Landfill

My Drinking Problem

2011-05-28T11:14:00.002+05:30

I could tell my story in two words - the two words “I drank.” But I was not always a drinker. This is the story of my downfall - and of my rise - for through the influence of a good woman, I have, thank Heaven, risen from the depths.

I cannot accurately remember when my addiction to the stuff really began. It stole upon me gradually, as it does upon so many young men. As a boy I remember trying it, but I can recall that I wasn’t really fascinated by it. My downfall really began when I began college.

It was then that I was first acquainted with the awful power of ridicule. They were a bunch of reckless youths, the always-have-fun-no-matter-who-thinks-what kind. They frequented the movie theatres. They thought nothing of having chocolate fudge late in the night or early in the morning. They laughed at me when I refused to join them. I was only 18 then. My character was undeveloped. I could not endure their scorn. The next time I was offered a drink I accepted. They were pleased, I remember. They called me “a good sport”, “a lovely chap” and other complimentary names. They began to talk to me. I was not ignored by them anymore. I was intoxicated with the sudden popularity.

Oh, how vividly I can recall that day! That shining, freshly-wiped counter, the colourful placards advertising various strange mixtures with ice-cream as their basis, their exotic-sounding names, the busy men behind the counter, the lovely eyes of the girl at the cash register where you bought the dessert checks. She had seen so many happy, healthy boys through that little hole in the wire netting, so many thoughtless boys all eager for their first soda, clamouring to set their foot on the primrose path that leads to destruction.

It was a Mint & Chocolate Chip sundae, I recollect. I dug my spoon into it with an assumption of excitement and happiness which I was far from feeling. The first mouthful almost nauseated me. It was like cold hair-oil. But I stuck to it. I could not chicken out now. I could not bear to forfeit the newly-won esteem of my comrades. They were gulping their sundaes down with the speed and enjoyment of old hands. I set my teeth, and persevered, and by degrees a strange exhilaration began to steal over me. I felt that I had burnt my boats and bridges; that I had crossed the River Styx. I was reckless. I ordered another round. I was the life and soul of that party.

The next morning brought with it pain and remorse. I did not feel well. My head hurt. I felt like two guys were going at the inside of my head with a sledgehammer. I was in intense pain- both physical, and mental. But I could not back down now. I was too weak to renounce my popularity. I was only a boy, and on the previous evening, the captain of the college football team, to whom I looked up with an almost worshipping reverence, had slapped me on my back and told me that I was an amazing chap. I felt that nothing could ever match the honour. That night, too, I gave a party at which ice-cream sodas flowed freely. And that party was the turning point.

I had got the habit. I had become addicted!

The next few years I will recount briefly. There is not much to say about it, except that I sank deeper and deeper into the abyss. So much so, that I knew all the ice-cream parlour tenders by their first names, and they knew me by mine. I didn’t have to specify the name of the abominations I wanted. I merely had to go to a ice-cream parlour, say, “The usual, Rahul,” and he understood.

At first, it did not really trouble me much. I was young and I was strong. My constitution disregarded the effects of my habit. But, gradually, it began to take it’s toll. I began to lose my grip. I could not go on without having at least 5 ice-cream sodas in a day. I had difficulty in concentrating. My work and studies suffered. I had frequent black-outs. I felt nervous and dizzy. I became distant from the world. Eventually, I went to a doctor.

He took a long look at me, did a check-up and said to me, “If I am to cure you of this ailment, you must tell me all.”

I hesitated at first. But then, I broke down, and with my head in my hands, I told him. “I am a confirmed soda-fiend, doctor,” I told him, “I am addicted to ice-cream.”

The doctor looked pityingly at me. He gave me long lectures about the harmful effects of the addiction. He gave me an even longer list of instructions. I was to abstain from sundaes of all variety and descriptions. I was to never look at a soda bottle again. If anyone even offered me one, I was to knock him down with one blow and hand him over to the nearest policeman.

But it was hard. You have no idea how tough it is for a young man living in a big and wicked city to keep away from it’s charms once he’s got the habit. I could not hang out with my group. They called me a “spoilsport”, “killjoy” and other godawful names. But I could not join them. They left me alone while they went on their revelries. I felt more alone than I ever had.

In the end, I undid all the good work of my one month’s abstinence. I had become desperate. I felt that there was nothing good left in the world. That nothing could save me now. So I went to the nearest joint and had 3 chocolate fudge, a pineapple fizz and 2 Blue Monsoons before I paused to take a breath. I hadn’t felt so good for a long time. It was like I was the king of the whole world.

And then, the next day, I met Sue, the girl who brought about my reformation. I met her at a party and we hit it off instantly. We spoke to each other regularly on the phone. And then, one day, I asked her out to dinner.

That was the happiest moment of my life. I met her at the door of her apartment. She was wearing a blue cocktail dress that matched the colour of her eyes. We went out to a nice restaurant and had a blast there. I could really feel a connection between us. A spark. I was beginning to feel the first wisp of love between us.

After the dinner, I took her out to my favourite ice-cream joint. We were inside and I was about to place my order, before she realized where she was and I shall never forget the look of extreme disgust and horror that came on her face at that moment.

“And I thought you were a great one!” she exclaimed to me. I could hear the pain in her voice.

It seemed that she was looking for a little wine or champagne. The idea was completely new to me. But she convinced me that it was only refreshment that she would consider, and recoiled in revulsion at my suggestion of a hot brownie topped with chocolate ice-cream. She grabbed me by my hand and took me out to the nearest bar. That night I tasted my first wine. And my resurrection began.

It was hard at first, really hard. Something inside me was pulling me back to the sundaes for which I craved, but I resisted the impulse. With her sympathetic encouragement, I acquired a taste for alcohol. And then, one day, I realised suddenly that I no longer had an urge to go inside a soda parlour. I never wanted to see an ice-cream parlour again. Beers, at first repellent to me, have become my first choice of refreshment for me. I drink wines for breakfast. I am cured. I am saved!

Exam Paper I

2010-04-07T15:04:00.002+05:30

Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters

(only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)

What's your age group ?
less than 0
equal to 0
greater than 0

What is 2 + 2 ?
FOUR
4
IV

If you have one brother, how many brothers your brother has?
none one question is too personal

Complete the following sentence........... (4 marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .

If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

Read the statement carefully and answer the following question :
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
Q. How many times the word "mother" appear in the above statement ?
None
few times
uncountable times

If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get
One rupee ? 100 paise ?

Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.
(HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______ (boy/girl). i am writing an essay.)

If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ?

At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

What do you do on a honeymoon ?
Collect Honey
Admire Moon
Collect Honey while admiring the moon

Earth is Flat ?
False
Indeed False

If A = B and B = C then B = A ?
TRUE
NOT FALSE
OUT OF SYLLABUS

If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you eat during dinner time ?

Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

Fill in the blank :
I am a letter.
READING
WRITING
SEALING

Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?
MR. ARMSTRONG
MISS ARMSTRONG
MRS ARMSTRONG

What comes first ?
the Egg
the Omelette

Can you count more than five using your hands ?
YES
NO

Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
Father
Brother
Son
Daughter

Car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. how many wheels does each car has ?
One Four Seven

To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator ?
ONE TWELVE

Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

This one tests your imagination.
SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because.........
SUN is smaller than AMERICA
One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
i do not have any time left to think on this one.

Your feedback counts. (please do not write how many times) I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as 8 9 10 [NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]
Number of times i flipped a coin 35 70 i forgot to bring my coin so i bluffed and prayed for good luck.

Exam paper II

2010-04-07T14:48:00.002+05:30

Instructions Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time limit 2 hours. Begin immediately.

History

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking

2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the Indian Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following:

Alexander of Aphrodisis
Rameses II
Hammuarabi.

Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:

Cubism
the Donatist Controversy
the Wave Theory of Light

Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

GrinReaper's Grumpy Personality Test

2008-06-18T03:47:00.005+05:30

Choose the answer that best represents your tendencies (and/or fantasies). Do not think too hard; go with your first instinct (or you can even cheat if you want). This is a self-discovery tool so there are no wrong answers (Breath a sigh of relief!). This test takes approximately 12 minutes and is not timed. Begin! (Only at your own risk, of course!)

1. When paying at a store I often
pay and leave without chit-chat have conversation with the cashier pull out a gun and demand cash

2. I work better when
deciding what to do next as I go following a schedule ordering others around

3. Talking about feelings and emotions is
difficult easya turn-on

4. I process information through
my five senses intuition my laptop or computer

5.My thoughts are
random orderly embarrassing

6.Clutter in my home
bothers me is not something I notice is helpful for concentration

7.I am more excited about what might happen
later today or tomorrow in a couple years in a parallel universe

8.After a social gathering I feel
energized drained drunk

9.I am most comfortable being
a planner spontaneous lousy

10.When in a one-on-one situation I usually do more
listening talking dribbling around the goalkeeper

11.I entertain myself with my
surroundings imagination girlfriend/boyfriend

12.I am more likely to have my
ass on the ground head in the clouds foot in the mouth

13.With people, I am more often
friendly and warm brief and to the point abusive and demanding

14. I see life
as it could be as it is as a burden

15. I usually
play, then work work, then play do nothing but drink beer and eat pizza all day

16.Change for me is
easy difficult something I put in vending machines

17.When making decisions I
don't consider the feelings of others consider the feelings of others recite eenie-meenie-minie-mo

18.I tend to
see the big picture focus on details black out very often

19.I tend to be more
reasonable personable annoying

20.I am governed by my
heart head boss

21.I prefer
routine activities "spur of the moment" activities sex

22.I consider myself to be
a concrete thinker an abstract thinker a stinker

23.Give me the
personal details facts money

24.I get energized by
learning facts exploring theories energy drinks

25.I consider myself to be
a realist an idealist a prick

26.Others might perceive me as
rigid aimless a guided missile

27. I am drawn to
hidden meaning and inspiration what is immediate pretty females/handsome males

28.I prefer speakers that communicate
figuratively literally telepathically

29.I make new friends
quickly over time only when I owe all my existing friends

30.My thoughts are on
what lies ahead the "here and now" filling this bloody questionnaire

31.I like
to "go with the flow" timetables and plans butterscotch sundae

32.When the phone rings I
pick it up right away wish I could ignore it dance to the ringtone

33.I am
subjective objective inactive

34.I am quick to
critique compliment run away

35.Being the center of attention is
exhilarating uncomfortable depends on the circumstances

36.When judging others I am
impartial partial corrupt

37I prefer someone who is
efficient empathetic sexy

38.I enjoy a task when I
start it complete it put it off onto others

39.I want to
get the task done get to know others just get the hell outta here

40.At work I am
relationship-focused task-oriented distracted

Please, mail me the completed questionnaires and then you can go back to doing whatever you were doing. I'll probably send you the results when I feel like it. Cash is a very good motivation, by the way. And so's the hollow end of a gun. Cheers!

Bloopers from Church Bulletins

2008-06-06T09:31:00.000+05:30

Supposed to be true:

Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Insurance Reports

2008-06-02T21:51:00.003+05:30

The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. The reports are claimed to be real.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Why Star Wars is not a kids' movie...

2008-06-01T11:14:00.003+05:30

While it may have been a great PG movie, some of these lines could be taken the wrong way. On some of these you have to really stretch.

From the Return of the Jedi:

"Rise, my friend."
"Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
"Not bad for a little furball."
"How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
"Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
"Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
"I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
"I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

From the Empire Strikes Back:

"Possible he came in through the south entrance."
"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
"Hurry up, golden-rod..."
"That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
"Control, control! You must learn control!"
"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

From A New Hope:

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Sorry about the mess..."
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell!"

Explaining the chemistry between a boy and a girl.

2008-05-30T16:29:00.004+05:30

There was a guy named Roger who was attracted to a woman named Elaine. One day he asked her out to a movie; she accepted; and they had a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asked her out to dinner, and again they enjoyed themselves. They continued to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them was seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they were driving home, a thought occurred to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she said it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there was silence in the car. To Elaine, it seemed like a very loud silence. She thought to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger thought: Gosh! Six months!!

And Elaine thought: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of a relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards children? Towards a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger thought: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine thought: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger thought: And I'm gonna have them take a look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's still only August, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 600 bucks

And Elaine thought: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger thought: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine thought: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight in his shining armour to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger thought: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their …

"Roger," Elaine said aloud.

"What?" asked Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she said, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so …”

(She broke down, sobbing.)

"What?" asked Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobbed. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?"

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?"

"No!" said Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine said.

(There was a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he could, tried to come up with a safe response. Finally he came up with one that he thought might work.)

"Yes," he said.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touched his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"

"What way?"

"That way about time,"

"Oh, Yes."

(Elaine turned to face him and gazed deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involved a horse. At last she spoke.)

"Thank you, Roger," she said.

"Thank you, Elaine”.

Then he took her home, and she lay on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and wept until dawn, whereas when Roger got back to his place, he opened a bag of chips, turned on the TV, and immediately became deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Serbians he had never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind told him that something major had been going on back there in the car, but he was pretty sure there was no way he could ever understand what, and so he figured it was better if he didn’t think about it. (This was also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine called her closest friends and they talked about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they analyzed everything she had said and everything he had said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They continued to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while drinking beer one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, paused just before a sip, frowned, and asked:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

The Answering Machine has spoken!!

2008-05-29T12:36:00.003+05:30

These are from by-gone days when we actually had little machines that would answer the telephone for us. They were called "answering machines," intuitively enough. Roughly akin to voice mail today, but when they came out, they were quite novel. Thus, the were the source of much amusement.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Attempt to Simplify English.

2008-02-25T03:06:00.003+05:30

We all know that English is quite a difficult language to master what with all the double meanings and the extra-ordinary pronunciations. But the aspect of the English language that is the most difficult to grasp is the spelling. And blame it on the French! (the language, I mean, not the people esp. not the hot French girls) I mean why is ren-dez-vous pronounced like how a Canadian would say round-a-bout. Apparently, it is this influence that egged the English to pronounce the words irrespective of how they were spelled. And this can be very annoying for a novice at the language. It is in the hope to simplify this aspect that I present the following suggestions.

One of the things in the English spelling that has trouble me are the double letters. I mean, they don't make any difference while pronouncing the word. So why keep them? So, we can do away with the double leters. Another anoying thing are the silent leters. Like there is no 'b' in doubt or debt, and the extraneous 'e' at the end of most of the words such as there, table etc serves no purpose whatsoever. It definitely does not provide end-suport to those words. So of course, the silent leters ar out to. Now, yu can notic how esy evrything is now.

Now, another anoying thing about th languag is th use of vowels for rong sounds. This definitly provids a lot of confusion. So we eliminat th problem by fixing th vowel sounds as thus:
a wil hav th sound as in cut, but etc.
e wil hav th sound as in fret, det etc.
i wil hav th sound as in fish, mis etc.
o wil hav th sound as in cot, froth etc.
u wil hav th sound as in put, good etc.
aa wil hav th sound as in car, park etc.
ee wil hav th sound as in cat, that etc.
This wil obviasli teek taaim tu get iusd tu, bat it wil carteenli bi isiar in tha long ran. (Not: tha dabal vowals bing iusd hiar aar onli diu tu tha presenc of onli faaiv vowals in Inglish. If iu wont, iu ceen ius α in plec of aa and ε in plec of ee.)

Inglish olso hees ridandent letars. For exaampal, tha letar 'c'. Haaf tha taaim, it hees tha saaund of 'k' end et athar taaims, it is pronaauncd es 's'. Tha sem problam is with 'v' end 'w' bing tha sem saaund. So, wi ceen riplec 'c' with it's epropriet saaund end olso riples 'w' with 'v'. On tha sem laains, 'th' keen bi riplesd baai 'd'. End iu mast hev olredi notisd deet vi hev dan ave vid da letar 'y' tu.

'X' keen olso bi sabstitiuted vid 'ks', 'ph' vid 'f' etc. Samtaaims, 'g' meks da saaund of 'j' ees in garaag. Dis keen bi solvd baai speling it ees garaaj. End 'z' hees da sem saaund es 'j' tu. So, vi eliminet 'z' oltugedar. Iu keen faaind meni sach sabstitiutians on ior on. Naau, ol dis maait sim veri difikalt et da fast gleens, bat vid propar prektis, aai em siur dat enivan vil bi ebal tu maastar it.

If iu kam ap vid mor ves tu simplifaai Inglish es a lenguej, iu keen let mi no in da kaments sekshan (tion hees bin riplesd baai shan). Thenk iu for ior taaim.

PS: MS Ward gev mi a hel lot of trabal vid dis aartikal.

Military Aircraft Maintenance.

2008-01-20T17:06:00.001+05:30

These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.": Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.": Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.": Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."; Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't.": Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit.": Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.": Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing.": Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud.": Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.: Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.: Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.: Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.: Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Right engine sounds like little man with little hammer on shut down: Solution: Removed hammer from little man
Problem: Cockpit is infested with little white spiders: Solution: stomp and squish as required

The World According to Students

2008-01-19T00:32:00.000+05:30

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

- Richard Ledere, St. Paul's School

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

60 Interesting ways To Order Pizza.

2008-01-15T17:06:00.000+05:30

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be Rs. 120; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Cheeky Lawyer.

2008-01-13T22:31:00.000+05:30

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our darned loan?"

The loan was approved.

Cards Hallmark Should Make.

2008-01-13T22:24:00.001+05:30

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
Let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.

Just Some Dam Letter

2008-01-10T20:14:00.000+05:30

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unpostAuthorIDized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unpostAuthorIDized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outletstream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unpostAuthorIDized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division
____________________________________________________________

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, postAuthorIDize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unpostAuthorIDized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be prosecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Lampooning Lexiophilically

2008-01-10T19:57:00.001+05:30

You might require to read it again and again to get the joke, but don't worry, not everyone is gifted.

01. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
02. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
03. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
04. A backward poet writes inverse.
05. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
06. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
07. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
08. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
09. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Funny Aussies!

2007-12-03T17:50:00.000+05:30

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Revenge stinks!

2007-12-03T17:46:00.000+05:30

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I Like Monkeys

2007-11-09T23:31:00.000+05:30

Found it somewhere. Thought it was funny.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked fora while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Did You Know? (Part 2)

2007-11-07T13:46:00.000+05:30

In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment and a man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 P.M. (Imagine if the man has a broken toilet seat!)

In Israel, picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden. (Aww... shucks!)

In California, USA it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. (Wonder what the animal right activists would say to that.)

In the city of Blythe, California, a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. (Free! Free! Free! Buy two cows and get a pair of cowboy boots absolutely free! Hurry! Offer till stocks last!)

In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. (Talk about having the last drink.)

In the city of York, England it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. (Aah! But only...)

In the Mohave County of Arizona, anyone caught stealing a soap, must wash himself with it, until it’s all used up. (That’ll make sure that the guy never uses soap again.)

In Angeles, California, if robbing a bank, shooting at the teller with a water gun is prohibited. (But water's cheaper than bullets!)

In Australia, it is illegal to dress up as batman. (Now that’s a big let down for all comic book fans. Hopefully dressing up as Superman is legal.)

In Israel, if you have been maintaining an illegal radio station for five or more years, the station becomes legal. (And until then? Can we operate from the basement?)

In Arkansas, a man has a legal right to beat his wife, but only once a month. (So what’s the legal right of the wife, the rest of the 29 days?)

In Los Angeles, California you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. (And what about saving the water?)

In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed. (So don't forget to carry your marriage certificate with you.)

In Boston,Massachusetts it is Illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. (Obviously!)

Dear Diary...

2007-11-04T13:33:00.000+05:30

Writing a diary is supposed to enhance one's literary skills and will help in recollection if you look back at it many years later. Or so I had read it somewhere many years ago. After which I decided that I'll start keeping a diary from the coming new year onwards. Which I did. And I don't really know if it really helped in enhance my literary skills or now but let me tell you, it does provide a hell lot of recollection and not to mention a good, hearty laugh which rather helps in getting my circulation system a bit more enthusiastic about it's job. Here are the diary entries, verbatim (barring the grammatical mistakes which I'm too embarrassed to leave uncorrected).

January 1, 1999
Hi! I'm going to be writing in this diary everyday about my life and what goes on in it. I should hope that it'll be fun. I'll share everything in it. So, to start with, I'd a wonderful New Year's Party. The food was wonderful. We played Cluedo and then Monopoly. I didn't win but it was fun. But now, I'm going to sleep.

January 2, 1999
My vacations end today. I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. But life! Didn't do much today. Played on the computer and watched TV. Boring.

January 3, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened. Boring.

January 4, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.

January 5, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.

January 6, 1999
Went to school. Weekend tomorrow at last.

January 7, 1999
Weekend's fun. Did nothing though.

January 19, 1999
Oh sorry, I'd forgotten that I'd to write in the diary. Nothing interesting happened, though. Went to school. I'll be regular from tomorrow.

January 20, 1999
School was boring. Life's boring.

February 12, 1999
Sorry, I forgot all about this diary again. I'll be regular from now on.

And that was the last entry for the year. The rest of the diary was used for rough work and recording poems and story ideas. Stupid things though, the diaries.

Driving in India

2007-11-01T23:36:00.000+05:30

An article by Coen Jeukens, a Dutchman, who spent two years in Bangalore, India.

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

A Brand New Refreshment!

2007-10-24T12:54:00.000+05:30

Yes, cool rhyme and all that. But what about the thirsty vegetarians?!

10 things I would like to do before I die.

2007-09-16T17:20:00.000+05:30

~~Make a stupid list.~~
Attend the Milan derby at San Siro.
Go on a World Tour.
Write a totally ripped-off book. Something like Harry Potter, for instance.
See Opeth and/or Anathema in Live Concert.
See India play in the football World Cup.
See the Earth from Outer Space.
Invent something totally useless.
Get a patent on the above-mentioned useless invention.
Get a life.

This is what GRE does to you

2007-09-15T16:19:00.000+05:30

Received this in an e-mail. Pretty cool.

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

Terrorist Fan Mail

2007-09-09T17:51:00.001+05:30

Dear Terrorists,

I know that you guys are, like, always on the move and all, so this letter might not get to you. But if it does, I would like to tell you that I’m like a big fan of yours and the stuff that you guys do. You know, ever since I saw you guys crashing the plane into the WTC on 9/11, I really thought that you guys were so cool. You know, like fearless and all. That kind of stuff totally kicks me up, you know. So, like, since then, I wanted to become a terrorist when I grew up. I’ve been practicing being one on this game called CS. Have you guys like ever played that? You know, you should, I’m damn sure you’ll, like, totally enjoy the game and all. And I’m a pretty decent shot with an AK-47, you see.

Now to the serious stuff, you guys. I know you guys don’t really take criticism badly, so, I thought that I could like tell you guys something that’s been on my mind lately, you know. It’s like, I know you guys are after the government of various countries and all, but, you know, it’s like a totally stupid thing to blow up normal people to show your hate. Because, it’s like, the normal people don’t really like their government either, you know. They all totally hate the people who lead them. So, you know, by blowing them up, you’re only killing your supporters and all. And besides, the worst thing you could actually do to the normal people is to let them continue their totally miserable lives. Do you know how hard it is to get a decent job nowadays? Do you guys know how hard it is for a normal person to feed himself and his family, if any? Do you guys, like, have any idea how difficult it is to live in this world filled with corrupt police and politicians and all? So, you know, it’s better if you guys could just leave the normal people alone and not blow them up like you do all the time.

I really hope that you guys would, like, think about what I told you and all and, like, decide on your targets again. And also, since, you know, that Christmas is like just around the corner and all, could you guys, like, get Mr. Bin Laden (Can I call him “The Big Oz”, by the way?) to come over to my place and gift me an AK-47? You know, it would be really awesomely cool to terrorise my neighbourhood and all. And teach all the bullies why not to mess with me and all. I would really like to become the Friendly Neighbourhood Terrorist, you know. Would it be, like, cool if I call myself the Spandexman?

Your biggest fan,
Me

Lord of the rings: Really, Really Short Version

2007-08-09T22:17:00.000+05:30

This one is totally off the rocker. While my versions would only make one smile, this one made me laugh out loud. Take a look at it yourself: Lord of the rings: Really, Really Short Version

In the words of the person who sent me this: "You have to admit, it beats all the other versions". And so it does :D

Did you know?

2007-08-02T06:00:00.000+05:30

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT difference makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

And, the best for last... turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

The Terribly Tough Tongue Twisters

2007-07-31T22:10:00.000+05:30

I was browsing through the web desperately trying to find some means of entertainment when I stumbled upon a site with some quality tongue twisters. Well, what could be a better way to while away time than to speak out tentatively traumatising tongue twisters. I had my fun. You have your share to. But please stop before your condition reaches that of the guy over here:

Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
and made the big black bear bleed blood.

A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

Two Truckee truckers truculently truckling
to have truck to truck two trucks of truck.

Ed had edited it.

A bloke's back bike brake block broke.

Lily ladles little Letty's lentil soup.

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

And if you're still willing to try some more, find More tongue twisters here.

English is a Funny Language

2007-07-28T03:40:00.000+05:30

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this post, I end it?

Songs of the Middle-Earth: White City

2007-07-22T20:42:00.000+05:30

White City
(Originally as Paradise City by the Guns N' Roses, this song is the most popular soldier's tune in Minas Tirith.)

Chorus:
Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Just a soldier livin' under the street
I'm a hard warrior that's tough to beat
I'm your last defense
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you with a dime
Fightin' to the end of time.

Orcs to Trolls
Or so they say
You gotta
Keep fightin' for the glory and fame
You know it's, it's all a game
When it's just a game
You treat it like a great war
We are fightin' for Gondor

Chorus x2

Standing in the tower of the city's battlements
Last I was afraid, I can't quite remember
The captain general says it's time to stay alert
I'd have another pipeweed
But I can't see
Tell me that you're gonna believe

Chorus x2

So far away x4

Though Gondor's been torn apart
It still has its glory
With a light heart
We watch towards Mordor
And they can never take Gondor
I must be losing my mind
"Are you blind?!"
I've seen it all a mllion times

CHORUS x4

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down
Oh yeah
Beat me down
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Boy, I'm gonna be mean
Oh, oh take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home
Baby

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Knockin' on Gondor's Doors

2007-07-22T12:48:00.000+05:30

Knockin' on Gondor's Doors
(Sung to the tune of Knockin' on Heaven's Doors by Eric Clapton, it was often sung by the orcs who were handling the Grond during the Siege of Minas Tirith)

Sauron gave this Grond to me
The hammer of Vala Melkor
It's getting dark and I am happy
Feels like I'm knockin' on Gondor's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door

The doors are falling to the ground
There won't be a Minas Tirith anymore
The great Witch King is comin' down
Feels like I'm knockin' on Gondor's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Ëarendil

2007-07-22T12:07:00.000+05:30

Ëarendil
(Sung to the tune of Kryptonite by the Three Doors Down, this song was often sung by Frodo during his journey to destroy the Ring.)

I took a walk in Middle-Earth to
Ease the troubled land
I left my uncle laying somewhere
In the Rivendell
I have to throw the Ring
Into the Cracks of Doom
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I have to throw the Ring
Into the Cracks of Doom
Even though I know
This will lead me to my doom.
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as Sauron will be dead at the end

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

You called me strong, you called me weak
But still the Ring I will keep
I'll remember you for all the times you
Never let me down
I stumbled in and bumped my head, if
Not for you then I would be dead
You picked me up and put me back
On solid ground

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Minas Morgul

2007-07-21T21:25:00.000+05:30

Minas Morgul
(Sung to the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles)

On a dark Mordor highway, foul wind in my hair
Foul smell of flesh, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There he stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
’this could not be heaven so this really is hell’
Then he lit up a torch and he showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Minas Morgul
Such a beastly place
Such a beastly face
Plenty of doom at the Minas Morgul
Any time of year, you can find it here

His mind is a little twisted, He's got the orcs and troll
He got a lot of baddy, baddy boys, that He calls Nazgul
How they roam in the courtyard, shreiking their cry.
Some kill for pleasure, some kill to destroy

So I called up the Witch King,
’please bring me my wine’
He said, ’we haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Minas Morgul
Such a beastly place
Such a beastly face
They livin’ it up at the Minas Morgul
What a nice kill, to your heart's fill.

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink flesh on ice
And he said ’you are all just prisoners here, of your own device’
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the dinner
The stab it with their steely knives,
After they had killed the prisoner.

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
’relax,’ said the Witch King,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkin any time you like,
But you can never leave!

Songs of the Middle-Earth: We Will Rock You

2007-07-21T14:45:00.000+05:30

We Will Rock you!
(Originally by Queen, this one was sung by the Orc Army outside the walls of Minas Tirith during the siege)

Gondor is a city with a big wall
Fightin’ in the field gonna be a big war to-day
Throwin' rocks on yo’ walls
Your big city falls
Killin' your men all over the place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Buddy we’re all young orcs hard orcs
Shoutin’ in the street gonna take Middle Earth some day
We got blood on our swords
We're no cowards
Wavin’ our banner all over the place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Sauron is our Dark Lord Power Lord
Lookin' with his Eye gonna make your walls shake to-day

Throwin' rocks on your walls
You big city falls
We're gonna kill all the men in your place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Everything I do (I do it for you)

2007-07-21T14:24:00.000+05:30

Everything I do (I do it for you)
(Originally sung by Bryan Adams, this one is now performed by the Dark Lord Sauron)

(To: The One Ring)
Look into my Eye
You will see
What you mean to me
Searched the Shire
I'm Searching Gondor
When I find you
Then I'll search no more

(To: Nazgul)
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for

(To: The One Ring)
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

(To: Frodo)
Look into your heart
You will find
There's nowhere left to hide
Give me what I need
Give my Ring
I would take it back
I would sacrifice

(To: Nazgul)
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more

(To: The One Ring)
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no ring
Like your beauty
And no other
Could give more power
There's no Middle Earth
When you're there
All the time
All the way

(To: The Nazgul)
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more

(To: The One Ring)
Yeah, I would fight for you
I'd kill for you
Go to war for you
Yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do
Ohhh, I do it for you

The Tantalising Toothpaste

2007-07-13T12:31:00.000+05:30

I'm using this new toothpaste. It's not really that great. The taste is very bland. Anyhow, what's interesting is this line written on the tube: “You may experience brighter teeth and fresher breath.”

Now, that got me asking questions. What do they mean may experience? And even if I do, will the brighter teeth and fresher breath be mine? Or will I be experiencing someone else's? Dammit! I need answers...

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

2007-07-10T14:37:00.000+05:30

(Background: Bilbo Baggins had a magic ring which made the wearer invisible. Frodo Baggins was his nephew.)

Shire: Happy Birthday, Bilbo!
Bilbo: Thank you all! It’s time for my retirement. Frodo, I leave you all my possessions, including the magic ring.
Gandalf: I’m feeling a bit metallurgical today. Let’s heat the ring.
Frodo: Oooh! Bright, fiery letters!
Gandalf: Dammit! That means that’s the One Ring.
Frodo: Yeah, I can count, stupid. I know it is one ring.
Gandalf: You are in dire need of a history lesson.

(Flashback to the Battle of the Last Alliance and the siege of Mordor)

The Last Alliance: Surrender, Sauron!
Sauron: Make me!
(Battle begins. Sauron swings around his mace killing elves and men. Very much like how a bowling ball strikes the ninepins.)
Elendil: You bastard, I’ll kill you!
(Sauron swings his mace and kills Elendil.)
Isildur: Father! Nooooo! (To Sauron) I’ll kill you, you motherf#@!er!
Sauron: Yeah sure… (shows Isildur the finger)
(Isildur cuts off the finger, ring and all)
Sauron: Oh Shit! (loses his body shape and flees as a spirit)
The Last Alliance: Woohoo!
Elrond: Destroy the ring to destroy Sauron forever.
Isildur: F#@! You. I’m keeping the Ring with myself. It’s so beautiful and round.
(Isildur travels back to his home, gets attacked and is killed, losing the ring in the process)

(End of flashback)

Frodo: This is heavy.
Gandalf: Haha. Nice pun. Now go to Rivendell with the Ring.
Sam, Pippin and Merry: We’re going too.
Gandalf: Okay! (with a thick Austrian accent) I’ll be back!

(On the road)
Strider: Can I join you boys too? I can be your guard and all. And I’m a good singer too.
The hobbits: Have you got food for all of us?
Strider: Yeah!
The hobbits: Alright! Join us.

(On Weathertop)
Nazgul: Give us the Ring.
Frodo: F#@! You.
(Strider attacks the Nazgul. But one of the Nazgul stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: Aaaaah! Shit!
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Shit! Frodo got stabbed.
Strider: Shit! Let’s hurry to Rivendell.

(In Rivendell. Frodo gets cured there.)
The Hobbits: This place is beautiful! So many gorgeous elf maidens!
Strider (Henceforth known as Aragorn): I missed you, baby doll.
Arwen: I missed you too, sweetie pie.
Elrond: I’ve called a council among all the representatives of dwarves, elves, men and hobbits and wizards. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. (Frodo places the ring on a pedestal in the centre of the council) This Ring is evil. We should destroy it to defeat Sauron forever and be free from his tyranny. Who will go to destroy it?
Boromir: But shouldn’t we use the Ring as a weapon against Sauron?
Aragorn: No, you cannot. The Ring should be destroyed. That’s the only way to defeat Sauron.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Frodo: I’ll take the Ring to Mordor. But I don’t know the way.
Gandalf: I have the map to Middle-Earth. So, I’ll come with you.
Aragorn: I’ll come with you too. I’ll protect you.
Legolas: Aragorn is right. I’m coming too.
Gimli: Oh, what the hell! I’m in too.
Boromir: Is this some new trend? I’ll come too. But only because my home lies that way. (Bloody idiots)
Sam, Merry and Pippin: We’re going too. We hobbits come in a package deal.
Elrond: Hmm… nine of you there are. Call you The Nine Walkers I will. How creative I am! Watch less Star Wars I should.
The Fellowship: Right ho! We’re off!

(On Caradhras)
Fellowship: It’s too cold.
Gandalf: But the weather report in the news said that it was going to be bright and sunny today.
Fellowship: Let’s go to Moria. At least it’ll be warmer there.

(In Moria)
Gimli: My ancestors built this place. Lovely, no?
Fellowship: Awesome!
Gandalf: I have a bad feeling about this.
(Sounds of howling and screeching!)
Legolas: Orcs!
Fellowship: F#@!
(Battle ensues. Fellowship escapes to the bridge of Khazad-dum)
Gandalf: The rest of you go outside. I’ll guard the bridge.
Balrog: I’ll kill you all.
Gandalf: You. Shall not. Pass. (strikes the bridge with his staff. Bridge breaks and Balrog falls.)
Balrog: If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me. (Grabs Gandalf)
Gandalf (hanging on to the ledge): I can’t fly, you fools. (falls into the abyss)
Fellowship: This sucks.
Aragorn: I’ll lead the fellowship now. Let’s go to Lothlorien.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(In Lothlorien)
Galadriel: You can rest here. Enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just call room assistance.
Fellowship: Awesome!
Galadriel: Frodo, you come with me.
Frodo: Okay.
Galadriel: Look into this bowl of water.
Frodo: Wow! Lovely fish.
Galadriel: Not that bowl, you idiot. This one.
(Frodo sees the future.)
Galadriel: Forewarned is forearmed. Now, go and destroy the Ring.
Frodo: Roger that, lady. But can I go to sleep now? (yawns)

(Fellowship journeys to Amon Hen.)
Aragorn: Let’s rest here.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Boromir (to Frodo): Let’s take a walk.
(Boromir and Frodo go some distance away from the rest of the fellowship)
Boromir: Give me the Ring. I’ll use it in my war against Sauron. I’ll defeat him. And then I’ll be famous. All the girls will swoon over me.
Frodo: No, I won’t give the Ring to you.
Boromir: F@#! You.
(Frodo slips on the Ring and disappears.)
Boromir: Dammit!

(Noises of howling and screeching)
Legolas: Orcs!
(Battle begins.)
Ugluk, leader of the Orcs: Find the hobbits.
(Battle continues)
Merry and Pippin: Shit! We’re surrounded.
Boromir: I’ll save you.
(Boromir fights the orcs but is killed. The orcs grab Merry and Pippin and run. Aragorn comes to the scene some moments later.)
Aragorn: Oh! Boromir is dead. Let’s push him over the falls and run after the orcs to save Merry and Pippin.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

2007-07-10T14:31:00.000+05:30

(After several days and miles. The orcs are in Rohan.)
Orcs: Let’s rest here.
(They put Merry and Pippin on the ground.)
Rohirrim: How dare you orcs enter our land without passport? We’ll kill you.
(Battle begins. In the confusion, Merry and Pippin free themselves and run and hide in the nearby Fangorn forest. The Rohirrim kill all the orcs and burn their bodies. In the Fangorn Forest.)
Treebeard: Who are you?
Merry and Pippin: We’re the hobbits. Great things are afoot.
Treebeard: Oh yes… sometimes great things are a foot tall only. Hahahaha.
Merry and Pippin: Hahahahaha (bloody idiot) hahahahaha. Now we must attack Isengard. Saruman should be destroyed.
Treebeard: But why?
Pippin: Because he cut your trees.
Treebeard: Ho Hum! Let me gather my army of walking trees.

(Meanwhile Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have entered the land of Rohan. They meet up with the Rohirrim riding back from the battle.)
Aragorn: Yo fellas! What’s up?
Eomer: I’m Eomer, a marshal of Rohan. Have you entered Rohan without passports?
Aragorn: We’re the F.B.I. We don’t need passports.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: You’re the what?
Aragorn: The F.B.I. We’re what the Fellowship has Broken Into.
Eomer: Oh. I see. What business have you here?
Aragorn: We’re looking for some orcs. They have our friends.
Eomer: Oh, we killed them. (points to the smoke from the burning) See. We sent a smoke signal.
Aragorn: Did you find any hobbits? They’re our friends.
Eomer: Nope. Only orcs.
Aragorn: Dammit! We’ll go look for them at the battleground anyway.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: Suit yourselves.

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli enter the Fangorn forest. They see someone moving in the forest.)
Legolas: Orcs!
Gimli: No, that’s Saruman. Let’s kill him.
Aragorn: No, let’s wait and see what he does.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Stranger: Wassup dudes?
Aragorn: Who are you?
Stranger: Y’all don’t know me? I’m Gandalf.
Gimli: No shit! I thought you were dead.
Gandalf: Haha, fooled ya. I’m back. Let’s go to Edoras and meet up with Théoden, the King of Rohan.

(In Edoras)
Gandalf: Théoden, war is upon you. You must fight back.
Théoden: Buzz off, you senile, old fool! We don’t need your help.
Gandalf: You’re out of your mind. Come, look outside. Don’t despair.
Théoden: You’re right. We shall fight Saruman. Forth Eorlingas!

(The Rohan army is diverted into Helm’s Deep. The orcs attack at night. There’s a big battle. You can see that in the movie. The good guys win and orcs are driven back.)
Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: So long, friends. I’m off to Gondor. You guys can tag along later. With an army. See ya.
Pippin: Can you give me a lift?
Gandalf: Hop on!
(Gandalf and Pippin gallop on to Gondor. I mean, the horse Shadowfax does. Gandalf and Pippin simply ride it.)

(Now we go back to Frodo and Sam)
Sam: We’re lost.
Frodo: I’m afraid, we are.
Gollum: Give us the precious!
Frodo: In your dreams, you slinky boy.
(Gollum fights with the hobbits but the hobbits tie him with a rope)
Gollum: Its burns us! It burns us! Take it off us!
Frodo: But only if you show us the way to Mordor.
Gollum: Will do!
Frodo: It’s a deal then.

(The three go to Mordor. On the way, they meet Faramir, Boromir’s brother, who captures them.)
Faramir: Who are you?
Frodo: We’re going to Mordor.
Faramir: What for?
Frodo: To destroy this (holds up the Ring)
Faramir: My God! Isildur’s bane. Go destroy it.

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum reach Mordor. They enter Cirith Ungol. The back-door to Mordor.)
Gollum: Follow us, hobbitses.
Frodo and Sam: Coming.
Gollum: In this cave you go.

(The cave is actually the home of Shelob, a giant spider. She tries to capture Frodo but manages only to poison him. Sam pokes Shelob in the eye and the spider retreats back into the cave)
Sam: Master! Master! Talk to me!
(Frodo remains unconscious)
Sam: Shit! What am I gonna do now?

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

2007-07-10T14:19:00.000+05:30

(Gandalf reaches Gondor and meets Denethor, the steward of Gondor)
Gandalf: Old man!
Denethor: Old hag!
Pippin: Your son, Boromir, died trying to save me. I offer you my services.
Denethor: Accepted. Go to the Tower Guard to have your gate-pass made.
Gandalf: War is upon you.
Denethor: I know. Now go and sulk in your room.

(A few days later, Mordor’s army siege Gondor)
Gondorians: F@#!
Denethor: Flee!
Gandalf: Fight!
Pippin: Can you all stop using the f-words?

(In Rohan)
Eomer: I’ve managed to assemble the Rohan army, my King.
Théoden: Good boy. Now let’s go to war.

Aragorn: I’m taking the short-cut. The paths of the dead.
Théoden: Why?
Aragorn: I don’t have that much time. Besides I’ve got a ghost army to exorcise.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: I’m coming with you too.
Théoden: Okay, off you go. See you in the battle-field.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli: Take care, y’all. And kick their asses.

(The Rohan army rides to Gondor. They fight the Mordor army. Big, big battle. Watch the movie for details. Lovely action. Good guys win again. And Aragorn comes too in the end to finish the orcs off. Spectacular!)

Gondor: We’re free.

Gandalf: But now we must attack Mordor itself.
Eomer: You’re just being overconfident. You’re going senile.
Aragorn: No, Gandalf is right. We must give Frodo his chance.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: Okay. Let me finish this pint of ale first.

(At the Black Gate, the entry to Mordor.)
Good guys: Come out you black piece of shit! Come out and surrender.
Sauron: Talk to my mouth first.
Mouth of Sauron: Yo!
Good guys: Shut up!

(Sauron sends his orc army to fight the good guys. The good guys give a tough battle. But they’re losing the battle.)

(Meanwhile, Frodo regains consciousness and he and Sam go to the Cracks of Mt. Doom.)
Sam: Throw the ring, Master!
Frodo: But it's beautiful.
Gollum: My precious! Give us the precious!
Frodo: F@#! You! (Frodo shows Gollum the finger, who bites it off, ring and all)

Gollum (dancing): My Precious!
(While dancing, Gollum performs a moonwalk, oblivious to the fact that behind him there’s a river of Lava flowing and goes and drowns in it, ring and all)

(Outside, Mordor erupts in the biggest display of pyrotechnics ever. Humbling Gandalf even!)

Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: Sauron is dead.
Aragorn: And I’m the king of Gondor.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(And well, that’s the end of the story. After this, there’s a lot of happy, happy stuff like Aragorn’s and Arwen’s wedding and Aragorn’s crowning etc. For details watch the movies. Or better still read the book)

Let's get interactive...

2007-07-09T14:52:00.000+05:30

Oh yes, I've decided to buck up the interactivity in this blog by a bit. So now if you comment on my blog, your comments will get commented upon by me. Also, you can send me e-mails if you like by following that dainty little link on the right hand side of the page. Or from my Blogger profile. This is not as much to increase the number of comments as it is to getting to know my readers and all.

So feel free and comment a lot. And in the process, get commented upon.

Anyhow, before I end this, a joke for you to grin about:

This guy and his group are going through some freshly developed photographs in a restaurant. One of the photos flips and falls under the seat of a lady. So, the guy goes over to the lady and asks, "Can you lift up your dress, please? I want to take a photo."

Haha, now interact!

A Copa America-n Coffee!

2007-07-09T14:10:00.000+05:30

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time watching the Copa America football action on TV. And that too on Ten Sports. The only other channel showing football from down there is in Arabic. And I’ve had enough of hearing “SHOOOOOOT” and “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL” repeated over and over again in various permutations and combinations throughout the football match. Anyhow, the Ten Sports commentators aren’t any good either. But one can’t fail to be impressed by their much advanced English vocabulary as compared to their Arab counterparts. With addition of other words such as “pass”, “miss” and “score”, the commentary just gets a bit livelier.

But have you ever noticed how most of the people support Brazil? Back in my college, during the World Cup ’06, there were more people packed into the TV room during Brazil vs. Ethiopia (or was it Ghana?) than during the semi-final between Italy and Germany. Alas, the Brazil supporters missed my victory dance that night when Italy won the match.

Anyhow, coming back to Ten Sports, these commentators are obviously Brazil-fans. And according to them, Brazil plays the most beautiful and perfect football in the world. And the rest are there just so that Brazil can have someone to play against. Let me give you some proofs.

Chile gets the ball, breaks past the defence line, shoots and misses. The commentators say, “The Chile team lack good finishing. This way, they’ll be out of the tournament very soon.” Now, when Brazil does the same thing, they say, “And Brazil tests the keeper and the defence yet again. They’ve shown their attacking mindset early on in the game.”

Paraguay gets the ball but gives it away cheaply. Commentators say, “Paraguay can’t control the ball properly. How will they score if they can’t even keep the ball with them?” And for Brazil, “One of the greatest things about Brazil is that they let the other team play too.” I mean, seriously, what the hell!?

Colombia opens up in defence and concedes a goal. “Now that’s certainly game over for Colombia. They have a mountain to climb.” And when the Samba-land goes one down. “Now this game has really opened up. We shall see great, relentless, attacking football from the Brazilians as they’ll proceed to smash their opposition to smithereens. Game on!”

I say, Brazil won’t win the Copa America. I’d put the odds against Brazil winning as 2-1. Bets, anyone?

The Seven Wonders of the World

2007-07-08T11:53:00.000+05:30

Last night the Seven Wonders of the World were unveiled in Lisbon, Portugal. After months of frantic clicking, texting, urging others, advertising, egging and did I mention clicking and texting, by several millions of people all over the world, the list was democratically decided. And guess what? India’s very own Taj Mahal is listed amongst them. Clap clap and all that sort of a thing. And do I feel proud? Oh, hell, yeah! I’m proud about the fact that there are so many people having internet connections in India. I’m proud that there are so many cell phone users in India. I’m overly proud of the fact that so many Indians know how to set up proxy IPs so that they can vote multiple times in a row. I’m also proud of the fact that so many Indians have nothing to do but vote all day long i.e. they have no life. Oh yeah, I’m full of national pride alright. Waah Taj Waah! I’m very sure a certain tea-packaging company in India will be very delighted with all this. Will it be too much to expect free tea packets from them?

But then, if every other NGO could decide upon the Seven Wonders of the World, why can’t I? I mean it’s a democracy, right? Everyone has the right to say and express. Now, I’m not one of those who express themselves by burning stuff in public and throwing stones at public property. But I like to express myself using words. After all, it is rightly said that a keyboard is mightier than a sword. Or was it a pen? Hmm… so, here goes my very own Seven Wonders of the World list:

Bollywood, the Indian movie production house: Bollywood is definitely the biggest Wonder of the World. It’s essentially composed of mindless maniacal monkeys who shamelessly filch from the Hollywood and still come out with stuff that stinks. And what’s more. It’s the second largest movie production house in the world. A place where beauties and booties matter more than acting skills (the only other place where this happens are porn films) and a science fiction movie essentially consists of the actors and actresses dancing around planets instead of trees, how can it not be a Wonder of the World. Or of many worlds for that matter.
Al Qaeda terrorist network: Oh yes, them. The second biggest pain-in-the-ass organisation after the United Nations Organisation, they certainly deserve to be a wonder of the world. After all, how can anything that can survive all the incessant bombings and invasion by the supreme military power of the world, the U.S. of A., and is led by someone who apparently has total kidney failure and still lives (or does he?), not be awarded with such a prestigious honour? Face of all terrorism in the world that too. Wonder-ful!
U.S.A: Which should actually be rechristened to the Universal Security Agency, it upholds the preservation of democracy and freedom all over the world as its sole right and reason to invade other countries. With such supreme intelligence provided by the F. to the B.I. and the C. to the I.A. and headed by a President who says things like “Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.” and “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” I cannot imagine how can they not be the most powerful nation in the whole wide world. Or “www” if you like.
Government: The most powerful congregation of liars. Ever. The perfect con-artists, they entrance their voters with false hopes and fantastical illusions in such a way that they actually get voted to determine the policy for the people. Which, ultimately, involves their own benefits rather than of those who voted for them. For such a menagerie of chair-loving-and-betrayer-of-trust people, being called a Wonder of the World is a very small honour to bestow upon. I would rather recommend a personal tour of the major prisons of the world where they can experience first-hand the pleasure of living off taxpayer’s hard-earned money. Which they do anyway.
Me: Oh, this is my narcissist and egocentric self speaking. I think I’m the best in the world. Apart from Ricky Kaka, that is. I so rock! I’m truly a wonder of the world.
You, the reader of my blog: I love you guys. Specially the beautiful girls. You all are wonders of the world. Please comment freely on the blog to make sure you’re not removed from the list. And earn my wrath in the process.
The Taj Mahal: This is just my national pride speaking. Not to mention, the fear of incurring the wrath of all my fellow Indian brothers who spent months clicking and texting. I wouldn’t want any effigies of myself burnt, would I? I really don’t want to cause global warming. Indirectly, that is.

PS: Saagar, I did not steal from your blog. I had written this quite a few days ago and was waiting for 07/07/07 to come around. Peace. In the world, that is…

Portable egg-boiler!

2007-07-07T13:39:00.000+05:30

My Dad sent me this in an e-mail:

How Two Russian Journalists Cooked an Egg with their Mobile Phones

Vladimir Lagovski and Andrei Moiseynko from Komsomolskaya Pravda Newspaper in Moscow decided to learn first-hand how harmful cell phones are. There is no magic in cooking with your cell phone. The secret is in the radio waves that the cell phone radiates.

The journalists created a simple microwave structure and placed the egg between two cell phones. They called from one cell phone to the other and left both phones on talking mode. They placed a tape recorder next to phones to imitate sounds of speaking so the phones would stay on.

After, 15 minutes: The egg became slightly warm.

25 minutes: The egg became very warm.

40 minutes: The egg became very hot.

65 minutes: The egg was cooked.

Conclusion..1: Cooking eggs with mobile phones is possible but very expensive ($4.55 or 123 Rubles)

Conclusion..2: All this talk of danger is exaggerated; even if your brain gets cooked, it would take a couple hours of talking on a cell phone.It takes approximately 2 minutes of speaking on a cellular phone for the radiation to cross the protective Blood Brain Barrier. So whenever there is a land line available use it in preference to your cell.

Best Regards
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think Dad sent me this because of my above average cellphone usage. Or maybe because I like eggs and have nothing to boil them with in my hostel-room. So now that I'm confronted with this knowledge of my brain being cooked, you would ask me how I feel? Well, a bit hot-headed...

Cricket vs football.

2007-07-04T20:48:00.000+05:30

Background knowledge you should be acquainted with: My dad is an avid cricket worshipper while I despise cricket and am an ardent football devotee.

“Any cricket matches on nowadays, Dad?”

“None.”

“You know, that’s the good thing about following football. There’s always something on to watch.”

“I really don’t understand why you get a kick out of watching lots of men in shorts running around in a field.”

Silence.

“You can forget about the T.V. tonight. I’m going to watch the Under 20 football World Cup.”

“Under 20? You mean they can’t score more than 20 goals a game?”

“Ha ha ha, Dad.”

The Man in an iron (mask?)

2007-07-04T14:19:00.000+05:30

King Louis XIV: Jailor, I’m the King Louis XIV and I wish to see the prisoner.
Jailor: Welcome, my liege. According to your wishes I’ve kept the prisoner locked in the deepest, darkest dungeon of the Bastille.
King Louis XIV: Well done, jailor. I hope you’d received my letter saying that this prisoner’s identity was to be kept secret by putting his face in an iron mask.
Jailor (after a long pause): What!?
King Louis XIV: It was my wish that the prisoner’s face be encased in an iron mask.
Jailor: Ah! An iron mask, you say…
(The jailor opens the prison doors)
King Louis XIV (shrieking): Aaaah! What have you done?
Jailor (regaining his composure): Well, your majesty, when I received the letter its bottom had been torn off. So it read that the prisoner’s face should be encased in (brief pause) an iron.
King Louis XIV (with disbelief): So you put this man’s head in an iron?
Jailor: Well, your majesty, the request did seem a bit odd to me at that time so I did try a number of alternatives such as a pressure cooker, a toaster and then one of those sandwich-makers. But seriously, my lord, the iron gave him a much better appearance than the others.
King Louis XIV: But an iron mask is supposed to represent oppression and terror. But this man with an iron on his head just looks like one of those teletubbies.
Jailor: But, your majesty, the iron does serve the purpose. It is cumbersome so the prisoner suffers from discomfort, he can take out the creases on his clothes with ease and if someone comes in to rescue the prisoner, he’ll just think that he’s stumbled into the laundry room by mistake.
King Louis XIV (relieved): Very well, jailor. You have served France well. You shall be recommended for an award.
Jailor (bowing): Thank you, your majesty
King Louis XIV: Now we shall move on to the next prisoner.
Jailor (after a pause): Ah! That’s another torn letter, your majesty. And I don’t think you’re going to be quite so keen on this one.

Store Wars.

2007-07-02T20:53:00.001+05:30

Guys and gals and all the extra-terrestrials out there, you gotta gotta see this:

Warning: For full enjoyment, you should have seen Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope previously

Warehouse Woes

2007-07-02T10:17:00.000+05:30

Industrialist: “Hello there, Gary. Welcome to our new warehouse.”
Shareholder Gary: “Thank you, Mr. Hayward.” (looking at the warehouse with awe) “Wow! This one’s really huge.”
Industrialist: “Oh yes! It’s pretty big alright.”
Shareholder: “What size is it?”
Industrialist: “Have you ever been in a double-decker bus, Gary?”
Shareholder: “Just once. Why?”
Industrialist: “Because in this warehouse, you could fit 847 double-decker buses.”
Shareholder (thinks for a moment): “But can’t you tell me the dimensions in metres?”
Industrialist: “Oh no, Gary. Metre is passé. No one really uses it anymore.”
Shareholder: “But it is convenient!”
Industrialist: “Convenient? The metric system was invented by the French to confuse and take over the world, Gary.”
Shareholder: “Oh really?”
Industrialist: “Yes, Gary. Nowadays we use a measuring system which is easier to understand. The units used are ‘the double-decker buses’, ‘the size of a football field’, ‘the area the size of Wales’ and what we call, ‘to the moon and back’.”
Shareholder: “Oh, I see.”
Industrialist: “So, do you play football, Gary?”
Shareholder: “A bit, yes.”
Industrialist: “Well then, can you imagine 38 and a half football fields side by side?”
Shareholder (after a longish pause): “No, not really.”
Industrialist: “Okay, can you imagine a football field, a big one, the size of this warehouse?”
Shareholder (brightening up): “Yeah, that I can.”
Industrialist: “Well, that’s the kind of size we’re talking about for this warehouse.”
Shareholder: “I see. Now, can you show me the figures, Mr. Hayward?”
Industrialist: “Figures? What figures?”
Shareholder: “The annual turnover of your industry, the sales and other such figures.”
Industrialist: “Oh! Those! Well, I won’t be showing you figures…”
Shareholder (cutting in): “No, but surely as a shareholder of your industry…”
Industrialist (cutting in): “No no no…”
Shareholder (cutting in): “But it’s it in the rules that…”
Industrialist (cutting in): “No, Gary, you’re not listening to me. You’re just hearing the words I’m saying.”
Shareholder (flummoxed): “What?”
Industrialist: “See! That’s what I meant. I’m not going to show you the figures. I’m going to show you a figure.”
Shareholder (curious): “A figure?”
Industrialist: “Yes, a figure. I put in our annual turnover against our yearly expenditure and you know what figure cropped out, Gary?”
Shareholder: “No, what?”
Industrialist (showing a piece of paper): “This.”
Shareholder (surprised): “Seven!”
Industrialist (calmly): “Seven.”
Shareholder: “Exactly Seven!”
Industrialist: “Precise to the nearest significant digit.”
Shareholder: “But what does it mean?”
Industrialist: “I couldn’t tell you, Gary. But last year, it was six. So we must be doing something right.”

Of helmets

2007-07-01T11:26:00.000+05:30

Helmets are one of the greatest inventions to be taken for granted. I mean, helmets are very important for humans’ safety. It helps in keeping our skull intact and not allowing our brains to splatter around when in an accident. And a helmet also has various other uses viz. a weapon, to hide identity, a bowl when upside down and as a rat/hamster storage and transport facility. And also, it’s used to show off, especially when the bike rider doesn’t have a face that would launch even two scraggy boats.

But here’s a thought: Why do we wear helmets while sky-diving? I mean, can we kind-of make it? If that parachute doesn’t open, will wearing a helmet be the difference between life and death? When that happens, the helmet’s now wearing you for protection.

If I were asked to give a proof that would doubt the human race’s intelligence, it would definitely be the helmet. Let me explain why. Why do you think the helmet was invented? Because we were involved in various activities that were cracking our heads. And we wanted a solution for this. Now, the obvious solution would have been to discontinue the head-cracking activities. But no, we invent a helmet to protect the brain. A brain which is so stupid that it’s not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it’s in. Now, what kind of logic is that?

Logic System

2007-07-01T11:23:00.000+05:30

We have bought a new car. A Chevrolet Lumina ’07 model. Now, this car runs on a built-in software. Apart from petrol, that is. The software is called LS. Short for “Logic System”. And since I’m interested in software, I was interested in LS too. But the more I came to know about its functionality, the more I found that it could be improved upon. But my dad obviously thinks it’s flawless.

“I hate this software. It won’t let me open the door myself. You can’t open any doors unless the gear is on Parking.”
“Yes, it’s good. It’s for our safety.”
“Safety? How does this keep us safe?”
“A door will never be opened if the car is in motion. That’s safe.”
“Yes, but what about when the car overturns or something (touchwood) and we can’t get to the gear? Who opens the door then?”
“There must be some provision in the software.”
“And these windows… they roll down completely when I give the down button a simple push but I have to keep pressing the up button to get them to close completely. What if I want to keep my window half-open? I have to open it completely and then close them up to the level I want. That’s just stupid.”
“Why would you want to keep windows half-open anyway?”
“The software sucks, Dad.”
“No, it doesn’t. It’s LS. Logic System. Totally logical.”
“Yes, I agree its LS. Lacking Sensibility.”

A love ballad

2007-06-27T10:19:00.000+05:30

Once there was a young carpenter,
In the village of Ardew.
And he loved the cobbler’s daughter,
And her love for him was true.

He proposed her to get married,
For the joy that it would bring.
But he didn’t have enough money,
To buy a wedding ring,

So he stole from the goldsmith,
And no matter how hard he tried.
In that small, tiny village,
He had no place to hide.

Oh, they caught him, the three constables,
And they nailed a poster to the fence.
For to warn all other people,
That it was a great offence.

He told them of his love,
But the jury didn’t sing.
And the judge was too harsh,
And condemned him to swing.

There’s a moral to this story,
That though your love be very pure.
Don’t go stealing other’s money,
For it is against the law.

Tattoo-ine

2007-06-26T09:58:00.001+05:30

Last night, I walked into the TV room. My dad was reading a newspaper. I came up to him and said,

“I want a tattoo, Dad.”

Silence. Dad doesn’t even look up from the newspaper.

“I said, I want to get tattooed!”
“No. You’ll do nothing of the sort.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s painful. And permanent, too.”
“But they’re so cool!”
“And not to mention, ugly.”
“You’re wrong, Dad. Tattoos are beautiful. They’re art.”
“Son, by the time you realise I'm right, you’ll have a child who thinks you’re wrong.”

I take a few seconds to digest this and then walk out of the room leaving Dad with the newspaper.

And I’m going to get that bloody tattoo anyway. Any suggestions for the design, lads and ladies?

My Star Wars Horoscope

2007-06-25T20:37:00.000+05:30

I took this quiz and this is what I got:

Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius

You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely.
You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly.
And your philosophical side always peeks through.

Star wars character you are most like: Yoda

"When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not!" - Yoda, Return of the Jedi

How to write a blog entry?

2007-06-25T10:38:00.000+05:30

At this moment, there must be tens of thousands of blogs teeming everywhere in the cyberspace. But the most important element of a blog is, well, a blog entry. If you don’t write blog entries, your blog won’t grow. And also, it’s a major question in every blogger’s mind as to what to post next. Well, leave all that to me. Today, I’m going to give a few tips and tricks on how to write a blog entry.

It’s obviously better if the post is interesting, but then it doesn’t necessarily has to be. I mean, you can even post something you think people won’t like. The internet has such a large readership, that there is definitely at least one person who’ll be interested in what you’ve written. E.g.: Writing about how you got your tonsils removed isn’t something one would like to read about; but that’s no reason as to why you cannot write about it.
If you can’t come up with new stuff, just put up something you might have written earlier somewhere else. Or, if your blog is already 7-8 months old and has a lot of posts, you can recycle your posts i.e. repost something you had posted in the early stages of the blog. A lot of people don’t go through the archives so it’ll be new to those who started reading your blog after some time.
You can also post your inner thoughts. Some people love to read that kind of stuff. Gossip, you know.
If you browse the web a lot and stumble upon some interesting site, you can post the link to that site along with a few words about it to generate interest.
You can also mention some interesting conversation you might have had with someone. Sometimes, they are really funny things to share with people. Again, gossip.
If you don’t feel like typing, never mind. Post photos. Who doesn’t like to see photos?
You can also write a movie or a book review. They’re quite easy to write and are interesting to read too.
And the best option, obviously, is to let the blog be. Who cares, anyway?

Therapy session

2007-06-24T21:19:00.000+05:30

I was quite eager and bored and not to mention insane last year (well, things haven't changed much this year too) and I decided to provide solutions to people's problems. You know, the normal shrink stuff which you see as columns in the newspapers and magazines. Well, I had my stint as one and well, it didn't really work out as well as I would have wished it too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Poochie,

I take great pains to inform you that at present I am in great distress arising out of some extra-terrestrial being on whose head resides a a strange dead cat.
This miserable creature has gone to great lengths to sabotage any intelligent posting in my community, by replying to all scraps with a comment in some unitelligible language, which is something like this: hehehehe

I have tried most courses of actions but to no avail: Reason meets with insanity, threats of bodily harm are jeered at, and mockery has no effect whatsoever.

Please suggest some evasive measures, O Resident and Wise Therapist.

Signed,
Yours truly

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Yours Truly,

I am deeply perturbed with your distress and I commend you on your ability to hold on for such a long time. To ease your pain slightly, I would like to tell you that you are not the only one who has such pest problems (in your case, 'pest' denotes an extra-terrestrial being who wears a strange dead cat for a hat) and in fact, there are quite a few communities which have been plagued by such 'pests' which get involved in some of the choicest of disruptional activities (in your case, the activities being replying to all scraps with a comment in some unitelligible language) and thus hamper the normal functioning of the community.

Although the techniques you have used (mockery, physical threats and logical reasoning) have been proven to be successful, they are grossly outdated considering the advancement in modern times. Therefore, I'm suggesting a few modern techniques guaranteed to solve your problem:

1) Tell the subject some of the best of the illogical PJs ever known to mankind and animal kind alike. This procedure will first instill a sense of proximity to insanity in the subject's mind which on continued exposure to the stream of PJs will make him stark, raving mad and hence turn him phobic to the company of the person supplying the constant stream of PJs. Although this method is very effective, one needs a lot of patience and self-immunity to the PJs to execute it.

2) Another plan of action that could be taken up is to blatantly ignore the subject and give no response whatsoever to any of his menagerie of maniacal actions. This will cause the subject to initially get frustrated, then angry but finally go into despair and rejection and not trouble you ever again. Although a very old technique, its highly effective and I wonder how you haven't tried it yet.

3) The ultimate solution would of course be to show a gun to his face. Strangely, being on the wrong end of a gun is the biggest motivator of all times.

I hope this will solve your problems.

Yours in service,
Poochie

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aah well, that sucked!

Genetically

2007-06-24T10:52:00.000+05:30

My dad walks in my room while I’m talking to someone on the phone. I keep down the phone after 15-20 seconds.

“Who were you talking to?”
“No one in particular.”
“It was a girl, right?”

Silence.

“How did you guess?”
“You had that smug grin on your face”

Longer silence.

“So when are you getting a girlfriend, son?”
“I don’t know, Dad. I would rather court multiple women than a single one.”
“And what’s going to happen when you marry?”
“I’m not that jobless to give such trifle matter any thought.”
“You’ll have to eventually.”

Silence.

“So, how do you like your job?”
“I don’t like it. I want to get over with it ASAP.”
“So will you be taking up the job after you graduate?”
“Do you think I’m an idiot, Dad?”

My dad turned to walk away.

“Yep. It’s all in the genes, son.”

Oh!

Glow in the Dark

2007-06-24T10:50:00.000+05:30

The following conversation took place in a chat room last night. It involves me, another guy and a girl. I’ll denote us as ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’.

A: Star Wars rocks!
B: Yeah, I specially love Darth Vader. He’s my most favourite character of all times.
A: Oh yeah, totally!
C: You know, I had a crush on Darth Vader. That black helmet, the voice, and all that leather. *swoons*
B: Too bad his body parts were burned away.
C: Huh?
B: Do you think that Darth Sidious also attached the body part while mechanizing him?
A: I doubt it. But now I know why DV made his own lightsabers *winks*
B: Oh yeah! Even my girl says that “glow in the dark” are her favourite variety. *winks back*
C: LOL! You perverts.

Postman Pete

2007-06-19T13:05:00.000+05:30

It was a bright, cheery morning. The Sun was shining in the sky and the birds were chirping heartily in the trees. In the farm nearby, Farmer Jones was showing Ms. McHartley his equipment. But that’s not the story we’re concerned with right now. We’re here to talk about Postman Pete. There he is driving his blue car into the cheery little town. His road tax was way out of date and his tyres were as bald as Rev. Tom’s head. He carefully avoided the doughnut shop, so as not to run into constable Pickles. Up on the road, he noticed Mrs. Whittle riding on a bicycle.

“Good morning, Pete,” said Mrs. Whittle and gave him a cheery wave.
“Get off the road, you soppy cow,” replied Pete swerving his car to the right and forcing Mrs. Whittle into a ditch.

And on he drove until he reached Granny Wizen’s house. He rammed the car into the fence and applied the brakes.

“What a stupid place to put a gate-post,” thought Pete.

He went up the door path and knocked three times on the door. Granny Wizen opened the door herself.

“Hello, Pete,” said Granny Wizen cheerily, “Would you like to come in for some milk and gingerbread men?”
“What on earth would I want to do that for?” replied Pete. “You’re a lousy baker and your house smells like something has crawled in there and died. Anyhow,” continued Pete, “you’re such a senile old baggage that you’ve probably forgotten what you’ve invited me in for in the first place.”
“Hahahahahaha,” laughed Granny Wizen heartily, because her hearing aid batteries had run flat.
“Anyhow, I got this parcel of glassware for you,” informed Pete, throwing down the parcel on the nearby table with an audible crunch. “I wonder what moron put a sticker saying ‘Fragile’ on it.”
"So where is your black and white cat, Joss, these days?" asked Granny Wizen.
"I ran over him two days ago," said Pete, "but now he is more useful as a doormat than he ever was before."

From inside the house came Fred to the door.

“Hello Pete,” said Fred.
“Hello Fred,” said Pete.
“Say, Pete, have you been my $300 postal order yet?” inquired Fred.
“I’m afraid not,” said Pete, “But that’s the post office for you.”
“But this is the fifth time this month,” exclaimed Fred, “And this happened last month too”
“Tough luck!” consoled Pete.
“You know, Pete, I’ve often wondered how a man like you on a postman’s salary can afford a two bedroom apartment and a swimming pool,” said Fred.
“Your guess is as good as mine, Fred,” said Pete, adding, “You know what, Granny, I think I’ll have a few of your cookies now.”

Granny Wizen smiled and shut the door into his face. Pete sighed, chucked a brick through her window and went back to his car singing his cheery song:

I’m Postman Pete and I carry the posts
To people’s houses everyday.
Unless I feel a bit fed up,
And then I chuck the lot away.

One day I got a post, clearly marked:
“Important post, Do not bend!”
I wrote across it, “Yes, they do.”
And just to prove it fold it then.

My name is Pete, I’m postman Pete,
And I visit the ladies down the lane.
And when they call I never fail,
I really am a first-class male.

Kid's guidelines to a healthier living.

2007-06-16T15:13:00.000+05:30

Leisure time is something, other than the pool, that I’ve been swimming freely in for the past few days. And what one does during his or her leisure time is of the least consequence to me. Unless, that is, I were curious to know about the person’s hobbies and all that sort of a thing. Anyhow, I, for one, have taken to forming deep, thoughtful thoughts and turning them over and over, thoughtfully that too, to see if they were ripe enough. You see, I’d recently read an article on how the children are the future of a country. And as far as what I’ve seen of the Indian kids, those little blighters, and consequently, our future, didn’t seem so bright. So, what with being a responsible Indian and all, I’ve dedicated my intelligence into specifying some guidelines on various topics, ranging from education to sports, which if the kids follow, will enable 95.4% of them to live a safe and healthy life which is exactly what is needed to safeguard the Indian future. There is always a 4.6% chance, of course, that some kids will be so stupid as to read the guidelines and still not follow them to contribute to a bright future. And, frankly, I couldn’t care less.

On Education: Education is something every kid should have. Schools and other such institutions, which brag about imparting quality education, are a necessary part of every human being’s life. Because only through them we get a practice of heaving huge weights on the shoulders. This makes sure that when the kid grows up; his back is not broken due to the huge responsibilities he’ll be taking up. Also, the bullies help mould a child’s character. It teaches him how to deal with the government later on in the life. Also, we can learn a lot by watching other people commit mistakes. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. So, the bottom-line is: Do not say no to school. Become a bully and have fun.
On Sports: After learning, which stimulated the mind, we need to delve on sports, which stimulate the body. Having a strong body is also necessary. Wrestling, as a sport, should be taken up. It comes of immense help during riots and demonstrations. Also it’s a great service to put others in the hospitals and give your contribution towards helping to reduce the population. Football is another sport I recommend, if only to learn how to kick other people’s shins and balls while keeping yours safe. Enormously helpful, you know, if you join the parliament later on.
On drugs: Drugs are bad. Real bad. Well, that is, unless you’re the seller. In which case, it helps you make a lot of money and lead a rich, quality life. So, if you ever meet a drug peddler trying to trick you into buying the white stuff, use the skills you must have honed on the sports field on him. And sell the stuff yourself.
On the internet: Internet is a very good thing. The greatest thing since bread came sliced, as some would say. Or digital watches, as Douglas Adams would prefer. It’s a storehouse of knowledge and entertainment. But it also poses a serious threat to the young, raw minds of the kids. There are lots of predators out there, who get children to tell them their names and address and then do bad nasty things to them. The only cure is to lie shamelessly and avoid the chat rooms and the forums at all costs. Also, tell your parents about everything you do and talk about online. Everything except porn. That’s personal.

I wish I could lecture the kids more about how to lead a wonderful, healthy and safe life but now I have to pop off to meet this really cute girl I met in an online chat room about a month ago. She’s very charming and funny. But I do wonder why she wants to meet me in that abandoned villa. But hey, what the hell!

An evening in Paris

2007-06-13T16:05:00.000+05:30

“Bon soir, monsieur!” said the waiter, “Est ce que,” he continued, “je peux vous servir quelque chose à boire?”
“Eh?” I replied, being unacquainted with the vocabulary of la langue française.
“I mean to ask, monsieur,” said the waiter, translating to help me grasp his intentions, “if oo wood lyke sumzin zoo rink?”
When light finally dawned upon my slow intelligence, I nodded affably, as I did require the soothing effect of the restoratives. And the waiter ambled off to fetch the same.

This was my sojourn into Paris, la ville de l'amour, and, of course, the Eiffel Tower. But there’s something about Paris that always makes me feel fairly devoid of espièglerie and joie de vivre. I think it had something to do with the fact that I don’t like it when people speak in French, which, unfortunately, was, apparently, what Paris was full of. Oui, les gens qui parlent français.

But, now you, the reader, must be thinking as to why should I, having acquired a dislike of la ville de Paris, should go there in the first place. That, mes chers amis, will be revealed, and not quite unlike a mystery novel in which a certain chappie murders one other chappie and another chappie, being the protagonist of the novel, successfully endeavours to put the chappie, which had murdered the other chappie, in the dock, later in the story. So, there I was, after a nice, long walk through the streets of Paris and having drifted to one of the twelve cafés which jostled each other along the street, enjoying some much needed repos.

Waiting for the arrival of the stimulants, which I had previously ordered, I cast a relaxed, cursory glance over the other customers du moment. My roving eye found its destination upon a rather youngish lady, who could have well been the prototype of that particular class of the species which I had alluded to as the YHF in one of my previous posts. A singularly pretty lady. Magnifique is the word to describe her. Nay, un ange de ciel would be a more apt description. And the heavenly powers seem to have been making up for my misfortunes (about which you’ll come to know later).

There are certain moments in life when words are not needed. I looked at her, she looked at me. A perfect understanding linked our two souls.
“?”
“!”
One minute later, I had joined her at the table and had engaged her into a tête-à-tête.
“Bon soir,” she said with obvious pleasure, or so it seemed to me, “Comment allez vous?”
I replied with my most amiable of grins and a 5 second silence.
“Oh, you don’t know French, do you?” she enquired, this time, thankfully, in a language I was well versed in – English.
I shook my head to indicate a negative response.
“I had asked you, ‘How are you?’”
“Oh, I, actually, am lost”
“What do you mean lost?”
“I came out for a walk,” I explained, having found a strange reassurance from the company of a soul who could speak in something other then French. Her being a good example of the class of YHFs, was an added incentive. “And suddenly discovered after a kilometer or two that I didn’t know where on Earth I was. I’ve been wandering around in circles for hours.”
“Why didn’t you ask the way from someone?”
“I can’t speak a word of French.”
“Well, why didn’t you call a taxi?”
“I don’t have a lot of money with me right now.”
“You could have taken a taxi and then paid it when you had reached your hotel.”
“Yes, but I suddenly discovered, dash it, that I’d forgotten its name.”

And there in a nutshell, you have me. As absent-minded and vague a person as ever walked the streets of Paris, or Earth for that matter. Anyhow, we proceeded with our conversation.

“So, what are you doing here in Paris?” she enquired.
“Well,” I said solemnly, “I’ve come here to try and forget.”
“Well, you’ve certainly succeeded.”
“You don’t understand. The fact is, my dear, that my heart is broken. I’ll tell you the whole story.”
“No, I say!” she protested. But I was off.

(to be continued.......)

Demo(n)cracy

2007-06-11T16:06:00.000+05:30

Democracy is a wonderful thing, you know. I mean, what with all the power residing with the public and all. Amazing stuff, I tell you. Everything is decided by majority. And India being the largest democracy in the world, it kinda makes me feel a bit proud to be an Indian. And to top it all, India also embraces other pretty charming virtues what with all the secularism and the Constitutional Freedoms and Rights given to everyone. Pretty good stuff, I tell you. And to add to all this nationalist fervour, we also sing songs about unity in diversity and stuff. You know, lots of people speaking various different lingos and having various customs etc etc living together rather chummily. And obviously I, as an ardent Indian, have to feel it as my foremost duty to maintain the what-do-you-call-it of my country. Oh yeah, the word I was looking for back there was “national integrity”. And hey, who has the guts to stop me from performing my duties with the utmost zeal.

So, one day I was happily chomping upon a delicious burger in the local Mc Donald’s outlet when my superior powers of observation made me notice that the mayonnaise was thickly spread between a layer of fresh tomatoes on the top and a layer of lettuce leaves at the bottom. Seeing this, I turned sick with the grotesque horror of it all. I mean to say that any Indian, when he realizes, that he was, in fact, eating something that bore the likeness of the what’s-it-called, the Tiranga, our national flag, which is the foremost symbol representing our nation’s integrity and all that sort of thing, should feel infuriated with the prospect. Immediately, I gathered a few of my like-minded mates and after stoning the Mc Donald outlet, burning a few effigies and calling a bandh for a few days, decided to take the matters to the court which ordered the Mc Donalds’ to discontinue the use of anything of the colours red, green and white in their burgers. My mates and I were feeling cheerily upped by this decision and what with the fact that we successfully defended the national integrity and all that sort of things. Doing my great country a service, you know.

Anyhow, after watching the terrifying spectacle of the Indian cricket team losing to Bangladesh, it brought about another surge of the nationalistic zeal in me. I mean, cricket is a religion here. And its purity and sanctity had been desecrated by a bunch of losers who dared to call themselves Indian cricketers. And the very notion of losing against a team representing a nation who we helped rescue and build quite a few decades ago is totally appalling. So, I, with a few of my chums, after having stoned the cricketers’ residences, burnt their bats, crushed their balls and stomped on their effigies, came back home feeling pretty happy with myself. You know, like morning sunshine and all that. I mean, we were doing a great favour to our country. Our motherland, if you are into that patriotic kinda stuff and all. Pretty rummy thing, I tell you.

And that’s when I realized that the power really was vested in the public. I mean if we all stood up and united and stoned and burned and made our displeasure known to those concerned, India does take heed. And what with my photos having made to all the front pages and the news channels. Why, that interviewer chick from that what-was-it news channel looked pretty hot, eh? Anyhow, I would have written more about my nationalist feelings but I’ve just seen the disgraceful Happydent advert. I mean, it’s a shame to portray human beings as lamps, you know. What with all the serfdom and the right to human rights stuff. Blatant slavery, I tell you. Maybe I’ll see you after I’ve stoned the residences of the creator of that advert and burnt their effigies. Because, frankly, if that isn’t the proper use of the Freedom of Expression, then I don’t know what is.

Daffy-nitions

2007-06-11T12:12:00.000+05:30

I was getting too bored during my internship. And out of sheer lack of activity, I decided to browse a dictionary in order to enhance my vocabulary. Mid-browse, I hit upon the idea to create my own dictionary with another (and more logical) meaning for already established words (or words that should have been, but are not, included in a dictionary). The following is the result of my efforts over 6 and a half hours…

Pro-rogue: A professional thief.
Thermo-couple: A couple who have "heated" arguments everyday.
Hipocris(p)y: A Hippo-potato-mus chips.
Sight-seeing: Web browsing
Web-site: A perfect place for a spider to live.
Butter-fly: This is when you throw butter out of the window.
Splint: To run very fast with a broken leg.
Casinova: A lover of gambling.
Spectacula(r): A short-sighted vampire.
Shellfish : A bit like a shelf.
Tad-pole : a quarter Polish.
Windsurfing : The hobby of Superman.
Cardiogram : A telegram to one's heart.
Banshee : Strictly for males.
Karaoke : A combat system popularly used to harm and even kill unsuspecting songs.
Deter-gents : Chemicals that "washes out" the males.
Postgraduate : Degree holder working in the mailing business.
Barbe(r)cue : The long line outside the barber's shop.
Robinson : When your male child begins to steal.
Airplay : Quidditch.
Microphone : A telecommunication device for bacteria.
Retreat : When you go back for a second helping of dessert!
Hum-bug : A tune that is bugging you!
espouse: Electronic spouse!
ex-am : My former self
Hydro-gen : The water generation
Alienate : To send into outer space.
Algorithm : The music of calculation.
Miss-ile : A destructive unmarried woman.
Con-found : When you have located a criminal.
De-sire : When you have lost your leader.
Pop-corn : Daddy corn.
Con-ference : A discussion of prisoners.
Lavatory : A contraption to contain magma.
In-car-nation : The country where everyone stays in their vehicles.
Con-traction : Friction between various inmates.
De-feat : A person whose legs have beem amputated.
Ex-act : A deleted scene from a play.
De-light : Dark.
Cuff-links : A chain of coughs. (You know, one guy coughs, then another guy, then another and so on..)

Much ado about nothing

2007-05-30T19:09:00.000+05:30

I would have never believed myself to be sitting right here wasting my precious time (yeah, right!) to write something just for the sake of it. And yeah, this one should come with a statuary warning: "Read only if you've free time and are not prone to insanity!" I've read somewhere that writing is really a therapy and helps you to relax and release the stress that you might have been holding up in your inside.

So I thought, why not? I'll do some more typing (it does hurt the fingers by the way) and try to relax. But on the other hand, its quite un-relaxing. When you've got nothing to write but still want to write, you have to apply a lot of pressure on the much ill-used brain. I'm precisely doing that at the moment. But these grey cells of mine which have been in the dormant state for a long time, seem to prefer that state and rebel against any stimulation.

My friend says that this is like writing an essay. But I disagree. In an essay, you know what to write abot and know in which channels to think in. This concentrates the thinking process and in the end you have to eventally get a result and you end up writing something because you've thought of something (or for the fear of losing marks). But writing something with a title as vague as the one I've given it, its very brain straining.

Some people might be wondering that why am I not writing an essay if I'm more comfortable with them. But I say that the literary skills that I possess are not to be wasted on writing horrible essays. In the prose collections I had to read and learn (read mug) in school, I always used to detest the essays and used to curse the writers fluently and wonder why do they write such things. I have a feeling that the writers of those essays specially bribed our textbook-setters to include their essays in our text-books so that we can be forced to read them and then they can happily brag while drinking in some cheap pub that so mjany children have read their respective works.

Now talking about drinking and bragging in some cheap pub, I don't drink in a pub so that's out of question. But what is questionable is the time I spend in writing such worthless pieces of crap that is not even worth reading (I'm glad you even reached till here), so why do I write such stuff? You see, its just to satisfy my sadistic pleasure of knowing that I've wasted some other people's oh-so-precious time by forcing them to go throgh this and given them great mental agony. Now you may ask, that I've wasted my time too and must be in a mental agony too. I agree. But did I tell you that I'm a masochist also?

Talking about masochists, do you like to inflict pain on yourself? Personally I prefer sadism. I mean the pleasure of watching pain be inflicted on others is really satisfying. Its too bad I won't be able to watch your faces as you go through this piece of (f)art, but I hope that my imagination won't boggle.

Talking about boggling imaginations, it quite happens when you're brain-dead (which I hope none of you are). Actually, I don't know what does brain-dead actually mean? I mean, isn't the brain dead when you die too? So why don't we call it simply dead? Or does it mean that the bodies continue to live (zombies!) and function without a brain? But what I think is that brain-dead is the term given to those brains which finally choke, spltter and die after being kept inside liquid biological preservative liquids on the various tables in a biological lab.

Talking about brains, have you ever touched a brain? It feels sort of gooey. But its very soft and nice. I never came close to smell it so I can't tell you about its aroma. Its odd how can a one-and-a-half-kilos weighing little mindless jangle of cells can run your whole body and thought. Isn't it scary to know that what
you think and learn and see and hear and taste and smell and remember is actually done in a little grey object? But if you learn using your brain, why do they call it "learning by heart"? And even when you sleep, the mind doesn't stop working but continues its processes to give you dreams (and/or nightmares). Working continuously without much rest for 70-80 odd years it is quite an efficient machine.

And talking about sleeping, if you aren't already snoring by your monitors, I think I'll end the torture right now.

A day at a Cafe

2007-05-28T21:39:00.001+05:30

Let me describe the scene for you here. It’s a normal café. You know something akin to the Café Coffee Day s in India. Cafés are quite refreshing. The coffees, hot and/or cold, are a welcome relief when you want to take your time out and relax. Another of its plus points is that, you might just find some young, hot female refreshing herself, by having one beverage or another, to shift your heart into 4^th gear which had already begun skipping due to the caffeine entering the circulatory system. And if the Gods are smiling on you, that YHF might not be accompanied by a hunky, body look-alike of Vin Diesel. And if Lady Luck’s really doing overtime, why, you might even find a bunch of giggling YHFs to make the hot coffee cold or vice versa. So, there’s a guy in one such café and he’s in quite a hurry. So a waitress comes to take his order and…

Waitress: Welcome to Café coffee Catch-up. What is your choice for today? Classic, Mocha or Latte?

Guy: Classic, please.

Waitress: Regular, decaf or filtered?

Guy: Regular.

Waitress: With milk or without milk?

Guy: With milk, please.

Waitress: Normal, Skimmed or Low-fat?

Guy: Huh? Oh, skimmed.

Waitress: Paper, Recyclable or foam?

Guy: What?

Waitress: The coffee cup! You have to choose the type of coffee cup.

Guy: Oh okay, recyclable then.

Waitress: With cream on top or froth on top?

Guy: Uh… cream on top.

Waitress: Sprinkles?

Guy (now a bit flustered): I don’t want any.

Waitress: You’ve got to…

Guy (irritably): Oh, yes then. Look, I’m in a real hurry so just get me my order real quick, okay?

Waitress: Mild, medium or frightful?

Guy: Mild, medium or frightful what?

Waitress: Your type of hurry… is it mild, medium of frightful?

Guy (now angry): WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS?

Waitress: I’ll put it down as “frightful”.

Guy: LOOK!!! (Takes a deep breath and relaxes himself) Look, I just want a regular coffee with milk with no bloody sprinkles on top or I’ll smack you one.

Waitress: Ooooh… Fist, open palm or Knuckle duster?

(There is a sound which the comics describe as “WHAM”)

Waitress (with a stuff upper lip): Thank you for your order… And oh, I forgot, there’s a special promotion so if you answer this riddle, you’ll have what you ordered for free… “What is black and blue and red all over?”

Guy (with extreme deliberate patience): That would be you if you don’t get my order… PRONTO!

Waitress: …. Right…. Away…. Sir!

Education vs Sex

2007-05-21T16:45:00.000+05:30

Oh well, today I took the last exam of the finals of the 3^rd Year and now here I am totally jobless. Well, not exactly since I’ve got a lot of work to do like packing my whole room into a single trunk (which is almost magic… talking about magic, you should watch “The Prestige”, it’s a brilliant movie) but I’m not doing anything of my own choosing. Anyhow, I kinda digressed from the topic. So, as most of the regular reader’s of my “about me”s (which, by the way, are never about me) would know, when I’m forced to study, I get philosophical. But this time it was different. I actually wanted to study for once and I tried to find the advantages so that I’ll be motivated to study. But somehow, all I could compare it to was sex. Bloody Pervert! My findings on the USPs of education (referred to as “it”) over sex are as follows:

You can do it with members of the either gender and no one will raise an eyebrow.
If your parents walk in while you’re doing it with someone, no one gets embarrassed.
It’s not a crime to force someone to do it with you.
Most of it is done before marriage. That means, we have more experience in it by the time we are married.
And it’s okay to do it alone. In fact most prefer to do it that way (me included).
If you don’t do it, its nothing bad. You’re simply called “cool”.
Its not awkward to ask a member of the opposite gender to do it with you.

Well, after all this, I realised I was motivated enough to study and study I did. Oh, and please, don’t ask how my exams were.

Exams are just like one night stands: You do it and then you forget all about it. The sad thing is that you don’t enjoy exams while you’re doing it. Dammit!

SMS Tales

2007-05-16T15:10:00.000+05:30

Everybody knows (or should know) how, when the exams are up close (and not to mention, personal), the students subconsciously develop an anomaly in their nervous system and do things they wouldn’t do if there were no exams (“studying” comes to mind as a good example). Anyhow, there I was, with just 3 days to go for the 2^nd TS and my brain, for the lack of a better word, began boggling. So, this time I, pretty much subconsciously, mind you, came up with the following question:

‘Do you think that I have the capabilities to be a sex bomb? You know like a suicide bomber in a red light area?’

and I typed it on my cell and messaged it to quite a few people in my contact list. And the responses I got were… well… you read and decide (I have taken up the liberty to change the messages so as to make them, grammatically and linguistically correct. And you cannot do anything about it because any message sent to me becomes my property thenceforth):

KJ: ‘Have you hurt your head or are you studying too much? What kind of a question was that? But if you still want an answer, disappointing as it might sound, it is NO.’

AN: ‘You can become one, no doubt. But I don’t think that you can be categorised as a sex bomb. I mean, at present. You lie in the category of “cute kids”’

MG: ‘You are capable of “blowing” away the competition as far as cracking deadly jokes in a red light area goes, but if you’re talking about blow jobs of a different kind, then I frankly cannot comment on that.’

MK: ‘What the fuck, man? Since when did you start spamming mobile phones?’

AA: ‘Since the first quality to be considered to be a sex bomb is “attractiveness”, I will have to say NO in your case.’

VM: ‘Bloody hell, you wake me up for this?’

RS: ‘You’re totally insane, you know? Go study or the only thing being bombed will be your grades.’

RK: ‘You know, I would have replied to you but I’m in a lecture and my prof says that I’m not supposed to use cell phones during one. You do believe me, right?’

And the only consensus I was able to deduce from it was: “With friends such as these, who needs enemies?”

Life's Philo

2007-05-16T14:56:00.000+05:30

There are times when I get down to some real philosophical thinking. These are times when I, having nothing better to do, find it quite amusing, and not to mention quite intelectually stimulating, to wonder about the systems of life, living, the Solar system, the drainage system etc, and not necessarily in that order. And then, a few of you would know my deep and profound love for philosophy, given the fact that I withdrew from the elective after a couple of days of attending the course.

To begin with, you will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

Now, come to think about it, life, too, is a pretty strange and complex thing in itself. It is so far beyond anything we have any means of understanding that we just think of it as a different class of object, a different class of matter. That life was "God given", was the only explanation we had for a long time. The bombshell comes in 1859 when Darwin publishes 'On the Origin of Species'. It takes a long time before we really get to grips with this and begin to understand it, because not only does it seem incredible and thoroughly demeaning to us, but it's yet another shock to our system to discover that not only are we not the centre of the Universe and we're not made of anything, but we started out as some kind of slime and got to where we are via being a monkey. It just doesn't read well. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

The world is a thing of utter inordinate complexity and richness and strangeness that is absolutely awesome. I mean the idea that such complexity can arise not only out of such simplicity, but probably absolutely out of nothing, is the most fabulous extraordinary idea. And once you get some kind of inkling of how that might have happened, it's just wonderful. And . . . the opportunity to spend 70 or 80 years of your life in such a universe is time well spent as far as I am concerned.

Train Travails

2007-05-16T14:52:00.000+05:30

When I was in Germany, travelling on a train from Munich to Koln, I happened to be accompanied by a certain person I didn't know of from previously. In other words, the man was a complete stranger, and thus, obviously, unbeknown to me. It was an early morning.

Not as early as the one when the birds come out to get their respective worms but early enough to still notice that the garbage collectors had done their job, and done it well. And, so, I was not in a very conversational mood, being inclined to increase the distance between the two jaws at every second second. And as he, too, seemed disinclined for chit-chat, we sat for some moments like a couple of Trappist monks who have run into each other at the dog races.

But devoid of anything interesting to occupy my mind with, I decided to initiate a thorough observation of the subject in consideration and then, maybe later, if I could, check the correctness of my results by engaging the subject in conversation. His face was, well, to say the least, hairy. Actually, I think it would be more appropriate if I said that where his face should have been, there was only a narrow, brownish, rectangular strip which seemed to form his forehead. And since the rest of the face was covered in dense, brown shrubbery that shrouded the rest of the features, that should have been noticeable, from afar the person would, rather, have looked like an airstrip in the middle of a forest.

And at this moment, while I was still deeply engaged in silent observation the forestry, which had hitherto not spoken, said, "Guten Taag!" It was a harsh, rasping voice, in its timbre not unlike a sawmill. Anyhow, knowing about as much German as is enough to insult a person, I figured the subject had finally decided to display his social skills with a greeting. And I, civil as I am, replied with quite a cheery "Hello". And just at this conjunction in time, the food trolley chose to appear. Feeling quite nibbly, I ordered a sandwich while my companion went for a cake. Choosing not to deprive myself of the chance to make some, hopefully, insightful conversation, I cheekily commented about the weather and, thus, managed to start it off, but, in English, of course.

He was not a man who prattled readily, especially in a foreign tongue. He gave the impression that each word was excavated from his interior by some up-to-date process of mining. And our conversation was not as smooth as I would have liked it to be, since my companion chose, from time-to-time, to steer the cake through the forest into the black pit that was his mouth and the mining machinery, once stopped, took quite some time to gear itself into action again.

Our conversation, though long in duration, was very short when measured with the number of words spoken. He, having an English vocabulary of a German dictionary, and I, having trouble hearing the words that reached my audal sensory organs after having been passed though the filter that was the overgrowth, had what one would call an almost, but not entirely, pointless conversation. All I can mention, if you would want to know, at this point, is that the sandwich was delicious and what I did after, in Koln, is another story.

Introduction

2007-05-15T20:40:00.000+05:30

I have previously created three blogs and then proceeded forward to delete all of them on a verge of impulsive decisions. But being egged on by various individuals and the onsetting of boredom (which should arrive by the time I start my intern), I decided to give the whole blogging experience another shot, which now means it has four bullet decals. So to all the readers, welcome to my blog and I hope you enjoy the experience. And in case you don't like it, it will be my sadistic pleasure. So its either your pleasure or mine. Muahahahahaha...