put</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">good</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">aa</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">car</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">park</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">ee</span> wil hav th sound as in <span style="font-style: italic;">cat</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> etc.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>This wil obviasli teek taaim tu get iusd tu, bat it wil carteenli bi isiar in tha long ran. <span style="font-style: italic;">(Not: tha dabal vowals bing iusd hiar aar onli diu tu tha presenc of onli faaiv vowals in Inglish. If iu wont, iu ceen ius </span>α<span style="font-style: italic;"> in plec of </span>aa<span style="font-style: italic;"> and </span>ε<span style="font-style: italic;"> in plec of </span>ee<span style="font-style: italic;">.)</span><br /><br />Inglish olso hees ridandent letars. For exaampal, tha letar 'c'. Haaf tha taaim, it hees tha saaund of 'k' end et athar taaims, it is pronaauncd es 's'. Tha sem problam is with 'v' end 'w' bing tha sem saaund. So, wi ceen riplec 'c' with it's epropriet saaund end olso riples 'w' with 'v'. On tha sem laains, 'th' keen bi riplesd baai 'd'. End iu mast hev olredi notisd deet vi hev dan ave vid da letar 'y' tu.<br /><br />'X' keen olso bi sabstitiuted vid 'ks', 'ph' vid 'f' etc. Samtaaims, 'g' meks da saaund of 'j' ees in <span style="font-style: italic;">garaag</span>. Dis keen bi solvd baai speling it ees <span style="font-style: italic;">garaaj. </span>End 'z' hees da sem saaund es 'j' tu. So, vi eliminet 'z' oltugedar. Iu keen faaind meni sach sabstitiutians on ior on. Naau, ol dis maait sim veri difikalt et da fast gleens, bat vid propar prektis, aai em siur dat enivan vil bi ebal tu maastar it.<br /><br /> If iu kam ap vid mor ves tu simplifaai Inglish es a lenguej, iu keen let mi no in da kaments sekshan <span style="font-style: italic;">(</span>tion<span style="font-style: italic;"> hees bin riplesd baai </span>shan<span style="font-style: italic;">).</span> Thenk iu for ior taaim.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">PS: MS Ward gev mi a hel lot of trabal vid dis aartikal.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-40485374519129530032008-01-20T17:06:00.001+05:302008-02-23T05:23:30.947+05:30Military Aircraft Maintenance.<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.</span> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"> </p><dl style="text-align: justify;"><p> </p><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Almost replaced left inside main tire." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution 1: </strong> "#2 Propeller seepage normal." </dd><dd> <strong> Solution 2: </strong> "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "The autopilot doesn't." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "IT DOES NOW." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "Something loose in cockpit." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Something tightened in cockpit." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Evidence removed." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "Number three engine missing." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Engine found on right wing after brief search." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> "DME volume unbelievably loud." </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> "Volume set to more believable level." <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> Dead bugs on windshield. </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> Live bugs on order. <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> Cannot reproduce problem on ground. <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> IFF inoperative. </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> IFF inoperative in OFF mode. <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong> That's what they're there for. </dd></dl><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><dl style="text-align: justify;"><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong> Right engine sounds like little man with little hammer on shut down </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong>Removed hammer from little man <p> </p></dd><dt> <strong> Problem: </strong>Cockpit is infested with little white spiders </dt><dd> <strong> Solution: </strong>stomp and squish as required </dd></dl>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-82598647359971082782008-01-19T00:32:00.000+05:302008-01-19T00:36:00.063+05:30The World According to Students<div style="text-align: justify;"><strong></strong><span style="font-style: italic;">One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.</span></div><p style="font-style: italic; text-align: justify;">- Richard Ledere, St. Paul's School </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"> The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. </p>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-23707833698822728572008-01-15T17:06:00.000+05:302008-01-15T21:47:32.325+05:3060 Interesting ways To Order Pizza.<div style="text-align: justify;">1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.<br /><br />2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.<br /><br />3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."<br /><br />4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.<br /><br />5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."<br /><br />6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.<br /><br />7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.<br /><br />8. Answer their questions with questions.<br /><br />9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.<br /><br />10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.<br /><br />11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.<br /><br />12. Stutter on the letter "p."<br /><br />13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.<br /><br />14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."<br /><br />15. Change your accent every three seconds.<br /><br />16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.<br /><br />17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.<br /><br />18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.<br /><br />19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.<br /><br />20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.<br /><br />21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.<br /><br />22. Imitate the order taker's voice.<br /><br />23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.<br /><br />24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.<br /><br />25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"<br /><br />26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.<br /><br />27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be Rs. 120; please pull up to the first window."<br /><br />28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.<br /><br />29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.<br /><br />30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.<br /><br />31. Ask to see a menu.<br /><br />32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."<br /><br />33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.<br /><br />34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.<br /><br />35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.<br /><br />36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.<br /><br />37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"<br /><br />38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.<br /><br />39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.<br /><br />40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."<br /><br />41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.<br /><br />42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."<br /><br />43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.<br /><br />44. Try to talk while drinking something.<br /><br />45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"<br /><br />46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.<br /><br />47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.<br /><br />48. Be vague in your order.<br /><br />49. Use CB lingo where applicable.<br /><br />50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.<br /><br />51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.<br /><br />52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."<br /><br />53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.<br /><br />54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.<br /><br />55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.<br /><br />56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.<br /><br />57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.<br /><br />58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.<br /><br />59. Put them on hold.<br /><br />60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. </div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-87190335716641243432008-01-13T22:31:00.000+05:302008-01-14T23:46:17.728+05:30Cheeky Lawyer.<div style="text-align: justify;"><strong style="font-weight: normal; font-style: italic;"> A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual letter): </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the </strong><strong style="font-weight: normal;">proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):</span> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and </strong><strong style="font-weight: normal;">almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our darned loan?" </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong><br /><strong style="font-weight: normal; font-style: italic;"> The loan was approved.</strong></div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-61316620114688202732008-01-13T22:24:00.001+05:302008-05-30T17:11:32.855+05:30Cards Hallmark Should Make.<strong><strong></strong></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">My tire was thumping.<br /></span></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">I thought it was flat<br /></span></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">When I looked at the tire...<br /></span></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">I noticed your cat. Sorry!<br /></span></strong><strong></strong><div style="text-align: justify;"><strong> </strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Heard your wife left you, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> How upset you must be. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> But don't fret about it ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> She moved in with me. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Looking back over the years </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> that we've been together, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I can't help but wonder ...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> "What the hell was I thinking?" </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Congratulations on your wedding day! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Too bad no one likes your husband. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> How could two people as beautiful as you </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Have such an ugly baby? </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">I've always wanted to have </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> someone to hold, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> someone to love. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> After having met you ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I've changed my mind. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I never believed in Hell until I met you. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> That you're not here to ruin it for me. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Congratulations on your promotion. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Before you go... </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong></strong><strong></strong><strong></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;">Happy birthday! </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> You look great for your age. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Almost Lifelike! </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> When we were together, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> you always said you'd die for me. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Now that we've broken up, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> I think it's time you kept your promise. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> We have been friends for a very long time ...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Let's say we stop? </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>I'm so miserable without you ...</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> It's almost like you're here. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Did you ever find out who the father was? </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> So we're having you put to sleep. </span></strong><br /><strong> </strong><strong></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> So your daughter's a hooker, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> And it spoiled your day. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> Look at the bright side, </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-weight: normal;"> It's really good pay.</span></strong></div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-70639004360500249832008-01-10T20:14:00.000+05:302008-01-10T20:21:31.314+05:30Just Some Dam Letter<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County</span><br /><br />Dear Mr. DeVries:<br /><br />It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unpostAuthorIDized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unpostAuthorIDized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outletstream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.<br /><br />The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unpostAuthorIDized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.<br /><br />We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division<br />____________________________________________________________<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. </span><br /><br />Dear Mr. Price,<br /><br />Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, postAuthorIDize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.<br /><br />As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.<br /><br />I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.<br /><br />In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unpostAuthorIDized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.<br /><br />In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be prosecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)<br /><br />Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.<br /><br />THANK YOU.<br />RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-35639860000925046982008-01-10T19:57:00.001+05:302008-02-13T22:08:02.526+05:30Lampooning Lexiophilically<span style="font-style: italic;">You might require to read it again and again to get the joke, but don't worry, not everyone is gifted.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">01. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.<br />02. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.<br />03. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.<br />04. A backward poet writes inverse.<br />05. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.<br />06. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.<br />07. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.<br />08. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.<br />09. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.<br />10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.<br />11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.<br />12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.<br />13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.<br />14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.<br />15. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.<br />16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.<br />17. Every calendar's days are numbered.<br />18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.<br />19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.<br />20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.<br />21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.<br />22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.<br />23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.<br />24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.<br />25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.<br />26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.<br />27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.<br />28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.<br />29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.<br />30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-26996392832377753592007-12-03T17:50:00.000+05:302007-12-03T17:55:56.085+05:30Funny Aussies!<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?<span style="font-style: italic;"> (UK)</span>.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Depends how much you've been drinking.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? <span style="font-style: italic;">(Sweden)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(Sweden) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> So it's true what they say about Swedes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? <span style="font-style: italic;">(UK) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> What did your last slave die of?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Can I bring cutlery into Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(UK) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Why? Just use your fingers like we do.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Can I wear high heels in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">( UK) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> You are a British politician, right?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? <span style="font-style: italic;">(Germany)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A:</span> No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Do you have perfume in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(France) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> No, WE don't stink.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? <span style="font-style: italic;">(Italy) </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Yes, gay nightclubs.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? <span style="font-style: italic;">(France)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Only at Christmas.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Q:</span> Will I be able to speak English most places I go? <span style="font-style: italic;">(USA)</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> A:</span> Yes, but you'll have to learn it first</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-78955784397495446742007-12-03T17:46:00.000+05:302007-12-04T14:36:49.721+05:30Revenge stinks!<div style="text-align: justify;"> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.<br /><br />On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.<br /><br />On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.<br /><br />When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.<br /><br />When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.<br /><br />People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.<br /><br />A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.<br /><br />The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.<br /><br />Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.<br /><br />A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-37101429926872874892007-11-09T23:31:00.000+05:302007-11-09T23:46:02.803+05:30I Like Monkeys<span style="font-style: italic;">Found it somewhere. Thought it was funny.</span><br /><br />I like monkeys.<br /><p style="text-align: justify;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.<br /><br />I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.<br /><br />Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.<br /><br />I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.<br /><br />I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked fora while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.<br /><br />I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.<br /><br />I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.<br /><br />I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.<br /><br />Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasn't improving.<br /><br />I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.<br /><br />I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.<br /><br />I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.<o:p></o:p></span></p><div style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">I like monkeys.</span></div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-20617594932142370872007-11-07T13:46:00.000+05:302007-11-10T01:29:15.614+05:30Did You Know? (Part 2)<div style="text-align: justify;">In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment and a man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 P.M. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Imagine if the man has a broken toilet seat!</span>)<br /><br />In Israel, picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Aww... shucks!</span>)<br /><br />In California, USA it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. (<i>Wonder what the animal right activists would say to that</i>.)<br /><br />In the city of Blythe, California, a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Free! Free! Free! Buy two cows and get a pair of cowboy boots absolutely free! Hurry! Offer till stocks last!</span>)<br /><br />In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Talk about having the last drink.</span>)<br /><br />In the city of York, England it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Aah! But only...</span>)<br /><br />In the Mohave County of Arizona, anyone caught stealing a soap, must wash himself with it, until it’s all used up. (<i>That’ll make sure that the guy never uses soap again.</i>)<br /><br />In Angeles, California, if robbing a bank, shooting at the teller with a water gun is prohibited. (<span style="font-style: italic;">But water's cheaper than bullets!</span>)<br /><br />In Australia, it is illegal to dress up as batman. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Now that’s a big let down for all comic book fans. Hopefully dressing up as Superman is legal.</span>)<br /><br />In Israel, if you have been maintaining an illegal radio station for five or more years, the station becomes legal. (<span style="font-style: italic;">And until then? Can we operate from the basement?</span>)<br /><br />In Arkansas, a man has a legal right to beat his wife, but only once a month. (<i>So what’s the legal right of the wife, the rest of the 29 days</i>?)<br /><br />In Los Angeles, California you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. (<span style="font-style: italic;">And what about saving the water?</span>)<br /><br />In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed. (<span style="font-style: italic;">So don't forget to carry your marriage certificate with you.</span>)<br /><br />In Boston,Massachusetts it is Illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Obviously!</span>)</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-39186660149926570242007-11-04T13:33:00.000+05:302007-11-09T23:35:46.597+05:30Dear Diary...<div style="text-align: justify;">Writing a diary is supposed to enhance one's literary skills and will help in recollection if you look back at it many years later. Or so I had read it somewhere many years ago. After which I decided that I'll start keeping a diary from the coming new year onwards. Which I did. And I don't really know if it really helped in enhance my literary skills or now but let me tell you, it does provide a hell lot of recollection and not to mention a good, hearty laugh which rather helps in getting my circulation system a bit more enthusiastic about it's job. Here are the diary entries, verbatim (barring the grammatical mistakes which I'm too embarrassed to leave uncorrected).<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">January 1, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hi! I'm going to be writing in this diary everyday about my life and what goes on in it. I should hope that it'll be fun. I'll share everything in it. So, to start with, I'd a wonderful New Year's Party. The food was wonderful. We played Cluedo and then Monopoly. I didn't win but it was fun. But now, I'm going to sleep.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 2, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">My vacations end today. I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. But life! Didn't do much today. Played on the computer and watched TV. Boring.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 3, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Went to school. Nothing interesting happened. Boring.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 4, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 5, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 6, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Went to school. Weekend tomorrow at last.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">January 7, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Weekend's fun. Did nothing though.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 19, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh sorry, I'd forgotten that I'd to write in the diary. Nothing interesting happened, though. Went to school. I'll be regular from tomorrow.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">January 20, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">School was boring. Life's boring.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">February 12, 1999</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sorry, I forgot all about this diary again. I'll be regular from now on.</span><br /><br /><br />And that was the last entry for the year. The rest of the diary was used for rough work and recording poems and story ideas. Stupid things though, the diaries.</div>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-1764550320016487842007-11-01T23:36:00.000+05:302007-11-10T01:56:13.555+05:30Driving in India<p style="font-style: italic; text-align: justify;">An article by Coen Jeukens, a Dutchman, who spent two years in Bangalore, India.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. </p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Occasionally you might see what looks like a <span class="caps">UFO</span> with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi):</span> The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mopeds:</span> The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Leaning Tower of Passes:</span> Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">One-way Street:</span> These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.</p>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-27809555462768622442007-10-24T12:54:00.000+05:302008-12-11T11:28:15.208+05:30A Brand New Refreshment!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_hsU4Rb8bgGw/Rx70q_K8IMI/AAAAAAAAABM/_wPAJkAC1sM/s1600-h/resPICT0030.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_hsU4Rb8bgGw/Rx70q_K8IMI/AAAAAAAAABM/_wPAJkAC1sM/s400/resPICT0030.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5124802445343203522" border="0" /></a><br />Yes, cool rhyme and all that. But what about the thirsty vegetarians?!The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1687949892907734778.post-43617772548675939042007-09-16T17:20:00.000+05:302007-09-16T17:38:11.820+05:3010 things I would like to do before I die.<ol><li><s><span lang="EN-GB">Make a stupid list.</span></s></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Attend the Milan derby at San Siro.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Go on a World Tour.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Write a totally ripped-off book. Something like <span style="font-style: italic;">Harry Potter</span>, for instance.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">See Opeth and/or Anathema in Live Concert.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">See India play in the football World Cup.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">See the Earth from Outer Space.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Invent something totally useless.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Get a patent on the above-mentioned useless invention.</span></li><li><span lang="EN-GB">Get a life.<br /></span></li></ol>The Grin Reaperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05135520175810850816noreply@blogger.com1