Sunday, 24 June 2007

Therapy session

I was quite eager and bored and not to mention insane last year (well, things haven't changed much this year too) and I decided to provide solutions to people's problems. You know, the normal shrink stuff which you see as columns in the newspapers and magazines. Well, I had my stint as one and well, it didn't really work out as well as I would have wished it too.

Dear Poochie,

I take great pains to inform you that at present I am in great distress arising out of some extra-terrestrial being on whose head resides a a strange dead cat.
This miserable creature has gone to great lengths to sabotage any intelligent posting in my community, by replying to all scraps with a comment in some unitelligible language, which is something like this: hehehehe

I have tried most courses of actions but to no avail: Reason meets with insanity, threats of bodily harm are jeered at, and mockery has no effect whatsoever.

Please suggest some evasive measures, O Resident and Wise Therapist.

Yours truly

Dear Yours Truly,

I am deeply perturbed with your distress and I commend you on your ability to hold on for such a long time. To ease your pain slightly, I would like to tell you that you are not the only one who has such pest problems (in your case, 'pest' denotes an extra-terrestrial being who wears a strange dead cat for a hat) and in fact, there are quite a few communities which have been plagued by such 'pests' which get involved in some of the choicest of disruptional activities (in your case, the activities being replying to all scraps with a comment in some unitelligible language) and thus hamper the normal functioning of the community.

Although the techniques you have used (mockery, physical threats and logical reasoning) have been proven to be successful, they are grossly outdated considering the advancement in modern times. Therefore, I'm suggesting a few modern techniques guaranteed to solve your problem:

1) Tell the subject some of the best of the illogical PJs ever known to mankind and animal kind alike. This procedure will first instill a sense of proximity to insanity in the subject's mind which on continued exposure to the stream of PJs will make him stark, raving mad and hence turn him phobic to the company of the person supplying the constant stream of PJs. Although this method is very effective, one needs a lot of patience and self-immunity to the PJs to execute it.

2) Another plan of action that could be taken up is to blatantly ignore the subject and give no response whatsoever to any of his menagerie of maniacal actions. This will cause the subject to initially get frustrated, then angry but finally go into despair and rejection and not trouble you ever again. Although a very old technique, its highly effective and I wonder how you haven't tried it yet.

3) The ultimate solution would of course be to show a gun to his face. Strangely, being on the wrong end of a gun is the biggest motivator of all times.

I hope this will solve your problems.

Yours in service,

Aah well, that sucked!


Anonymous said...

Dear Poochie

You blog was really nice.
I've fallen in love with you
marry me?

Yours always

Saagar said...

Dear Poochie

The earlier annonymous comment was mine. What should I do to rid myself of this dysfuncionality?

The Grin Reaper said...

@ Saagar:
Join the pro-gay marriage demonstrations in America. Atleast be of some use.