Funny Aussies!

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Revenge stinks!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I Like Monkeys

Found it somewhere. Thought it was funny.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked fora while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Did You Know? (Part 2)

In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment and a man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 P.M. (Imagine if the man has a broken toilet seat!)

In Israel, picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden. (Aww... shucks!)

In California, USA it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. (Wonder what the animal right activists would say to that.)

In the city of Blythe, California, a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. (Free! Free! Free! Buy two cows and get a pair of cowboy boots absolutely free! Hurry! Offer till stocks last!)

In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. (Talk about having the last drink.)

In the city of York, England it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. (Aah! But only...)

In the Mohave County of Arizona, anyone caught stealing a soap, must wash himself with it, until it’s all used up. (That’ll make sure that the guy never uses soap again.)

In Angeles, California, if robbing a bank, shooting at the teller with a water gun is prohibited. (But water's cheaper than bullets!)

In Australia, it is illegal to dress up as batman. (Now that’s a big let down for all comic book fans. Hopefully dressing up as Superman is legal.)

In Israel, if you have been maintaining an illegal radio station for five or more years, the station becomes legal. (And until then? Can we operate from the basement?)

In Arkansas, a man has a legal right to beat his wife, but only once a month. (So what’s the legal right of the wife, the rest of the 29 days?)

In Los Angeles, California you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. (And what about saving the water?)

In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed. (So don't forget to carry your marriage certificate with you.)

In Boston,Massachusetts it is Illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. (Obviously!)

Dear Diary...

Writing a diary is supposed to enhance one's literary skills and will help in recollection if you look back at it many years later. Or so I had read it somewhere many years ago. After which I decided that I'll start keeping a diary from the coming new year onwards. Which I did. And I don't really know if it really helped in enhance my literary skills or now but let me tell you, it does provide a hell lot of recollection and not to mention a good, hearty laugh which rather helps in getting my circulation system a bit more enthusiastic about it's job. Here are the diary entries, verbatim (barring the grammatical mistakes which I'm too embarrassed to leave uncorrected).

January 1, 1999
Hi! I'm going to be writing in this diary everyday about my life and what goes on in it. I should hope that it'll be fun. I'll share everything in it. So, to start with, I'd a wonderful New Year's Party. The food was wonderful. We played Cluedo and then Monopoly. I didn't win but it was fun. But now, I'm going to sleep.

January 2, 1999
My vacations end today. I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. But life! Didn't do much today. Played on the computer and watched TV. Boring.

January 3, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened. Boring.

January 4, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.

January 5, 1999
Went to school. Nothing interesting happened.

January 6, 1999
Went to school. Weekend tomorrow at last.

January 7, 1999
Weekend's fun. Did nothing though.

January 19, 1999
Oh sorry, I'd forgotten that I'd to write in the diary. Nothing interesting happened, though. Went to school. I'll be regular from tomorrow.

January 20, 1999
School was boring. Life's boring.

February 12, 1999
Sorry, I forgot all about this diary again. I'll be regular from now on.


And that was the last entry for the year. The rest of the diary was used for rough work and recording poems and story ideas. Stupid things though, the diaries.

Driving in India

An article by Coen Jeukens, a Dutchman, who spent two years in Bangalore, India.

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

A Brand New Refreshment!

Yes, cool rhyme and all that. But what about the thirsty vegetarians?!

10 things I would like to do before I die.

1. Make a stupid list.
2. Attend the Milan derby at San Siro.
3. Go on a World Tour.
4. Write a totally ripped-off book. Something like Harry Potter, for instance.
5. See Opeth and/or Anathema in Live Concert.
6. See India play in the football World Cup.
7. See the Earth from Outer Space.
8. Invent something totally useless.
9. Get a patent on the above-mentioned useless invention.
10. Get a life.
    

This is what GRE does to you

Received this in an e-mail. Pretty cool.

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

Terrorist Fan Mail

Dear Terrorists,

I know that you guys are, like, always on the move and all, so this letter might not get to you. But if it does, I would like to tell you that I’m like a big fan of yours and the stuff that you guys do. You know, ever since I saw you guys crashing the plane into the WTC on 9/11, I really thought that you guys were so cool. You know, like fearless and all. That kind of stuff totally kicks me up, you know. So, like, since then, I wanted to become a terrorist when I grew up. I’ve been practicing being one on this game called CS. Have you guys like ever played that? You know, you should, I’m damn sure you’ll, like, totally enjoy the game and all. And I’m a pretty decent shot with an AK-47, you see.

Now to the serious stuff, you guys. I know you guys don’t really take criticism badly, so, I thought that I could like tell you guys something that’s been on my mind lately, you know. It’s like, I know you guys are after the government of various countries and all, but, you know, it’s like a totally stupid thing to blow up normal people to show your hate. Because, it’s like, the normal people don’t really like their government either, you know. They all totally hate the people who lead them. So, you know, by blowing them up, you’re only killing your supporters and all. And besides, the worst thing you could actually do to the normal people is to let them continue their totally miserable lives. Do you know how hard it is to get a decent job nowadays? Do you guys know how hard it is for a normal person to feed himself and his family, if any? Do you guys, like, have any idea how difficult it is to live in this world filled with corrupt police and politicians and all? So, you know, it’s better if you guys could just leave the normal people alone and not blow them up like you do all the time.

I really hope that you guys would, like, think about what I told you and all and, like, decide on your targets again. And also, since, you know, that Christmas is like just around the corner and all, could you guys, like, get Mr. Bin Laden (Can I call him “The Big Oz”, by the way?) to come over to my place and gift me an AK-47? You know, it would be really awesomely cool to terrorise my neighbourhood and all. And teach all the bullies why not to mess with me and all. I would really like to become the Friendly Neighbourhood Terrorist, you know. Would it be, like, cool if I call myself the Spandexman?

Your biggest fan,
Me

Lord of the rings: Really, Really Short Version

This one is totally off the rocker. While my versions would only make one smile, this one made me laugh out loud. Take a look at it yourself: Lord of the rings: Really, Really Short Version

In the words of the person who sent me this: "You have to admit, it beats all the other versions". And so it does :D

Did you know?

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT difference makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

And, the best for last... turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

The Terribly Tough Tongue Twisters

I was browsing through the web desperately trying to find some means of entertainment when I stumbled upon a site with some quality tongue twisters. Well, what could be a better way to while away time than to speak out tentatively traumatising tongue twisters. I had my fun. You have your share to. But please stop before your condition reaches that of the guy over here:

Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
and made the big black bear bleed blood.

A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

Two Truckee truckers truculently truckling
to have truck to truck two trucks of truck.

Ed had edited it.

A bloke's back bike brake block broke.

Lily ladles little Letty's lentil soup.

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

And if you're still willing to try some more, find More tongue twisters here.

English is a Funny Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this post, I end it?

Songs of the Middle-Earth: White City

White City
(Originally as Paradise City by the Guns N' Roses, this song is the most popular soldier's tune in Minas Tirith.)

Chorus:
Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Just a soldier livin' under the street
I'm a hard warrior that's tough to beat
I'm your last defense
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you with a dime
Fightin' to the end of time.

Orcs to Trolls
Or so they say
You gotta
Keep fightin' for the glory and fame
You know it's, it's all a game
When it's just a game
You treat it like a great war
We are fightin' for Gondor

Chorus x2

Standing in the tower of the city's battlements
Last I was afraid, I can't quite remember
The captain general says it's time to stay alert
I'd have another pipeweed
But I can't see
Tell me that you're gonna believe

Chorus x2

So far away x4

Though Gondor's been torn apart
It still has its glory
With a light heart
We watch towards Mordor
And they can never take Gondor
I must be losing my mind
"Are you blind?!"
I've seen it all a mllion times

CHORUS x4

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down
Oh yeah
Beat me down
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Boy, I'm gonna be mean
Oh, oh take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home
Baby