Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

(Gandalf reaches Gondor and meets Denethor, the steward of Gondor)
Gandalf: Old man!
Denethor: Old hag!
Pippin: Your son, Boromir, died trying to save me. I offer you my services.
Denethor: Accepted. Go to the Tower Guard to have your gate-pass made.
Gandalf: War is upon you.
Denethor: I know. Now go and sulk in your room.

(A few days later, Mordor’s army siege Gondor)
Gondorians: F@#!
Denethor: Flee!
Gandalf: Fight!
Pippin: Can you all stop using the f-words?

(In Rohan)
Eomer: I’ve managed to assemble the Rohan army, my King.
Théoden: Good boy. Now let’s go to war.

Aragorn: I’m taking the short-cut. The paths of the dead.
Théoden: Why?
Aragorn: I don’t have that much time. Besides I’ve got a ghost army to exorcise.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: I’m coming with you too.
Théoden: Okay, off you go. See you in the battle-field.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli: Take care, y’all. And kick their asses.

(The Rohan army rides to Gondor. They fight the Mordor army. Big, big battle. Watch the movie for details. Lovely action. Good guys win again. And Aragorn comes too in the end to finish the orcs off. Spectacular!)

Gondor: We’re free.

Gandalf: But now we must attack Mordor itself.
Eomer: You’re just being overconfident. You’re going senile.
Aragorn: No, Gandalf is right. We must give Frodo his chance.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: Okay. Let me finish this pint of ale first.

(At the Black Gate, the entry to Mordor.)
Good guys: Come out you black piece of shit! Come out and surrender.
Sauron: Talk to my mouth first.
Mouth of Sauron: Yo!
Good guys: Shut up!

(Sauron sends his orc army to fight the good guys. The good guys give a tough battle. But they’re losing the battle.)

(Meanwhile, Frodo regains consciousness and he and Sam go to the Cracks of Mt. Doom.)
Sam: Throw the ring, Master!
Frodo: But it's beautiful.
Gollum: My precious! Give us the precious!
Frodo: F@#! You! (Frodo shows Gollum the finger, who bites it off, ring and all)

Gollum (dancing): My Precious!
(While dancing, Gollum performs a moonwalk, oblivious to the fact that behind him there’s a river of Lava flowing and goes and drowns in it, ring and all)

(Outside, Mordor erupts in the biggest display of pyrotechnics ever. Humbling Gandalf even!)

Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: Sauron is dead.
Aragorn: And I’m the king of Gondor.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(And well, that’s the end of the story. After this, there’s a lot of happy, happy stuff like Aragorn’s and Arwen’s wedding and Aragorn’s crowning etc. For details watch the movies. Or better still read the book)


Saagar said...

'Old man!'
'Old Hag!'

The Grin Reaper said...

*winks at Saagar* ;-)

Ae said...

I bet you that I can find a shorter versions than the ones you created. Now the question is...do you dare take me up on it?

The Grin Reaper said...

I'm sure ou would find a shorter version than these. But then again I can come up with the shortest version of LOTR which goes, "A Ring was destroyed." That's it! Now find me something shorter than that, that's my bet to you. Anyhow, I never said that these are the shortest versions.

By the way, are you who I think you are? Cause if you are, what a surprise!