Military Aircraft Maintenance.

These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Right engine sounds like little man with little hammer on shut down

Solution: Removed hammer from little man

Problem: Cockpit is infested with little white spiders

Solution: stomp and squish as required