Saturday, 28 May 2011

My Drinking Problem

I could tell my story in two words - the two words “I drank.” But I was not always a drinker. This is the story of my downfall - and of my rise - for through the influence of a good woman, I have, thank Heaven, risen from the depths.

I cannot accurately remember when my addiction to the stuff really began. It stole upon me gradually, as it does upon so many young men. As a boy I remember trying it, but I can recall that I wasn’t really fascinated by it. My downfall really began when I began college.

It was then that I was first acquainted with the awful power of ridicule. They were a bunch of reckless youths, the always-have-fun-no-matter-who-thinks-what kind. They frequented the movie theatres. They thought nothing of having chocolate fudge late in the night or early in the morning. They laughed at me when I refused to join them. I was only 18 then. My character was undeveloped. I could not endure their scorn. The next time I was offered a drink I accepted. They were pleased, I remember. They called me “a good sport”, “a lovely chap” and other complimentary names. They began to talk to me. I was not ignored by them anymore. I was intoxicated with the sudden popularity.

Oh, how vividly I can recall that day! That shining, freshly-wiped counter, the colourful placards advertising various strange mixtures with ice-cream as their basis, their exotic-sounding names, the busy men behind the counter, the lovely eyes of the girl at the cash register where you bought the dessert checks. She had seen so many happy, healthy boys through that little hole in the wire netting, so many thoughtless boys all eager for their first soda, clamouring to set their foot on the primrose path that leads to destruction.

It was a Mint & Chocolate Chip sundae, I recollect. I dug my spoon into it with an assumption of excitement and happiness which I was far from feeling. The first mouthful almost nauseated me. It was like cold hair-oil. But I stuck to it. I could not chicken out now. I could not bear to forfeit the newly-won esteem of my comrades. They were gulping their sundaes down with the speed and enjoyment of old hands. I set my teeth, and persevered, and by degrees a strange exhilaration began to steal over me. I felt that I had burnt my boats and bridges; that I had crossed the River Styx. I was reckless. I ordered another round. I was the life and soul of that party.

The next morning brought with it pain and remorse. I did not feel well. My head hurt. I felt like two guys were going at the inside of my head with a sledgehammer. I was in intense pain- both physical, and mental. But I could not back down now. I was too weak to renounce my popularity. I was only a boy, and on the previous evening, the captain of the college football team, to whom I looked up with an almost worshipping reverence, had slapped me on my back and told me that I was an amazing chap. I felt that nothing could ever match the honour. That night, too, I gave a party at which ice-cream sodas flowed freely. And that party was the turning point.

I had got the habit. I had become addicted!

The next few years I will recount briefly. There is not much to say about it, except that I sank deeper and deeper into the abyss. So much so, that I knew all the ice-cream parlour tenders by their first names, and they knew me by mine. I didn’t have to specify the name of the abominations I wanted. I merely had to go to a ice-cream parlour, say, “The usual, Rahul,” and he understood.

At first, it did not really trouble me much. I was young and I was strong. My constitution disregarded the effects of my habit. But, gradually, it began to take it’s toll. I began to lose my grip. I could not go on without having at least 5 ice-cream sodas in a day. I had difficulty in concentrating. My work and studies suffered. I had frequent black-outs. I felt nervous and dizzy. I became distant from the world. Eventually, I went to a doctor.

He took a long look at me, did a check-up and said to me, “If I am to cure you of this ailment, you must tell me all.”

I hesitated at first. But then, I broke down, and with my head in my hands, I told him. “I am a confirmed soda-fiend, doctor,” I told him, “I am addicted to ice-cream.”

The doctor looked pityingly at me. He gave me long lectures about the harmful effects of the addiction. He gave me an even longer list of instructions. I was to abstain from sundaes of all variety and descriptions. I was to never look at a soda bottle again. If anyone even offered me one, I was to knock him down with one blow and hand him over to the nearest policeman.

But it was hard. You have no idea how tough it is for a young man living in a big and wicked city to keep away from it’s charms once he’s got the habit. I could not hang out with my group. They called me a “spoilsport”, “killjoy” and other godawful names. But I could not join them. They left me alone while they went on their revelries. I felt more alone than I ever had.

In the end, I undid all the good work of my one month’s abstinence. I had become desperate. I felt that there was nothing good left in the world. That nothing could save me now. So I went to the nearest joint and had 3 chocolate fudge, a pineapple fizz and 2 Blue Monsoons before I paused to take a breath. I hadn’t felt so good for a long time. It was like I was the king of the whole world.

And then, the next day, I met Sue, the girl who brought about my reformation. I met her at a party and we hit it off instantly. We spoke to each other regularly on the phone. And then, one day, I asked her out to dinner.

That was the happiest moment of my life. I met her at the door of her apartment. She was wearing a blue cocktail dress that matched the colour of her eyes. We went out to a nice restaurant and had a blast there. I could really feel a connection between us. A spark. I was beginning to feel the first wisp of love between us.

After the dinner, I took her out to my favourite ice-cream joint. We were inside and I was about to place my order, before she realized where she was and I shall never forget the look of extreme disgust and horror that came on her face at that moment.

“And I thought you were a great one!” she exclaimed to me. I could hear the pain in her voice.
It seemed that she was looking for a little wine or champagne. The idea was completely new to me. But she convinced me that it was only refreshment that she would consider, and recoiled in revulsion at my suggestion of a hot brownie topped with chocolate ice-cream. She grabbed me by my hand and took me out to the nearest bar. That night I tasted my first wine. And my resurrection began.

It was hard at first, really hard. Something inside me was pulling me back to the sundaes for which I craved, but I resisted the impulse. With her sympathetic encouragement, I acquired a taste for alcohol. And then, one day, I realised suddenly that I no longer had an urge to go inside a soda parlour. I never wanted to see an ice-cream parlour again. Beers, at first repellent to me, have become my first choice of refreshment for me. I drink wines for breakfast. I am cured. I am saved!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Exam Paper I

  1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters

    (only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)

  2. What's your age group ?
    less than 0
    equal to 0
    greater than 0

  3. What is 2 + 2 ?

  4. If you have one brother, how many brothers your brother has?
    none one question is too personal

  5. Complete the following sentence........... (4 marks)
    ______ ________ ________ _________ .

  6. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year ?

  7. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question :
    "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
    Q. How many times the word "mother" appear in the above statement ?
    few times
    uncountable times

  8. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get
    One rupee ? 100 paise ?

  9. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences.
    (HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______ (boy/girl). i am writing an essay.)

  10. If the time is 3.00 what does your digital watch show ?

  11. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come ?

  12. What do you do on a honeymoon ?
    Collect Honey
    Admire Moon
    Collect Honey while admiring the moon

  13. Earth is Flat ?
    Indeed False

  14. If A = B and B = C then B = A ?

  15. If you eat lunch during lunch time, what do you eat during dinner time ?

  16. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

  17. Fill in the blank :
    I am a letter.

  18. Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?

  19. What comes first ?
    the Egg
    the Omelette

  20. Can you count more than five using your hands ?

  21. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

  22. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's

  23. Car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. how many wheels does each car has ?
    One Four Seven

  24. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator ?

  25. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
    1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

  26. This one tests your imagination.
    SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because.........
    SUN is smaller than AMERICA
    One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
    i do not have any time left to think on this one.

Your feedback counts. (please do not write how many times)

I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as
8 9 10 [NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult]

Number of times i flipped a coin
35 70 i forgot to bring my coin so i bluffed and prayed for good luck.

Exam paper II

Instructions Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time limit 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the Indian Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following:
  • Alexander of Aphrodisis
  • Rameses II
  • Hammuarabi.
Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
  • Cubism
  • the Donatist Controversy
  • the Wave Theory of Light
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

GrinReaper's Grumpy Personality Test

Choose the answer that best represents your tendencies (and/or fantasies). Do not think too hard; go with your first instinct (or you can even cheat if you want). This is a self-discovery tool so there are no wrong answers (Breath a sigh of relief!). This test takes approximately 12 minutes and is not timed. Begin! (Only at your own risk, of course!)

1. When paying at a store I often
pay and leave without chit-chat have conversation with the cashier pull out a gun and demand cash

2. I work better when
deciding what to do next as I go following a schedule
ordering others around

3. Talking about feelings and emotions is
difficult easy
a turn-on

4. I process information through
my five senses intuition
my laptop or computer

5.My thoughts are
random orderly

6.Clutter in my home
bothers me is not something I notice
is helpful for concentration

7.I am more excited about what might happen
later today or tomorrow in a couple years
in a parallel universe

8.After a social gathering I feel
energized drained

9.I am most comfortable being
a planner spontaneous

10.When in a one-on-one situation I usually do more
listening talking
dribbling around the goalkeeper

11.I entertain myself with my
surroundings imagination

12.I am more likely to have my
ass on the ground head in the clouds
foot in the mouth

13.With people, I am more often
friendly and warm brief and to the point
abusive and demanding

14. I see life
as it could be as it is
as a burden

15. I usually
play, then work work, then play
do nothing but drink beer and eat pizza all day

16.Change for me is
easy difficult
something I put in vending machines

17.When making decisions I
don't consider the feelings of others consider the feelings of others
recite eenie-meenie-minie-mo

18.I tend to
see the big picture focus on details
black out very often

19.I tend to be more
reasonable personable

20.I am governed by my
heart head

21.I prefer
routine activities "spur of the moment" activities

22.I consider myself to be
a concrete thinker an abstract thinker
a stinker

23.Give me the
personal details facts

24.I get energized by
learning facts exploring theories
energy drinks

25.I consider myself to be
a realist an idealist
a prick

26.Others might perceive me as
rigid aimless
a guided missile

27. I am drawn to
hidden meaning and inspiration what is immediate
pretty females/handsome males

28.I prefer speakers that communicate
figuratively literally

29.I make new friends
quickly over time
only when I owe all my existing friends

30.My thoughts are on
what lies ahead the "here and now"
filling this bloody questionnaire

31.I like
to "go with the flow" timetables and plans
butterscotch sundae

32.When the phone rings I
pick it up right away wish I could ignore it
dance to the ringtone

33.I am
subjective objective

34.I am quick to
critique compliment
run away

35.Being the center of attention is
exhilarating uncomfortable
depends on the circumstances

36.When judging others I am
impartial partial

37I prefer someone who is
efficient empathetic

38.I enjoy a task when I
start it complete it
put it off onto others

39.I want to
get the task done get to know others
just get the hell outta here

40.At work I am
relationship-focused task-oriented

Please, mail me the completed questionnaires and then you can go back to doing whatever you were doing. I'll probably send you the results when I feel like it. Cash is a very good motivation, by the way. And so's the hollow end of a gun. Cheers!

Friday, 6 June 2008

Bloopers from Church Bulletins

Supposed to be true:

  • Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
  • Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
  • The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Insurance Reports

The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. The reports are claimed to be real.

  1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

  2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

  3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

  4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

  5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

  6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

  7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

  8. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

  9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

  10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

  11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

  12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

  13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

  14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

  15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

  16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

  17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

  18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Sunday, 1 June 2008

Why Star Wars is not a kids' movie...

While it may have been a great PG movie, some of these lines could be taken the wrong way. On some of these you have to really stretch.

From the Return of the Jedi:
  • "Rise, my friend."
  • "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
  • "Not bad for a little furball."
  • "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
  • "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
  • "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
  • "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
  • "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

From the Empire Strikes Back:
  • "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  • "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
  • "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  • "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  • "Control, control! You must learn control!"
  • "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  • "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
From A New Hope:
  • "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
  • "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  • "Look at the size of that thing!"
  • "Sorry about the mess..."
  • "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  • "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  • "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
  • "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  • "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell!"

Friday, 30 May 2008

Explaining the chemistry between a boy and a girl.

There was a guy named Roger who was attracted to a woman named Elaine. One day he asked her out to a movie; she accepted; and they had a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asked her out to dinner, and again they enjoyed themselves. They continued to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them was seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they were driving home, a thought occurred to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she said it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there was silence in the car. To Elaine, it seemed like a very loud silence. She thought to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger thought: Gosh! Six months!!

And Elaine thought: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of a relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading towards marriage? Towards children? Towards a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger thought: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine thought: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger thought: And I'm gonna have them take a look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say; it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's still only August, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 600 bucks

And Elaine thought: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger thought: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine thought: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight in his shining armour to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger thought: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their …

"Roger," Elaine said aloud.

"What?" asked Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she said, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so …”

(She broke down, sobbing.)

"What?" asked Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobbed. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?"

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?"

"No!" said Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine said.

(There was a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he could, tried to come up with a safe response. Finally he came up with one that he thought might work.)

"Yes," he said.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touched his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"

"What way?"

"That way about time,"

"Oh, Yes."

(Elaine turned to face him and gazed deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involved a horse. At last she spoke.)

"Thank you, Roger," she said.

"Thank you, Elaine”.

Then he took her home, and she lay on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and wept until dawn, whereas when Roger got back to his place, he opened a bag of chips, turned on the TV, and immediately became deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Serbians he had never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind told him that something major had been going on back there in the car, but he was pretty sure there was no way he could ever understand what, and so he figured it was better if he didn’t think about it. (This was also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine called her closest friends and they talked about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they analyzed everything she had said and everything he had said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They continued to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while drinking beer one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, paused just before a sip, frowned, and asked:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Thursday, 29 May 2008

The Answering Machine has spoken!!

These are from by-gone days when we actually had little machines that would answer the telephone for us. They were called "answering machines," intuitively enough. Roughly akin to voice mail today, but when they came out, they were quite novel. Thus, the were the source of much amusement.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Monday, 25 February 2008

Attempt to Simplify English.

We all know that English is quite a difficult language to master what with all the double meanings and the extra-ordinary pronunciations. But the aspect of the English language that is the most difficult to grasp is the spelling. And blame it on the French! (the language, I mean, not the people esp. not the hot French girls) I mean why is ren-dez-vous pronounced like how a Canadian would say round-a-bout. Apparently, it is this influence that egged the English to pronounce the words irrespective of how they were spelled. And this can be very annoying for a novice at the language. It is in the hope to simplify this aspect that I present the following suggestions.

One of the things in the English spelling that has trouble me are the double letters. I mean, they don't make any difference while pronouncing the word. So why keep them? So, we can do away with the double leters. Another anoying thing are the silent leters. Like there is no 'b' in doubt or debt, and the extraneous 'e' at the end of most of the words such as there, table etc serves no purpose whatsoever. It definitely does not provide end-suport to those words. So of course, the silent leters ar out to. Now, yu can notic how esy evrything is now.

Now, another anoying thing about th languag is th use of vowels for rong sounds. This definitly provids a lot of confusion. So we eliminat th problem by fixing th vowel sounds as thus:
a wil hav th sound as in cut, but etc.
e wil hav th sound as in fret, det etc.
i wil hav th sound as in fish, mis etc.
o wil hav th sound as in cot, froth etc.
u wil hav th sound as in put, good etc.
aa wil hav th sound as in car, park etc.
ee wil hav th sound as in cat, that etc.
This wil obviasli teek taaim tu get iusd tu, bat it wil carteenli bi isiar in tha long ran. (Not: tha dabal vowals bing iusd hiar aar onli diu tu tha presenc of onli faaiv vowals in Inglish. If iu wont, iu ceen ius α in plec of aa and ε in plec of ee.)

Inglish olso hees ridandent letars. For exaampal, tha letar 'c'. Haaf tha taaim, it hees tha saaund of 'k' end et athar taaims, it is pronaauncd es 's'. Tha sem problam is with 'v' end 'w' bing tha sem saaund. So, wi ceen riplec 'c' with it's epropriet saaund end olso riples 'w' with 'v'. On tha sem laains, 'th' keen bi riplesd baai 'd'. End iu mast hev olredi notisd deet vi hev dan ave vid da letar 'y' tu.

'X' keen olso bi sabstitiuted vid 'ks', 'ph' vid 'f' etc. Samtaaims, 'g' meks da saaund of 'j' ees in garaag. Dis keen bi solvd baai speling it ees garaaj. End 'z' hees da sem saaund es 'j' tu. So, vi eliminet 'z' oltugedar. Iu keen faaind meni sach sabstitiutians on ior on. Naau, ol dis maait sim veri difikalt et da fast gleens, bat vid propar prektis, aai em siur dat enivan vil bi ebal tu maastar it.

If iu kam ap vid mor ves tu simplifaai Inglish es a lenguej, iu keen let mi no in da kaments sekshan (tion hees bin riplesd baai shan). Thenk iu for ior taaim.

PS: MS Ward gev mi a hel lot of trabal vid dis aartikal.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

Military Aircraft Maintenance.

These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Right engine sounds like little man with little hammer on shut down
Solution: Removed hammer from little man

Problem: Cockpit is infested with little white spiders
Solution: stomp and squish as required

Saturday, 19 January 2008

The World According to Students

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

- Richard Ledere, St. Paul's School

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

60 Interesting ways To Order Pizza.

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be Rs. 120; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Sunday, 13 January 2008

Cheeky Lawyer.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our darned loan?"

The loan was approved.

Cards Hallmark Should Make.

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
Let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...

It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.