(After several days and miles. The orcs are in Rohan.)
Orcs: Let’s rest here.
(They put Merry and Pippin on the ground.)
Rohirrim: How dare you orcs enter our land without passport? We’ll kill you.
(Battle begins. In the confusion, Merry and Pippin free themselves and run and hide in the nearby Fangorn forest. The Rohirrim kill all the orcs and burn their bodies. In the Fangorn Forest.)
Treebeard: Who are you?
Merry and Pippin: We’re the hobbits. Great things are afoot.
Treebeard: Oh yes… sometimes great things are a foot tall only. Hahahaha.
Merry and Pippin: Hahahahaha (bloody idiot) hahahahaha. Now we must attack Isengard. Saruman should be destroyed.
Treebeard: But why?
Pippin: Because he cut your trees.
Treebeard: Ho Hum! Let me gather my army of walking trees.
(Meanwhile Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have entered the land of Rohan. They meet up with the Rohirrim riding back from the battle.)
Aragorn: Yo fellas! What’s up?
Eomer: I’m Eomer, a marshal of Rohan. Have you entered Rohan without passports?
Aragorn: We’re the F.B.I. We don’t need passports.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: You’re the what?
Aragorn: The F.B.I. We’re what the Fellowship has Broken Into.
Eomer: Oh. I see. What business have you here?
Aragorn: We’re looking for some orcs. They have our friends.
Eomer: Oh, we killed them. (points to the smoke from the burning) See. We sent a smoke signal.
Aragorn: Did you find any hobbits? They’re our friends.
Eomer: Nope. Only orcs.
Aragorn: Dammit! We’ll go look for them at the battleground anyway.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: Suit yourselves.
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli enter the Fangorn forest. They see someone moving in the forest.)
Legolas: Orcs!
Gimli: No, that’s Saruman. Let’s kill him.
Aragorn: No, let’s wait and see what he does.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Stranger: Wassup dudes?
Aragorn: Who are you?
Stranger: Y’all don’t know me? I’m Gandalf.
Gimli: No shit! I thought you were dead.
Gandalf: Haha, fooled ya. I’m back. Let’s go to Edoras and meet up with Théoden, the King of Rohan.
(In Edoras)
Gandalf: Théoden, war is upon you. You must fight back.
Théoden: Buzz off, you senile, old fool! We don’t need your help.
Gandalf: You’re out of your mind. Come, look outside. Don’t despair.
Théoden: You’re right. We shall fight Saruman. Forth Eorlingas!
(The Rohan army is diverted into Helm’s Deep. The orcs attack at night. There’s a big battle. You can see that in the movie. The good guys win and orcs are driven back.)
Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: So long, friends. I’m off to Gondor. You guys can tag along later. With an army. See ya.
Pippin: Can you give me a lift?
Gandalf: Hop on!
(Gandalf and Pippin gallop on to Gondor. I mean, the horse Shadowfax does. Gandalf and Pippin simply ride it.)
(Now we go back to Frodo and Sam)
Sam: We’re lost.
Frodo: I’m afraid, we are.
Gollum: Give us the precious!
Frodo: In your dreams, you slinky boy.
(Gollum fights with the hobbits but the hobbits tie him with a rope)
Gollum: Its burns us! It burns us! Take it off us!
Frodo: But only if you show us the way to Mordor.
Gollum: Will do!
Frodo: It’s a deal then.
(The three go to Mordor. On the way, they meet Faramir, Boromir’s brother, who captures them.)
Faramir: Who are you?
Frodo: We’re going to Mordor.
Faramir: What for?
Frodo: To destroy this (holds up the Ring)
Faramir: My God! Isildur’s bane. Go destroy it.
(Frodo, Sam and Gollum reach Mordor. They enter Cirith Ungol. The back-door to Mordor.)
Gollum: Follow us, hobbitses.
Frodo and Sam: Coming.
Gollum: In this cave you go.
(The cave is actually the home of Shelob, a giant spider. She tries to capture Frodo but manages only to poison him. Sam pokes Shelob in the eye and the spider retreats back into the cave)
Sam: Master! Master! Talk to me!
(Frodo remains unconscious)
Sam: Shit! What am I gonna do now?
Orcs: Let’s rest here.
(They put Merry and Pippin on the ground.)
Rohirrim: How dare you orcs enter our land without passport? We’ll kill you.
(Battle begins. In the confusion, Merry and Pippin free themselves and run and hide in the nearby Fangorn forest. The Rohirrim kill all the orcs and burn their bodies. In the Fangorn Forest.)
Treebeard: Who are you?
Merry and Pippin: We’re the hobbits. Great things are afoot.
Treebeard: Oh yes… sometimes great things are a foot tall only. Hahahaha.
Merry and Pippin: Hahahahaha (bloody idiot) hahahahaha. Now we must attack Isengard. Saruman should be destroyed.
Treebeard: But why?
Pippin: Because he cut your trees.
Treebeard: Ho Hum! Let me gather my army of walking trees.
(Meanwhile Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have entered the land of Rohan. They meet up with the Rohirrim riding back from the battle.)
Aragorn: Yo fellas! What’s up?
Eomer: I’m Eomer, a marshal of Rohan. Have you entered Rohan without passports?
Aragorn: We’re the F.B.I. We don’t need passports.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: You’re the what?
Aragorn: The F.B.I. We’re what the Fellowship has Broken Into.
Eomer: Oh. I see. What business have you here?
Aragorn: We’re looking for some orcs. They have our friends.
Eomer: Oh, we killed them. (points to the smoke from the burning) See. We sent a smoke signal.
Aragorn: Did you find any hobbits? They’re our friends.
Eomer: Nope. Only orcs.
Aragorn: Dammit! We’ll go look for them at the battleground anyway.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: Suit yourselves.
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli enter the Fangorn forest. They see someone moving in the forest.)
Legolas: Orcs!
Gimli: No, that’s Saruman. Let’s kill him.
Aragorn: No, let’s wait and see what he does.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Stranger: Wassup dudes?
Aragorn: Who are you?
Stranger: Y’all don’t know me? I’m Gandalf.
Gimli: No shit! I thought you were dead.
Gandalf: Haha, fooled ya. I’m back. Let’s go to Edoras and meet up with Théoden, the King of Rohan.
(In Edoras)
Gandalf: Théoden, war is upon you. You must fight back.
Théoden: Buzz off, you senile, old fool! We don’t need your help.
Gandalf: You’re out of your mind. Come, look outside. Don’t despair.
Théoden: You’re right. We shall fight Saruman. Forth Eorlingas!
(The Rohan army is diverted into Helm’s Deep. The orcs attack at night. There’s a big battle. You can see that in the movie. The good guys win and orcs are driven back.)
Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: So long, friends. I’m off to Gondor. You guys can tag along later. With an army. See ya.
Pippin: Can you give me a lift?
Gandalf: Hop on!
(Gandalf and Pippin gallop on to Gondor. I mean, the horse Shadowfax does. Gandalf and Pippin simply ride it.)
(Now we go back to Frodo and Sam)
Sam: We’re lost.
Frodo: I’m afraid, we are.
Gollum: Give us the precious!
Frodo: In your dreams, you slinky boy.
(Gollum fights with the hobbits but the hobbits tie him with a rope)
Gollum: Its burns us! It burns us! Take it off us!
Frodo: But only if you show us the way to Mordor.
Gollum: Will do!
Frodo: It’s a deal then.
(The three go to Mordor. On the way, they meet Faramir, Boromir’s brother, who captures them.)
Faramir: Who are you?
Frodo: We’re going to Mordor.
Faramir: What for?
Frodo: To destroy this (holds up the Ring)
Faramir: My God! Isildur’s bane. Go destroy it.
(Frodo, Sam and Gollum reach Mordor. They enter Cirith Ungol. The back-door to Mordor.)
Gollum: Follow us, hobbitses.
Frodo and Sam: Coming.
Gollum: In this cave you go.
(The cave is actually the home of Shelob, a giant spider. She tries to capture Frodo but manages only to poison him. Sam pokes Shelob in the eye and the spider retreats back into the cave)
Sam: Master! Master! Talk to me!
(Frodo remains unconscious)
Sam: Shit! What am I gonna do now?
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