Wednesday, 18 June 2008

GrinReaper's Grumpy Personality Test

Choose the answer that best represents your tendencies (and/or fantasies). Do not think too hard; go with your first instinct (or you can even cheat if you want). This is a self-discovery tool so there are no wrong answers (Breath a sigh of relief!). This test takes approximately 12 minutes and is not timed. Begin! (Only at your own risk, of course!)

1. When paying at a store I often
pay and leave without chit-chat have conversation with the cashier pull out a gun and demand cash

2. I work better when
deciding what to do next as I go following a schedule
ordering others around

3. Talking about feelings and emotions is
difficult easy
a turn-on

4. I process information through
my five senses intuition
my laptop or computer

5.My thoughts are
random orderly

6.Clutter in my home
bothers me is not something I notice
is helpful for concentration

7.I am more excited about what might happen
later today or tomorrow in a couple years
in a parallel universe

8.After a social gathering I feel
energized drained

9.I am most comfortable being
a planner spontaneous

10.When in a one-on-one situation I usually do more
listening talking
dribbling around the goalkeeper

11.I entertain myself with my
surroundings imagination

12.I am more likely to have my
ass on the ground head in the clouds
foot in the mouth

13.With people, I am more often
friendly and warm brief and to the point
abusive and demanding

14. I see life
as it could be as it is
as a burden

15. I usually
play, then work work, then play
do nothing but drink beer and eat pizza all day

16.Change for me is
easy difficult
something I put in vending machines

17.When making decisions I
don't consider the feelings of others consider the feelings of others
recite eenie-meenie-minie-mo

18.I tend to
see the big picture focus on details
black out very often

19.I tend to be more
reasonable personable

20.I am governed by my
heart head

21.I prefer
routine activities "spur of the moment" activities

22.I consider myself to be
a concrete thinker an abstract thinker
a stinker

23.Give me the
personal details facts

24.I get energized by
learning facts exploring theories
energy drinks

25.I consider myself to be
a realist an idealist
a prick

26.Others might perceive me as
rigid aimless
a guided missile

27. I am drawn to
hidden meaning and inspiration what is immediate
pretty females/handsome males

28.I prefer speakers that communicate
figuratively literally

29.I make new friends
quickly over time
only when I owe all my existing friends

30.My thoughts are on
what lies ahead the "here and now"
filling this bloody questionnaire

31.I like
to "go with the flow" timetables and plans
butterscotch sundae

32.When the phone rings I
pick it up right away wish I could ignore it
dance to the ringtone

33.I am
subjective objective

34.I am quick to
critique compliment
run away

35.Being the center of attention is
exhilarating uncomfortable
depends on the circumstances

36.When judging others I am
impartial partial

37I prefer someone who is
efficient empathetic

38.I enjoy a task when I
start it complete it
put it off onto others

39.I want to
get the task done get to know others
just get the hell outta here

40.At work I am
relationship-focused task-oriented

Please, mail me the completed questionnaires and then you can go back to doing whatever you were doing. I'll probably send you the results when I feel like it. Cash is a very good motivation, by the way. And so's the hollow end of a gun. Cheers!

Friday, 6 June 2008

Bloopers from Church Bulletins

Supposed to be true:

  • Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
  • Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
  • The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Insurance Reports

The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. The reports are claimed to be real.

  1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

  2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

  3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

  4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

  5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

  6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

  7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

  8. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

  9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

  10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

  11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

  12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

  13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

  14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

  15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

  16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

  17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

  18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Sunday, 1 June 2008

Why Star Wars is not a kids' movie...

While it may have been a great PG movie, some of these lines could be taken the wrong way. On some of these you have to really stretch.

From the Return of the Jedi:
  • "Rise, my friend."
  • "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
  • "Not bad for a little furball."
  • "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
  • "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
  • "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
  • "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
  • "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

From the Empire Strikes Back:
  • "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  • "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
  • "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  • "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  • "Control, control! You must learn control!"
  • "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  • "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
From A New Hope:
  • "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
  • "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  • "Look at the size of that thing!"
  • "Sorry about the mess..."
  • "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  • "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  • "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
  • "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  • "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell!"