The Terribly Tough Tongue Twisters

I was browsing through the web desperately trying to find some means of entertainment when I stumbled upon a site with some quality tongue twisters. Well, what could be a better way to while away time than to speak out tentatively traumatising tongue twisters. I had my fun. You have your share to. But please stop before your condition reaches that of the guy over here:

Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
and made the big black bear bleed blood.

A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

Two Truckee truckers truculently truckling
to have truck to truck two trucks of truck.

Ed had edited it.

A bloke's back bike brake block broke.

Lily ladles little Letty's lentil soup.

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

And if you're still willing to try some more, find More tongue twisters here.

English is a Funny Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this post, I end it?

Songs of the Middle-Earth: White City

White City
(Originally as Paradise City by the Guns N' Roses, this song is the most popular soldier's tune in Minas Tirith.)

Chorus:
Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Just a soldier livin' under the street
I'm a hard warrior that's tough to beat
I'm your last defense
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you with a dime
Fightin' to the end of time.

Orcs to Trolls
Or so they say
You gotta
Keep fightin' for the glory and fame
You know it's, it's all a game
When it's just a game
You treat it like a great war
We are fightin' for Gondor

Chorus x2

Standing in the tower of the city's battlements
Last I was afraid, I can't quite remember
The captain general says it's time to stay alert
I'd have another pipeweed
But I can't see
Tell me that you're gonna believe

Chorus x2

So far away x4

Though Gondor's been torn apart
It still has its glory
With a light heart
We watch towards Mordor
And they can never take Gondor
I must be losing my mind
"Are you blind?!"
I've seen it all a mllion times

CHORUS x4

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down
Oh yeah
Beat me down
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Oh, look at me
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see
Boy, I'm gonna be mean
Oh, oh take me home

Take me down to the White City
Where the walls are white
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to go
I want to know
Oh, won't you please take me home
Baby

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Knockin' on Gondor's Doors

Knockin' on Gondor's Doors
(Sung to the tune of Knockin' on Heaven's Doors by Eric Clapton, it was often sung by the orcs who were handling the Grond during the Siege of Minas Tirith)

Sauron gave this Grond to me
The hammer of Vala Melkor
It's getting dark and I am happy
Feels like I'm knockin' on Gondor's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door

The doors are falling to the ground
There won't be a Minas Tirith anymore
The great Witch King is comin' down
Feels like I'm knockin' on Gondor's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on Gondor's door

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Ëarendil

Ëarendil
(Sung to the tune of Kryptonite by the Three Doors Down, this song was often sung by Frodo during his journey to destroy the Ring.)

I took a walk in Middle-Earth to
Ease the troubled land
I left my uncle laying somewhere
In the Rivendell
I have to throw the Ring
Into the Cracks of Doom
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I have to throw the Ring
Into the Cracks of Doom
Even though I know
This will lead me to my doom.
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as Sauron will be dead at the end

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

You called me strong, you called me weak
But still the Ring I will keep
I'll remember you for all the times you
Never let me down
I stumbled in and bumped my head, if
Not for you then I would be dead
You picked me up and put me back
On solid ground

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

If I die and fail will I still
Have your unfailing love
If I'm alive and well, will the stars
Still shine from above.
I'll try to destroy the Ring with
My weak halfling skill
Ëarendil

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Minas Morgul

Minas Morgul
(Sung to the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles)

On a dark Mordor highway, foul wind in my hair
Foul smell of flesh, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There he stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
’this could not be heaven so this really is hell’
Then he lit up a torch and he showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Minas Morgul
Such a beastly place
Such a beastly face
Plenty of doom at the Minas Morgul
Any time of year, you can find it here

His mind is a little twisted, He's got the orcs and troll
He got a lot of baddy, baddy boys, that He calls Nazgul
How they roam in the courtyard, shreiking their cry.
Some kill for pleasure, some kill to destroy

So I called up the Witch King,
’please bring me my wine’
He said, ’we haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Minas Morgul
Such a beastly place
Such a beastly face
They livin’ it up at the Minas Morgul
What a nice kill, to your heart's fill.

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink flesh on ice
And he said ’you are all just prisoners here, of your own device’
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the dinner
The stab it with their steely knives,
After they had killed the prisoner.

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
’relax,’ said the Witch King,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkin any time you like,
But you can never leave!

Songs of the Middle-Earth: We Will Rock You

We Will Rock you!
(Originally by Queen, this one was sung by the Orc Army outside the walls of Minas Tirith during the siege)

Gondor is a city with a big wall
Fightin’ in the field gonna be a big war to-day
Throwin' rocks on yo’ walls
Your big city falls
Killin' your men all over the place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Buddy we’re all young orcs hard orcs
Shoutin’ in the street gonna take Middle Earth some day
We got blood on our swords
We're no cowards
Wavin’ our banner all over the place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Sauron is our Dark Lord Power Lord
Lookin' with his Eye gonna make your walls shake to-day

Throwin' rocks on your walls
You big city falls
We're gonna kill all the men in your place

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Songs of the Middle-Earth: Everything I do (I do it for you)

Everything I do (I do it for you)
(Originally sung by Bryan Adams, this one is now performed by the Dark Lord Sauron)

(To: The One Ring)
Look into my Eye
You will see
What you mean to me
Searched the Shire
I'm Searching Gondor
When I find you
Then I'll search no more

(To: Nazgul)
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for

(To: The One Ring)
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

(To: Frodo)
Look into your heart
You will find
There's nowhere left to hide
Give me what I need
Give my Ring
I would take it back
I would sacrifice

(To: Nazgul)
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more

(To: The One Ring)
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no ring
Like your beauty
And no other
Could give more power
There's no Middle Earth
When you're there
All the time
All the way

(To: The Nazgul)
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more

(To: The One Ring)
Yeah, I would fight for you
I'd kill for you
Go to war for you
Yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do
Ohhh, I do it for you

The Tantalising Toothpaste

I'm using this new toothpaste. It's not really that great. The taste is very bland. Anyhow, what's interesting is this line written on the tube: “You may experience brighter teeth and fresher breath.”

Now, that got me asking questions. What do they mean may experience? And even if I do, will the brighter teeth and fresher breath be mine? Or will I be experiencing someone else's? Dammit! I need answers...

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

(Background: Bilbo Baggins had a magic ring which made the wearer invisible. Frodo Baggins was his nephew.)

Shire: Happy Birthday, Bilbo!
Bilbo: Thank you all! It’s time for my retirement. Frodo, I leave you all my possessions, including the magic ring.
Gandalf: I’m feeling a bit metallurgical today. Let’s heat the ring.
Frodo: Oooh! Bright, fiery letters!
Gandalf: Dammit! That means that’s the One Ring.
Frodo: Yeah, I can count, stupid. I know it is one ring.
Gandalf: You are in dire need of a history lesson.

(Flashback to the Battle of the Last Alliance and the siege of Mordor)

The Last Alliance: Surrender, Sauron!
Sauron: Make me!
(Battle begins. Sauron swings around his mace killing elves and men. Very much like how a bowling ball strikes the ninepins.)
Elendil: You bastard, I’ll kill you!
(Sauron swings his mace and kills Elendil.)
Isildur: Father! Nooooo! (To Sauron) I’ll kill you, you motherf#@!er!
Sauron: Yeah sure… (shows Isildur the finger)
(Isildur cuts off the finger, ring and all)
Sauron: Oh Shit! (loses his body shape and flees as a spirit)
The Last Alliance: Woohoo!
Elrond: Destroy the ring to destroy Sauron forever.
Isildur: F#@! You. I’m keeping the Ring with myself. It’s so beautiful and round.
(Isildur travels back to his home, gets attacked and is killed, losing the ring in the process)

(End of flashback)

Frodo: This is heavy.
Gandalf: Haha. Nice pun. Now go to Rivendell with the Ring.
Sam, Pippin and Merry: We’re going too.
Gandalf: Okay! (with a thick Austrian accent) I’ll be back!

(On the road)
Strider: Can I join you boys too? I can be your guard and all. And I’m a good singer too.
The hobbits: Have you got food for all of us?
Strider: Yeah!
The hobbits: Alright! Join us.

(On Weathertop)
Nazgul: Give us the Ring.
Frodo: F#@! You.
(Strider attacks the Nazgul. But one of the Nazgul stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: Aaaaah! Shit!
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Shit! Frodo got stabbed.
Strider: Shit! Let’s hurry to Rivendell.

(In Rivendell. Frodo gets cured there.)
The Hobbits: This place is beautiful! So many gorgeous elf maidens!
Strider (Henceforth known as Aragorn): I missed you, baby doll.
Arwen: I missed you too, sweetie pie.
Elrond: I’ve called a council among all the representatives of dwarves, elves, men and hobbits and wizards. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. (Frodo places the ring on a pedestal in the centre of the council) This Ring is evil. We should destroy it to defeat Sauron forever and be free from his tyranny. Who will go to destroy it?
Boromir: But shouldn’t we use the Ring as a weapon against Sauron?
Aragorn: No, you cannot. The Ring should be destroyed. That’s the only way to defeat Sauron.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Frodo: I’ll take the Ring to Mordor. But I don’t know the way.
Gandalf: I have the map to Middle-Earth. So, I’ll come with you.
Aragorn: I’ll come with you too. I’ll protect you.
Legolas: Aragorn is right. I’m coming too.
Gimli: Oh, what the hell! I’m in too.
Boromir: Is this some new trend? I’ll come too. But only because my home lies that way. (Bloody idiots)
Sam, Merry and Pippin: We’re going too. We hobbits come in a package deal.
Elrond: Hmm… nine of you there are. Call you The Nine Walkers I will. How creative I am! Watch less Star Wars I should.
The Fellowship: Right ho! We’re off!

(On Caradhras)
Fellowship: It’s too cold.
Gandalf: But the weather report in the news said that it was going to be bright and sunny today.
Fellowship: Let’s go to Moria. At least it’ll be warmer there.

(In Moria)
Gimli: My ancestors built this place. Lovely, no?
Fellowship: Awesome!
Gandalf: I have a bad feeling about this.
(Sounds of howling and screeching!)
Legolas: Orcs!
Fellowship: F#@!
(Battle ensues. Fellowship escapes to the bridge of Khazad-dum)
Gandalf: The rest of you go outside. I’ll guard the bridge.
Balrog: I’ll kill you all.
Gandalf: You. Shall not. Pass. (strikes the bridge with his staff. Bridge breaks and Balrog falls.)
Balrog: If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me. (Grabs Gandalf)
Gandalf (hanging on to the ledge): I can’t fly, you fools. (falls into the abyss)
Fellowship: This sucks.
Aragorn: I’ll lead the fellowship now. Let’s go to Lothlorien.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(In Lothlorien)
Galadriel: You can rest here. Enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just call room assistance.
Fellowship: Awesome!
Galadriel: Frodo, you come with me.
Frodo: Okay.
Galadriel: Look into this bowl of water.
Frodo: Wow! Lovely fish.
Galadriel: Not that bowl, you idiot. This one.
(Frodo sees the future.)
Galadriel: Forewarned is forearmed. Now, go and destroy the Ring.
Frodo: Roger that, lady. But can I go to sleep now? (yawns)

(Fellowship journeys to Amon Hen.)
Aragorn: Let’s rest here.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Boromir (to Frodo): Let’s take a walk.
(Boromir and Frodo go some distance away from the rest of the fellowship)
Boromir: Give me the Ring. I’ll use it in my war against Sauron. I’ll defeat him. And then I’ll be famous. All the girls will swoon over me.
Frodo: No, I won’t give the Ring to you.
Boromir: F@#! You.
(Frodo slips on the Ring and disappears.)
Boromir: Dammit!

(Noises of howling and screeching)
Legolas: Orcs!
(Battle begins.)
Ugluk, leader of the Orcs: Find the hobbits.
(Battle continues)
Merry and Pippin: Shit! We’re surrounded.
Boromir: I’ll save you.
(Boromir fights the orcs but is killed. The orcs grab Merry and Pippin and run. Aragorn comes to the scene some moments later.)
Aragorn: Oh! Boromir is dead. Let’s push him over the falls and run after the orcs to save Merry and Pippin.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

(After several days and miles. The orcs are in Rohan.)
Orcs: Let’s rest here.
(They put Merry and Pippin on the ground.)
Rohirrim: How dare you orcs enter our land without passport? We’ll kill you.
(Battle begins. In the confusion, Merry and Pippin free themselves and run and hide in the nearby Fangorn forest. The Rohirrim kill all the orcs and burn their bodies. In the Fangorn Forest.)
Treebeard: Who are you?
Merry and Pippin: We’re the hobbits. Great things are afoot.
Treebeard: Oh yes… sometimes great things are a foot tall only. Hahahaha.
Merry and Pippin: Hahahahaha (bloody idiot) hahahahaha. Now we must attack Isengard. Saruman should be destroyed.
Treebeard: But why?
Pippin: Because he cut your trees.
Treebeard: Ho Hum! Let me gather my army of walking trees.

(Meanwhile Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have entered the land of Rohan. They meet up with the Rohirrim riding back from the battle.)
Aragorn: Yo fellas! What’s up?
Eomer: I’m Eomer, a marshal of Rohan. Have you entered Rohan without passports?
Aragorn: We’re the F.B.I. We don’t need passports.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: You’re the what?
Aragorn: The F.B.I. We’re what the Fellowship has Broken Into.
Eomer: Oh. I see. What business have you here?
Aragorn: We’re looking for some orcs. They have our friends.
Eomer: Oh, we killed them. (points to the smoke from the burning) See. We sent a smoke signal.
Aragorn: Did you find any hobbits? They’re our friends.
Eomer: Nope. Only orcs.
Aragorn: Dammit! We’ll go look for them at the battleground anyway.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Eomer: Suit yourselves.

(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli enter the Fangorn forest. They see someone moving in the forest.)
Legolas: Orcs!
Gimli: No, that’s Saruman. Let’s kill him.
Aragorn: No, let’s wait and see what he does.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Stranger: Wassup dudes?
Aragorn: Who are you?
Stranger: Y’all don’t know me? I’m Gandalf.
Gimli: No shit! I thought you were dead.
Gandalf: Haha, fooled ya. I’m back. Let’s go to Edoras and meet up with Théoden, the King of Rohan.

(In Edoras)
Gandalf: Théoden, war is upon you. You must fight back.
Théoden: Buzz off, you senile, old fool! We don’t need your help.
Gandalf: You’re out of your mind. Come, look outside. Don’t despair.
Théoden: You’re right. We shall fight Saruman. Forth Eorlingas!

(The Rohan army is diverted into Helm’s Deep. The orcs attack at night. There’s a big battle. You can see that in the movie. The good guys win and orcs are driven back.)
Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: So long, friends. I’m off to Gondor. You guys can tag along later. With an army. See ya.
Pippin: Can you give me a lift?
Gandalf: Hop on!
(Gandalf and Pippin gallop on to Gondor. I mean, the horse Shadowfax does. Gandalf and Pippin simply ride it.)

(Now we go back to Frodo and Sam)
Sam: We’re lost.
Frodo: I’m afraid, we are.
Gollum: Give us the precious!
Frodo: In your dreams, you slinky boy.
(Gollum fights with the hobbits but the hobbits tie him with a rope)
Gollum: Its burns us! It burns us! Take it off us!
Frodo: But only if you show us the way to Mordor.
Gollum: Will do!
Frodo: It’s a deal then.

(The three go to Mordor. On the way, they meet Faramir, Boromir’s brother, who captures them.)
Faramir: Who are you?
Frodo: We’re going to Mordor.
Faramir: What for?
Frodo: To destroy this (holds up the Ring)
Faramir: My God! Isildur’s bane. Go destroy it.

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum reach Mordor. They enter Cirith Ungol. The back-door to Mordor.)
Gollum: Follow us, hobbitses.
Frodo and Sam: Coming.
Gollum: In this cave you go.

(The cave is actually the home of Shelob, a giant spider. She tries to capture Frodo but manages only to poison him. Sam pokes Shelob in the eye and the spider retreats back into the cave)
Sam: Master! Master! Talk to me!
(Frodo remains unconscious)
Sam: Shit! What am I gonna do now?

Ultra Compact Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

(Gandalf reaches Gondor and meets Denethor, the steward of Gondor)
Gandalf: Old man!
Denethor: Old hag!
Pippin: Your son, Boromir, died trying to save me. I offer you my services.
Denethor: Accepted. Go to the Tower Guard to have your gate-pass made.
Gandalf: War is upon you.
Denethor: I know. Now go and sulk in your room.

(A few days later, Mordor’s army siege Gondor)
Gondorians: F@#!
Denethor: Flee!
Gandalf: Fight!
Pippin: Can you all stop using the f-words?

(In Rohan)
Eomer: I’ve managed to assemble the Rohan army, my King.
Théoden: Good boy. Now let’s go to war.

Aragorn: I’m taking the short-cut. The paths of the dead.
Théoden: Why?
Aragorn: I don’t have that much time. Besides I’ve got a ghost army to exorcise.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: I’m coming with you too.
Théoden: Okay, off you go. See you in the battle-field.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli: Take care, y’all. And kick their asses.

(The Rohan army rides to Gondor. They fight the Mordor army. Big, big battle. Watch the movie for details. Lovely action. Good guys win again. And Aragorn comes too in the end to finish the orcs off. Spectacular!)

Gondor: We’re free.

Gandalf: But now we must attack Mordor itself.
Eomer: You’re just being overconfident. You’re going senile.
Aragorn: No, Gandalf is right. We must give Frodo his chance.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.
Gimli: Okay. Let me finish this pint of ale first.

(At the Black Gate, the entry to Mordor.)
Good guys: Come out you black piece of shit! Come out and surrender.
Sauron: Talk to my mouth first.
Mouth of Sauron: Yo!
Good guys: Shut up!

(Sauron sends his orc army to fight the good guys. The good guys give a tough battle. But they’re losing the battle.)

(Meanwhile, Frodo regains consciousness and he and Sam go to the Cracks of Mt. Doom.)
Sam: Throw the ring, Master!
Frodo: But it's beautiful.
Gollum: My precious! Give us the precious!
Frodo: F@#! You! (Frodo shows Gollum the finger, who bites it off, ring and all)

Gollum (dancing): My Precious!
(While dancing, Gollum performs a moonwalk, oblivious to the fact that behind him there’s a river of Lava flowing and goes and drowns in it, ring and all)

(Outside, Mordor erupts in the biggest display of pyrotechnics ever. Humbling Gandalf even!)

Good guys: Woohoo! We won!
Gandalf: Sauron is dead.
Aragorn: And I’m the king of Gondor.
Legolas: Aragorn is right.

(And well, that’s the end of the story. After this, there’s a lot of happy, happy stuff like Aragorn’s and Arwen’s wedding and Aragorn’s crowning etc. For details watch the movies. Or better still read the book)

Let's get interactive...

Oh yes, I've decided to buck up the interactivity in this blog by a bit. So now if you comment on my blog, your comments will get commented upon by me. Also, you can send me e-mails if you like by following that dainty little link on the right hand side of the page. Or from my Blogger profile. This is not as much to increase the number of comments as it is to getting to know my readers and all.

So feel free and comment a lot. And in the process, get commented upon.

Anyhow, before I end this, a joke for you to grin about:

This guy and his group are going through some freshly developed photographs in a restaurant. One of the photos flips and falls under the seat of a lady. So, the guy goes over to the lady and asks, "Can you lift up your dress, please? I want to take a photo."

Haha, now interact!

A Copa America-n Coffee!

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time watching the Copa America football action on TV. And that too on Ten Sports. The only other channel showing football from down there is in Arabic. And I’ve had enough of hearing “SHOOOOOOT” and “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL” repeated over and over again in various permutations and combinations throughout the football match. Anyhow, the Ten Sports commentators aren’t any good either. But one can’t fail to be impressed by their much advanced English vocabulary as compared to their Arab counterparts. With addition of other words such as “pass”, “miss” and “score”, the commentary just gets a bit livelier.

But have you ever noticed how most of the people support Brazil? Back in my college, during the World Cup ’06, there were more people packed into the TV room during Brazil vs. Ethiopia (or was it Ghana?) than during the semi-final between Italy and Germany. Alas, the Brazil supporters missed my victory dance that night when Italy won the match.

Anyhow, coming back to Ten Sports, these commentators are obviously Brazil-fans. And according to them, Brazil plays the most beautiful and perfect football in the world. And the rest are there just so that Brazil can have someone to play against. Let me give you some proofs.

Chile gets the ball, breaks past the defence line, shoots and misses. The commentators say, “The Chile team lack good finishing. This way, they’ll be out of the tournament very soon.” Now, when Brazil does the same thing, they say, “And Brazil tests the keeper and the defence yet again. They’ve shown their attacking mindset early on in the game.”

Paraguay gets the ball but gives it away cheaply. Commentators say, “Paraguay can’t control the ball properly. How will they score if they can’t even keep the ball with them?” And for Brazil, “One of the greatest things about Brazil is that they let the other team play too.” I mean, seriously, what the hell!?

Colombia opens up in defence and concedes a goal. “Now that’s certainly game over for Colombia. They have a mountain to climb.” And when the Samba-land goes one down. “Now this game has really opened up. We shall see great, relentless, attacking football from the Brazilians as they’ll proceed to smash their opposition to smithereens. Game on!”

I say, Brazil won’t win the Copa America. I’d put the odds against Brazil winning as 2-1. Bets, anyone?

The Seven Wonders of the World

Last night the Seven Wonders of the World were unveiled in Lisbon, Portugal. After months of frantic clicking, texting, urging others, advertising, egging and did I mention clicking and texting, by several millions of people all over the world, the list was democratically decided. And guess what? India’s very own Taj Mahal is listed amongst them. Clap clap and all that sort of a thing. And do I feel proud? Oh, hell, yeah! I’m proud about the fact that there are so many people having internet connections in India. I’m proud that there are so many cell phone users in India. I’m overly proud of the fact that so many Indians know how to set up proxy IPs so that they can vote multiple times in a row. I’m also proud of the fact that so many Indians have nothing to do but vote all day long i.e. they have no life. Oh yeah, I’m full of national pride alright. Waah Taj Waah! I’m very sure a certain tea-packaging company in India will be very delighted with all this. Will it be too much to expect free tea packets from them?

But then, if every other NGO could decide upon the Seven Wonders of the World, why can’t I? I mean it’s a democracy, right? Everyone has the right to say and express. Now, I’m not one of those who express themselves by burning stuff in public and throwing stones at public property. But I like to express myself using words. After all, it is rightly said that a keyboard is mightier than a sword. Or was it a pen? Hmm… so, here goes my very own Seven Wonders of the World list:

1. Bollywood, the Indian movie production house: Bollywood is definitely the biggest Wonder of the World. It’s essentially composed of mindless maniacal monkeys who shamelessly filch from the Hollywood and still come out with stuff that stinks. And what’s more. It’s the second largest movie production house in the world. A place where beauties and booties matter more than acting skills (the only other place where this happens are porn films) and a science fiction movie essentially consists of the actors and actresses dancing around planets instead of trees, how can it not be a Wonder of the World. Or of many worlds for that matter.
   
   
2. Al Qaeda terrorist network: Oh yes, them. The second biggest pain-in-the-ass organisation after the United Nations Organisation, they certainly deserve to be a wonder of the world. After all, how can anything that can survive all the incessant bombings and invasion by the supreme military power of the world, the U.S. of A., and is led by someone who apparently has total kidney failure and still lives (or does he?), not be awarded with such a prestigious honour? Face of all terrorism in the world that too. Wonder-ful!
   
   
3. U.S.A: Which should actually be rechristened to the Universal Security Agency, it upholds the preservation of democracy and freedom all over the world as its sole right and reason to invade other countries. With such supreme intelligence provided by the F. to the B.I. and the C. to the I.A. and headed by a President who says things like “Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.” and “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” I cannot imagine how can they not be the most powerful nation in the whole wide world. Or “www” if you like.
   
   
4. Government: The most powerful congregation of liars. Ever. The perfect con-artists, they entrance their voters with false hopes and fantastical illusions in such a way that they actually get voted to determine the policy for the people. Which, ultimately, involves their own benefits rather than of those who voted for them. For such a menagerie of chair-loving-and-betrayer-of-trust people, being called a Wonder of the World is a very small honour to bestow upon. I would rather recommend a personal tour of the major prisons of the world where they can experience first-hand the pleasure of living off taxpayer’s hard-earned money. Which they do anyway.
   
   
5. Me: Oh, this is my narcissist and egocentric self speaking. I think I’m the best in the world. Apart from Ricky Kaka, that is. I so rock! I’m truly a wonder of the world.
   
   
6. You, the reader of my blog: I love you guys. Specially the beautiful girls. You all are wonders of the world. Please comment freely on the blog to make sure you’re not removed from the list. And earn my wrath in the process.
   
   
7. The Taj Mahal: This is just my national pride speaking. Not to mention, the fear of incurring the wrath of all my fellow Indian brothers who spent months clicking and texting. I wouldn’t want any effigies of myself burnt, would I? I really don’t want to cause global warming. Indirectly, that is.

PS: Saagar, I did not steal from your blog. I had written this quite a few days ago and was waiting for 07/07/07 to come around. Peace. In the world, that is…

Portable egg-boiler!

My Dad sent me this in an e-mail:

How Two Russian Journalists Cooked an Egg with their Mobile Phones

Vladimir Lagovski and Andrei Moiseynko from Komsomolskaya Pravda Newspaper in Moscow decided to learn first-hand how harmful cell phones are. There is no magic in cooking with your cell phone. The secret is in the radio waves that the cell phone radiates.

The journalists created a simple microwave structure and placed the egg between two cell phones. They called from one cell phone to the other and left both phones on talking mode. They placed a tape recorder next to phones to imitate sounds of speaking so the phones would stay on.

After, 15 minutes: The egg became slightly warm.

25 minutes: The egg became very warm.

40 minutes: The egg became very hot.

65 minutes: The egg was cooked.

Conclusion..1: Cooking eggs with mobile phones is possible but very expensive ($4.55 or 123 Rubles)

Conclusion..2: All this talk of danger is exaggerated; even if your brain gets cooked, it would take a couple hours of talking on a cell phone.It takes approximately 2 minutes of speaking on a cellular phone for the radiation to cross the protective Blood Brain Barrier. So whenever there is a land line available use it in preference to your cell.

Best Regards
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think Dad sent me this because of my above average cellphone usage. Or maybe because I like eggs and have nothing to boil them with in my hostel-room. So now that I'm confronted with this knowledge of my brain being cooked, you would ask me how I feel? Well, a bit hot-headed...

Cricket vs football.

Background knowledge you should be acquainted with: My dad is an avid cricket worshipper while I despise cricket and am an ardent football devotee.

“Any cricket matches on nowadays, Dad?”

“None.”

“You know, that’s the good thing about following football. There’s always something on to watch.”

“I really don’t understand why you get a kick out of watching lots of men in shorts running around in a field.”

Silence.

“You can forget about the T.V. tonight. I’m going to watch the Under 20 football World Cup.”

“Under 20? You mean they can’t score more than 20 goals a game?”

“Ha ha ha, Dad.”

The Man in an iron (mask?)

King Louis XIV: Jailor, I’m the King Louis XIV and I wish to see the prisoner.
Jailor: Welcome, my liege. According to your wishes I’ve kept the prisoner locked in the deepest, darkest dungeon of the Bastille.
King Louis XIV: Well done, jailor. I hope you’d received my letter saying that this prisoner’s identity was to be kept secret by putting his face in an iron mask.
Jailor (after a long pause): What!?
King Louis XIV: It was my wish that the prisoner’s face be encased in an iron mask.
Jailor: Ah! An iron mask, you say…
(The jailor opens the prison doors)
King Louis XIV (shrieking): Aaaah! What have you done?
Jailor (regaining his composure): Well, your majesty, when I received the letter its bottom had been torn off. So it read that the prisoner’s face should be encased in (brief pause) an iron.
King Louis XIV (with disbelief): So you put this man’s head in an iron?
Jailor: Well, your majesty, the request did seem a bit odd to me at that time so I did try a number of alternatives such as a pressure cooker, a toaster and then one of those sandwich-makers. But seriously, my lord, the iron gave him a much better appearance than the others.
King Louis XIV: But an iron mask is supposed to represent oppression and terror. But this man with an iron on his head just looks like one of those teletubbies.
Jailor: But, your majesty, the iron does serve the purpose. It is cumbersome so the prisoner suffers from discomfort, he can take out the creases on his clothes with ease and if someone comes in to rescue the prisoner, he’ll just think that he’s stumbled into the laundry room by mistake.
King Louis XIV (relieved): Very well, jailor. You have served France well. You shall be recommended for an award.
Jailor (bowing): Thank you, your majesty
King Louis XIV: Now we shall move on to the next prisoner.
Jailor (after a pause): Ah! That’s another torn letter, your majesty. And I don’t think you’re going to be quite so keen on this one.

Store Wars.

Guys and gals and all the extra-terrestrials out there, you gotta gotta see this:



Warning: For full enjoyment, you should have seen Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope previously

Warehouse Woes

Industrialist: “Hello there, Gary. Welcome to our new warehouse.”
Shareholder Gary: “Thank you, Mr. Hayward.” (looking at the warehouse with awe) “Wow! This one’s really huge.”
Industrialist: “Oh yes! It’s pretty big alright.”
Shareholder: “What size is it?”
Industrialist: “Have you ever been in a double-decker bus, Gary?”
Shareholder: “Just once. Why?”
Industrialist: “Because in this warehouse, you could fit 847 double-decker buses.”
Shareholder (thinks for a moment): “But can’t you tell me the dimensions in metres?”
Industrialist: “Oh no, Gary. Metre is passé. No one really uses it anymore.”
Shareholder: “But it is convenient!”
Industrialist: “Convenient? The metric system was invented by the French to confuse and take over the world, Gary.”
Shareholder: “Oh really?”
Industrialist: “Yes, Gary. Nowadays we use a measuring system which is easier to understand. The units used are ‘the double-decker buses’, ‘the size of a football field’, ‘the area the size of Wales’ and what we call, ‘to the moon and back’.”
Shareholder: “Oh, I see.”
Industrialist: “So, do you play football, Gary?”
Shareholder: “A bit, yes.”
Industrialist: “Well then, can you imagine 38 and a half football fields side by side?”
Shareholder (after a longish pause): “No, not really.”
Industrialist: “Okay, can you imagine a football field, a big one, the size of this warehouse?”
Shareholder (brightening up): “Yeah, that I can.”
Industrialist: “Well, that’s the kind of size we’re talking about for this warehouse.”
Shareholder: “I see. Now, can you show me the figures, Mr. Hayward?”
Industrialist: “Figures? What figures?”
Shareholder: “The annual turnover of your industry, the sales and other such figures.”
Industrialist: “Oh! Those! Well, I won’t be showing you figures…”
Shareholder (cutting in): “No, but surely as a shareholder of your industry…”
Industrialist (cutting in): “No no no…”
Shareholder (cutting in): “But it’s it in the rules that…”
Industrialist (cutting in): “No, Gary, you’re not listening to me. You’re just hearing the words I’m saying.”
Shareholder (flummoxed): “What?”
Industrialist: “See! That’s what I meant. I’m not going to show you the figures. I’m going to show you a figure.”
Shareholder (curious): “A figure?”
Industrialist: “Yes, a figure. I put in our annual turnover against our yearly expenditure and you know what figure cropped out, Gary?”
Shareholder: “No, what?”
Industrialist (showing a piece of paper): “This.”
Shareholder (surprised): “Seven!”
Industrialist (calmly): “Seven.”
Shareholder: “Exactly Seven!”
Industrialist: “Precise to the nearest significant digit.”
Shareholder: “But what does it mean?”
Industrialist: “I couldn’t tell you, Gary. But last year, it was six. So we must be doing something right.”

Of helmets

Helmets are one of the greatest inventions to be taken for granted. I mean, helmets are very important for humans’ safety. It helps in keeping our skull intact and not allowing our brains to splatter around when in an accident. And a helmet also has various other uses viz. a weapon, to hide identity, a bowl when upside down and as a rat/hamster storage and transport facility. And also, it’s used to show off, especially when the bike rider doesn’t have a face that would launch even two scraggy boats.

But here’s a thought: Why do we wear helmets while sky-diving? I mean, can we kind-of make it? If that parachute doesn’t open, will wearing a helmet be the difference between life and death? When that happens, the helmet’s now wearing you for protection.

If I were asked to give a proof that would doubt the human race’s intelligence, it would definitely be the helmet. Let me explain why. Why do you think the helmet was invented? Because we were involved in various activities that were cracking our heads. And we wanted a solution for this. Now, the obvious solution would have been to discontinue the head-cracking activities. But no, we invent a helmet to protect the brain. A brain which is so stupid that it’s not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it’s in. Now, what kind of logic is that?

Logic System

We have bought a new car. A Chevrolet Lumina ’07 model. Now, this car runs on a built-in software. Apart from petrol, that is. The software is called LS. Short for “Logic System”. And since I’m interested in software, I was interested in LS too. But the more I came to know about its functionality, the more I found that it could be improved upon. But my dad obviously thinks it’s flawless.

“I hate this software. It won’t let me open the door myself. You can’t open any doors unless the gear is on Parking.”
“Yes, it’s good. It’s for our safety.”
“Safety? How does this keep us safe?”
“A door will never be opened if the car is in motion. That’s safe.”
“Yes, but what about when the car overturns or something (touchwood) and we can’t get to the gear? Who opens the door then?”
“There must be some provision in the software.”
“And these windows… they roll down completely when I give the down button a simple push but I have to keep pressing the up button to get them to close completely. What if I want to keep my window half-open? I have to open it completely and then close them up to the level I want. That’s just stupid.”
“Why would you want to keep windows half-open anyway?”
“The software sucks, Dad.”
“No, it doesn’t. It’s LS. Logic System. Totally logical.”
“Yes, I agree its LS. Lacking Sensibility.”