Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

(Background: Bilbo Baggins had a magic ring which made the wearer invisible. Frodo Baggins was his nephew.)

Shire: Happy Birthday, Bilbo!
Bilbo: Thank you all! It’s time for my retirement. Frodo, I leave you all my possessions, including the magic ring.
Gandalf: I’m feeling a bit metallurgical today. Let’s heat the ring.
Frodo: Oooh! Bright, fiery letters!
Gandalf: Dammit! That means that’s the One Ring.
Frodo: Yeah, I can count, stupid. I know it is one ring.
Gandalf: You are in dire need of a history lesson.

(Flashback to the Battle of the Last Alliance and the siege of Mordor)

The Last Alliance: Surrender, Sauron!
Sauron: Make me!
(Battle begins. Sauron swings around his mace killing elves and men. Very much like how a bowling ball strikes the ninepins.)
Elendil: You bastard, I’ll kill you!
(Sauron swings his mace and kills Elendil.)
Isildur: Father! Nooooo! (To Sauron) I’ll kill you, you motherf#@!er!
Sauron: Yeah sure… (shows Isildur the finger)
(Isildur cuts off the finger, ring and all)
Sauron: Oh Shit! (loses his body shape and flees as a spirit)
The Last Alliance: Woohoo!
Elrond: Destroy the ring to destroy Sauron forever.
Isildur: F#@! You. I’m keeping the Ring with myself. It’s so beautiful and round.
(Isildur travels back to his home, gets attacked and is killed, losing the ring in the process)

(End of flashback)

Frodo: This is heavy.
Gandalf: Haha. Nice pun. Now go to Rivendell with the Ring.
Sam, Pippin and Merry: We’re going too.
Gandalf: Okay! (with a thick Austrian accent) I’ll be back!

(On the road)
Strider: Can I join you boys too? I can be your guard and all. And I’m a good singer too.
The hobbits: Have you got food for all of us?
Strider: Yeah!
The hobbits: Alright! Join us.

(On Weathertop)
Nazgul: Give us the Ring.
Frodo: F#@! You.
(Strider attacks the Nazgul. But one of the Nazgul stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: Aaaaah! Shit!
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Shit! Frodo got stabbed.
Strider: Shit! Let’s hurry to Rivendell.

(In Rivendell. Frodo gets cured there.)
The Hobbits: This place is beautiful! So many gorgeous elf maidens!
Strider (Henceforth known as Aragorn): I missed you, baby doll.
Arwen: I missed you too, sweetie pie.
Elrond: I’ve called a council among all the representatives of dwarves, elves, men and hobbits and wizards. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. (Frodo places the ring on a pedestal in the centre of the council) This Ring is evil. We should destroy it to defeat Sauron forever and be free from his tyranny. Who will go to destroy it?
Boromir: But shouldn’t we use the Ring as a weapon against Sauron?
Aragorn: No, you cannot. The Ring should be destroyed. That’s the only way to defeat Sauron.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Frodo: I’ll take the Ring to Mordor. But I don’t know the way.
Gandalf: I have the map to Middle-Earth. So, I’ll come with you.
Aragorn: I’ll come with you too. I’ll protect you.
Legolas: Aragorn is right. I’m coming too.
Gimli: Oh, what the hell! I’m in too.
Boromir: Is this some new trend? I’ll come too. But only because my home lies that way. (Bloody idiots)
Sam, Merry and Pippin: We’re going too. We hobbits come in a package deal.
Elrond: Hmm… nine of you there are. Call you The Nine Walkers I will. How creative I am! Watch less Star Wars I should.
The Fellowship: Right ho! We’re off!

(On Caradhras)
Fellowship: It’s too cold.
Gandalf: But the weather report in the news said that it was going to be bright and sunny today.
Fellowship: Let’s go to Moria. At least it’ll be warmer there.

(In Moria)
Gimli: My ancestors built this place. Lovely, no?
Fellowship: Awesome!
Gandalf: I have a bad feeling about this.
(Sounds of howling and screeching!)
Legolas: Orcs!
Fellowship: F#@!
(Battle ensues. Fellowship escapes to the bridge of Khazad-dum)
Gandalf: The rest of you go outside. I’ll guard the bridge.
Balrog: I’ll kill you all.
Gandalf: You. Shall not. Pass. (strikes the bridge with his staff. Bridge breaks and Balrog falls.)
Balrog: If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me. (Grabs Gandalf)
Gandalf (hanging on to the ledge): I can’t fly, you fools. (falls into the abyss)
Fellowship: This sucks.
Aragorn: I’ll lead the fellowship now. Let’s go to Lothlorien.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(In Lothlorien)
Galadriel: You can rest here. Enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just call room assistance.
Fellowship: Awesome!
Galadriel: Frodo, you come with me.
Frodo: Okay.
Galadriel: Look into this bowl of water.
Frodo: Wow! Lovely fish.
Galadriel: Not that bowl, you idiot. This one.
(Frodo sees the future.)
Galadriel: Forewarned is forearmed. Now, go and destroy the Ring.
Frodo: Roger that, lady. But can I go to sleep now? (yawns)

(Fellowship journeys to Amon Hen.)
Aragorn: Let’s rest here.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Boromir (to Frodo): Let’s take a walk.
(Boromir and Frodo go some distance away from the rest of the fellowship)
Boromir: Give me the Ring. I’ll use it in my war against Sauron. I’ll defeat him. And then I’ll be famous. All the girls will swoon over me.
Frodo: No, I won’t give the Ring to you.
Boromir: F@#! You.
(Frodo slips on the Ring and disappears.)
Boromir: Dammit!

(Noises of howling and screeching)
Legolas: Orcs!
(Battle begins.)
Ugluk, leader of the Orcs: Find the hobbits.
(Battle continues)
Merry and Pippin: Shit! We’re surrounded.
Boromir: I’ll save you.
(Boromir fights the orcs but is killed. The orcs grab Merry and Pippin and run. Aragorn comes to the scene some moments later.)
Aragorn: Oh! Boromir is dead. Let’s push him over the falls and run after the orcs to save Merry and Pippin.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

7 comments:

Airecristiel said...

"Elrond: Hmm… nine of you there are. Call you The Nine Walkers I will. How creative I am! Watch less Star Wars I should."
Roflmao!!
Terrific! :D
Of course I remember you LordAragorn! How is life treating you?
Hugs
/Aire

Saagar said...

Brillianto. I wish I'd read this before the fellowship
BTW, I believe you're written Lothlurien as Rivendell. riv is mentioned twice

The Grin Reaper said...

@Aire
*hugs back* Oh, life is quite fine. On vacation currently. :D

@Saagar:
Thanks for pointing it out, mate. I stand humbled.

The Perfectionist said...

I bow to you, Great Lord. How may I serve you, my leige? A new keypad for your great adventures?
P.S. I expect a One Ring with the engravings for my services. Thanks for making Gandalf one of us.

The Grin Reaper said...

@Perfectionist:
Can I have a laptop instead? And a video iPod to gol along with it. You'll get the Ring after the aforementioned services have been attended to.

The Perfectionist said...

Can't. Not enough funds from your supporters. Levy taxes. What's with Legolas anyway? Napoleon complex?

The Grin Reaper said...

I never liked Legolas. But had to include him because he was one of the Nine. And also all the girls seem to like him. Well, I just limited his dialogues to two. Revenge enough for me. Muahahahaha and all that sort of a thing.