Terrorist Fan Mail

Dear Terrorists,

I know that you guys are, like, always on the move and all, so this letter might not get to you. But if it does, I would like to tell you that I’m like a big fan of yours and the stuff that you guys do. You know, ever since I saw you guys crashing the plane into the WTC on 9/11, I really thought that you guys were so cool. You know, like fearless and all. That kind of stuff totally kicks me up, you know. So, like, since then, I wanted to become a terrorist when I grew up. I’ve been practicing being one on this game called CS. Have you guys like ever played that? You know, you should, I’m damn sure you’ll, like, totally enjoy the game and all. And I’m a pretty decent shot with an AK-47, you see.

Now to the serious stuff, you guys. I know you guys don’t really take criticism badly, so, I thought that I could like tell you guys something that’s been on my mind lately, you know. It’s like, I know you guys are after the government of various countries and all, but, you know, it’s like a totally stupid thing to blow up normal people to show your hate. Because, it’s like, the normal people don’t really like their government either, you know. They all totally hate the people who lead them. So, you know, by blowing them up, you’re only killing your supporters and all. And besides, the worst thing you could actually do to the normal people is to let them continue their totally miserable lives. Do you know how hard it is to get a decent job nowadays? Do you guys know how hard it is for a normal person to feed himself and his family, if any? Do you guys, like, have any idea how difficult it is to live in this world filled with corrupt police and politicians and all? So, you know, it’s better if you guys could just leave the normal people alone and not blow them up like you do all the time.

I really hope that you guys would, like, think about what I told you and all and, like, decide on your targets again. And also, since, you know, that Christmas is like just around the corner and all, could you guys, like, get Mr. Bin Laden (Can I call him “The Big Oz”, by the way?) to come over to my place and gift me an AK-47? You know, it would be really awesomely cool to terrorise my neighbourhood and all. And teach all the bullies why not to mess with me and all. I would really like to become the Friendly Neighbourhood Terrorist, you know. Would it be, like, cool if I call myself the Spandexman?

Your biggest fan,
Me